My heart will sing no other name, Jesus

This has been an interesting year, and it's right at the half way point. A lot has happened. And I'm sure the rest of the year will have plenty more in store as well. I've had years all throughout my life that contained hard times, some really hard times, and the events I've experienced these past six months aren't necessarily as "hard" as times before, but they do have a different feeling about them. Since January there has been this consistent and permitted and surrendering of the chipping away of myself. Like God is in their with a pick, and He's chiseling away all that is not of Him. I've gone through the grind with God before, lots, but this feels....well, different. Because what He's chiseling off of me is different. It's lots of quiet parts that have been building up steadily over the years.

Like plaque buildup inside an artery....you don't even realize it's there, or how deadly it can be, until you're bent over gasping for air. These past six months have exposed some major plaque sticking around my heart. Plaque that has been slowly suffocating me. Plaque that I didn't even realize was there, until I was bent over, gasping for air. Suffocating over myself and all that I built up within me.

And it's been hard, chiseling it away. Because plaque builds up progressively, painlessly, and undercover. You'd think something so easy going on would be easy comin' off...but bad habits don't go down without some effort.

So, life moves steadily on...and then something will happen, God takes an x-ray, and low and behold...He reveals some plaque build up goin' on. 

He starts chiseling. 

Something else happens. God takes an x-ray. Oh, low and behold, more plaque, but over here this time. Time to start scrapin' that off.

Over and over and over again.

X-ray.plaque.chisel.

X-ray.plaque.chisel.

And every time He goes in and picks away at the plaque, He is removing something that is blocking more of Himself from me....

like....

self pity
complaining spirit
ungratefulness
selfishness
attention

The kind of stuff that sticks to ya. The kind of stuff that gets built up and built up, under the radar, a little bit at a time....and all things that hinder God in my life.

So, these past two weeks, again, have been filled with lots o' scraping and chiseling away. Two weeks ago, getting my lab results back and discovering my levels hadn't been affected by treatment, I found myself sprawled out on the operating table with God- again. It's getting to be a pretty familiar place by now. :~)

And looking back from today, it feels like God crammed years worth of Himself into those two weeks. 
Years of digging, wrestling, searching, praying, Him guiding, reconfirming, expanding understanding... and scraping and reconstructing.

When it comes to spiritual matters I don't like to piddle paddle with God. I like to get down to it, determined to figure out what it causing my restless spirit. Determined to understand Him more. So through every confused supposed dead end, He would lead and provide and refresh me with His living water, reviving me to continue on. It was a gloriously wonderful terrible time! :~) Those are the best times.

Gosh I love Him. Even being in a place that I don't want to be in, He finds a way to just brighten it all up with His goodness. To make me smile. And laugh at myself while simultaneously crying over myself. To bring peace in uncertainty.

Only the LORD I tell ya.

These past two weeks....six months....He has reduced me. Like in Judges 7 where God reduces Gideon's army so that the Israelites would know that the victory was by HIS power, not theirs. That's what all this feels like. Being reduced. Less of me. More of Him. Taking things out of the picture so that I can better see Him and His power magnified in my life. Bringing me to the end of myself, so that He may shine. So that He can be praised. Scraping away all that hinders so I may fully recognize His majesty and goodness. Stripping away all that plaque so He may reside in my heart alone, without all that other junk competing for my attention.

These past two weeks I felt Him reduce me big time. In just about every way. He reduced me, my doctors....and left me kinda bare. Exposed and weak. I like to say "at the end of myself" because that's what my mind visualizes when I get to that place where I can't do anymore. That place where there is nothing left for me to do but rest in the Lord and wait on Him. That place where it's like, "all you God".... getting so familiar with that place.

And, that's where I rested since June 17th. On the Lord. And driving to the doctor on July 1st was one of absolute peace. And serenity. He scraped out fear. He drove out restlessness. No more confusion. Just absolute surrender to Him, and His great authority, and plan. 100% peace in Him.

Walking to the lab with hope. Regardless of the outcome. Finally able to take my eyes off of my circumstances. Finally able to keep them fully on the Lord. Finally able to see clearly. Words and truths and understanding echoing in my heart. Reduced...to just Him...stripped of all else unessential...."in order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her..."

Blood work came back later that afternoon revealing my levels plummeted.
Plummeted.
Total.nose dive.
*tears*

WHAT?!!! No more radiation. No need for surgery.

What seemed like such an impossibility two weeks ago, what seemed like such a daunting outcome, what I never expected God to do-He did. That and WAY more! Way way way more.


Reduced to see His glory. That I may not boast or hoard His attention. That I may praise Him for his good works. Nothing is too big for God. Nothing is too daunting. Nothing is impossible. Nothing is out of His reach -even if He chooses not to reach it. 

How great is out mighty God! 

"The sick are healed. The dead are raised. The lost are saved. 

All condemned feel no shame. All the weak find their strength. 

Hungry souls receive grace. The fatherless find their rest....

all at the sound of Your Great Name!

Redeemer, My Healer, Lord Almighty
My savior, Defender, You are My King!"

Natalie Grant-Your Great Name

"You are more, than my words will ever say

You are Lord, all creation will proclaim

You are here, in your presence I'm made whole

You are God, of all else I'm letting go!!"

-Shane Bernard-Forever Reign

Yippee Jesus for your mighty works, for your persistent pursuit of me, for your scraping away of all that hinders more of you in my life! You are God. Of all else I'm letting go.

"I will praise you, 

O Lord, with all my heart;

before the "gods" I will sing your praise.

I will bow down toward your holy temple

and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness,

for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.

When I called, you answered me,

you make me bold and stouthearted.

May all the kings of the earth praise you , O LORD,

when they hear the words of your mouth.

may they sing of the ways of the LORD,

for the glory of the LORD is great.

Though the Lord is on high, 

he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar. 

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,

you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,

with your right hand you save me.

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O LORD endures forever."

-Psalm 138