An assortment of thoughts on God and life

---I stood in front of my chair at church on Sunday during worship. I slowly raised my hands into the air, giving praise to my King, and that is when I noticed it. I shifted my attention to my right hand, a smile broke across my face, because for the first time in years I held my hands in the air without shaking.

For years, my hands have shook. And my legs when I drive. And my body in general does this constant vibrating thing because my heart beats so heavily. But I have been able to dismiss the shaking at most times, keeping my hands, legs, and rest of me busy so I don't have to notice. It's not severely noticeable, but subtle and relentless. I actually thought it was normal for a while...thinking everybody shook. Apparently not everybody does :~) .

But on Sunday, as I stood there with nothing to distract me. No way to dismiss the shaking or do something to keep from noticing it, as I stood there with my hands in the air, I was still.

Still for the first time in I don't even know how long. I forgot what it felt like to be still. To not move unless I wanted to. It was different, I gotta admit. You get so accustomed to your body moving without your permission ya just get used to it after a while. I moved my hand and fingers around, waiting for the trembling to start, but it never did. I offered up silent thanks to God. And even though the trembling has since returned it was nice to feel still for even a little while. It was nice to be able to praise God in thanksgiving over my body instead of crying out in frustration because of it.

I need to do that more.

Off up praise instead of complaints. Even though I know that God takes my complaints and cares and burdens, and He wants me to unload my struggles and frustrations on Him, and I know He never tires from hearing them because He is full of grace...but still...I don't want to be so quick to focus on the difficulties and frustrations. I want to be quicker to offer praise in place of complaints. I want to be quicker to find the joy instead of the sorrow.

Maybe one day this will actually start happening more consistently. :~)

---In other body related news...I don't really have a flippin' clue what's going on inside me. After the radiation treatment I felt pretty good for the first week. I only slightly noticed that I didn't swallow as smoothly as before...but it was so minute it was no biggie. And then seven days later my throat started feeling swollen. Right where my thyroid is. It felt like something was big and swollen and taking up too much room in my throat because it got a lot more uncomfortable to swallow and just "be". It's hard to describe. It lasted about seven days and finally subsided. I thought about calling my endo but seriously, what could she do? Give me a steroid maybe to help with the inflammation, but I didn't want to bother having to go in so I just dealt.

Sometimes that's all there is to do...deal with something. Live with it. No in a defeated kinda way. But recognizing that some things are outta my control, so there's no point in dwelling, and worrying and fretting over it. Like having an auto immune disease. It's never going to go away, I will live with this forever, and there is nothing I can do about it. The doctors can try to treat what it attacks the best they can...but, at the end of the day, I just have to deal with it. Surrender what I can't control to the Lord. And remember.....

I was already sick.

I was already broken.

I was already imperfect.

Having a disease doesn't make me broken...it's just a reminder that I already was. And still am. I had a disease before I ever had Grave's. And it's killing me more than any auto immune disorder will. The curse of sin will make darn sure I'm going to die. And while I may be slowly dying, luckily for me...death has lost it's sting. Because God made darn sure death didn't have the last word. Jesus conquered death with death and because of His great love I am free of death's hold. Yes, I'll still die, but death will not hold me. Christ will. Forever. Unseparated. *smile*

---In non body related news...a little over a month ago we had our home visit with our case worker as we renewed our case study. After we exchanged pleasantries we all sat down and he told me something I wasn't expecting to hear. He mentioned that the birth mother, of the child we were hoping to adopt two months ago, ended up changing her mind and deciding to parent the baby after all. After picking another family. After that family visited with the baby. After their kids thought they were getting a new sibling. After all the initial arrangements had been made. After all that...she changed her mind. And I couldn't help but feel a huge sense of gratitude and thankfulness that God answered our request with "no".

At the time I was deeply sad. And deeply disappointed. Wanting so badly for the Lord to answer our longing with a "yes...he is yours." But instead hearing, "no, he's not."

Praying specifically isn't easy. Because you risk getting a "no".

I never want to forget this. Our prayer. God's answer. And being blessed with knowing why He answered the way he did. Seeing that His "no" was said in mercy...to spare us from pain and hurt that would be greater than the hurt and disappointment associated with His "no".

I can't even adequately describe my gratefulness. His faithfulness. Knowing that the Lord of the universe deeply cares for me, and is looking out for us, and working good on our behalf. I am so humbled. And know that when He answers "yes" it will be His best for us.

And God's good things are worth waiting for.

Still a family of four

On Thursday March 17th, at roughly 2:00pm I got a call from our case worker. I was reading the girls a story in their room to get ready for their quiet time when my cell rang. The number showed up as unavailable, and I thought it was probably a telemarketer, but I picked it up anyways.

Our case worker quickly told me that there was a situation he needed to discuss with me. I grabbed a pen and an envelop, the closest thing to paper I could find, and he began....

...a baby boy had been born last week and the birth parents were pursuing adoption. The baby was born with a couple of health complications but all were correctable with surgery. He was calling us prior to giving the birth parents our profile due to the child's health risks. He wanted us to talk it over through the weekend, thoughtfully consider the challenging year this would present, and let him know on Monday if we were interested in pursuing adopting this baby.

You can just never be prepared for this type of news. I have known since we started pursuing adoption that one day I would get a call like this. I knew it would come on a regular day, out of the blue. A day just like that Thursday. But even though I knew that the call would come unexpectedly, you're still never prepared for how surprised you are.  I knew I would be surprised....but, it's so different thinking and dreaming about that day coming...and then getting the call that makes it real.

It's funny because I had just gotten off the phone with Megan only two hours prior to this and she had asked me if there was any news concerning our adoption. I said what I always say, "nope. No news. Still waiting."

How quickly things can change.

After I hung up the phone, I let it sink in.

I just got a call, about possibly adopting a baby. A baby boy no less.

I felt a swirl of emotions flood over me instantaneously.

Disbelief.

Fear.

Uncertainty.

Shock.

Gratitude.

Doubt.

Excitement.

I knew I had to get in touch with Isaak.

But Isaak was TDY in Indiana at this time and his cell coverage was sketchy at best but I quickly called him praying the call would make it through. It did. I was rambling, stumbling over my words...trying to explain everything I'd been told. I was excited but also nervous as to what Isaak's reaction would be...because yes, there was a baby boy who could possibly be our son....but, but but but....he was born with health risks. Would he be as excited about trying to adopt him even with the complications????????

The first thing he said as I told him.........

"A BOY?! A BOY?!!!!! Somebody get me a pen!!!!"

His first reaction. Joy. Complete and utter joy. No doubts. No hesitation. Just joy.

That man of mine is somethin' special. He quickly wrote down all the information I gave him and set off to find the three surgeons who were working with him on this exercise. Did I mention he didn't hesitate? Not for one second. That's a good man right there.

After hanging up the phone with Isaak...panic started to set in.

I was alone. Isaak was gone. We had to discuss this over the phone, in separate states. No one to be with me. Talk with me. Keep me from freaking out. There was a baby boy out there who could possibly be our son, he had some health concerns.....my thoughts were racing....

"Could I handle this? How would I know what to do? I don't have any experience parenting a baby with complications. I'm not qualified....what if I can't? What if I mess up?"

....."what does he look like? Has he been named? Is he alone right now? Is anyone staying with him? How much does he weigh? What color are his eyes? Does he have any hair?"

My thoughts were racing back and forth between doubts and excitement, fear and joy, confident to insecure. I was a basket case!

And then this thought flooded over me....

"What will everyone think? What if they don't think we can handle this? What if they question our ability to parent under challenging circumstances? What if they're not supportive?"

I knew where the root of this thought was coming from...but I let myself ponder it for a few minutes... what if? what if our friends and family aren't supportive???? Then what?.....

the response..."do you really care more about your friends and family's opinion of you than you do Mine? If this is what I'm calling you to, what does it really matter what everyone else thinks? Do My opinion and direction for your life rank higher than the world's?"

*sigh* "I'm sorry Lord....help me to follow in Your ways and value your love and acceptance above all others."

And then it hit me. I could feel it. The battle. It's amazing how quickly the devil is ready to pounce. He sits patiently....lurking.....waiting for an opportunity to attack. Delivering an assault of doubts, lies, and fear. Before I even.had.a.chance to let this news sink in....he was already launching a campaign at every last one of my insecurities.

And in that moment I became acutely aware of what was happening. I don't care how crazy it sounds but I could feel the spiritual tension.  And I quickly went from panic mode, to desperate mode. I needed prayer. Like nothing I've ever felt before. The force was compelling me...driving me....the need was overwhelming.

So...I set out for prayer....

And every single response I received upon hearing the news....excitement. Pure excitement. And support.  (Satan is such a filthy little liar. )

But even if the response hadn't been supportive....it wouldn't of mattered....God was leading the way...and we needed to follow after Him.

After like twelve hours of hearing the news, twelve hours of praying, and twelve hours of crying :~) we were ready to call our case worker and proceed with our request to adopt the baby. We didn't need the whole weekend to discuss, we knew...we knew what God was asking us to do. It was all very clear.

Be willing. Just be the willing. We'll never know unless we try.

Would our profile be selected?

Maybe. Maybe not. But God was asking us to take a step in His direction regardless. So we did. We took one giant step towards God, and possibly a son.

Fifteen excruciatingly long days passed. Fifteen days filled with more prayers than I can count. Prayers filled with desperate pleas to be chosen...for this baby to be our son...for this baby to be our daughters brother. Prayers over the baby and the birth parents, for their peace and absolute assurance in selecting a family. Prayers filled with God's will in this situation..for His good work and promises to be fulfilled.

Fifteen days of waiting. Wondering if he was ours. Dreaming that he might be. Praying for him as if he were.

Fifteen days...that seemed like forever.

And then on the fifteenth day....we were told....

"I'm sorry. Another family was selected."

*sigh*

There is nothing that can prepare you to receive a call about possibly adopting a child...and there is nothing that can prepare you for the disappointment when it doesn't work out. 

I tried to be careful. I did. I tried to guard my heart and keep myself from getting my hopes up.

But one thing I found out through all of this.....that is an impossibility.

It's just not possible to not get your hopes up. It's impossible not to dream. And hope. And wish. And pray. And get excited about the possibilities. I tried to stay emotionally neutral...but failed miserably. Because, again, I learned, that when a child is involved...there is no neutral. You either need to be all in, or all out. I couldn't stay in the middle. I couldn't not think about it. I had made a decision that I wanted the opportunity to be his mommy, I was all in, and there is no way to escape disappointment when you're in that position.

Me and Isaak were going to dream and pray like that baby was our son until someone told us that he wasn't. Even if we were setting ourselves up for disappointment.

It was hard to hear that our prayer got a "no." It was hard when our desired will for the child didn't include us. When what was best for him involved someone else. That is why I knew my year of "specific" would be a doosey. Because I knew that some of those prayers would inevitably include disappointment. And who wants to be disappointed? But what I'm learning is that God wants us to pray those big prayers expecting that He can, even if he chooses not to. He wants us to be the willing. And beckons us to follow Him.

 

And so He is encouraging me to pray big, and not hold back...and lay it all at His feet. And follow Him regardless of the outcome. But something else the Lords showing me...He's not expecting me to be perfect. And plant a smile on my face and fake enthusiasm.

The longer I follow Christ the less concerned I get about appearing "put together".  I want to be authentic with God. And the world. Genuine and sincere. And if I can't come to Him and shed tears of hurt and disappointment, then I haven't come very far. (Something He's still definitely teaching me.) Walking by faith is hard. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has another child in store for us here, and that this was all part of His plan...but I also know I'm allowed to experience disappointment when my desired plan and God's plan aren't the same thing.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I am very disappointed that we were not chosen to adopt this baby. But I am also very confident that God is in control. I'm both. I'm disappointment and yet optimistic. Sad and still encouraged. And that's okay. And I know His plan is the best plan. 

Those fifteen days God taught me a lot and showed me a lot about myself and Him. And if that is the only reason He brought this situation into our path...then, while I may not be closer to adopting a child...God brought me closer to Him through it all. So at least I'm not in the same place I was before all of this. :~) And He's going to take me further still...I just need to keep my eyes on Him, and follow where He leads.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.  

Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,  for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. " Psalm 143:8-10

Baby on my mind

I sit and replay a conversation I had a few days ago about a friend's adoption progress. I was so happy to hear that they had been picked by a mother and after a long process are finally getting to become parents.

Pure joy I tell ya. 

And then that night, as I thought about it some more, imaging their joy and excitement, nervousness, thankfulness, a full range of emotions...I thought and wondered and questioned my own emotions...

about why I was able to be so happy for them, and why was I not getting anxious about our own process, did I even care about our own process?  Was I thinking about it enough? How come I wasn't getting fidgety about having to wait an unknown amount of time?

Being analytical  is so annoying sometimes. :~)

Lots of thoughts and questions were strumming through my mind. I allowed myself to thoughtfully think on each one.

And as I sat there the one word that kept coming back to me was PEACE.

I'm not anxious about not getting phone calls because I'm at peace that one will come. I don't dwell on when it's going to happen, because I'm at peace that eventually it will.

Never.in.my.life have I EVER experienced this kind of deeper than bone deep peace. It's hard to even describe. Words come up so short to describe something that I feel in the deepest part of me. This kind of peace. There are hardly words and the words I do have still don't do it justice.

It just permeates every fiber of me. It's the peace that I could never muster up on my own no matter how hard I tried. This peace comes straight from the Source. It's His peace. And in His peace there is no anxiety or worried thoughts.

But while there is no anxiousness or worried thoughts there is this anticipation brewing inside of me. An anticipation for what is yet to come. For a promise from the Lord.

An anticipation to once again take my hands and comb through a little babies hair after a bath in the sink (well, I can't be so sure about the hair part, my girls were especially gifted in that department. )



an anticipation to pier over the side of our bassinet and see a baby in baggy pants just waking up


an anticipation to wedge our baby in the corner of the couch and subject to lots of picture taking

an anticipation to snuggle with a sleeping baby on my chest

an anticipation to pull those baby mittens out of the closet and put on tiny hands 

an anticipation for just more of this

I am peacefully waiting. Knowing that at the God appointed time our next child will be born into this world for our family. I move forward waiting in peace, but great anticipation...I am ready.

In the "pool"

It's been just over three weeks since we turned in the last of our paperwork and profile to The Nebraska Children's Home for approve and to officially finalize our home study. We were told by our case worker to expect a call from him within the week letting us know it had been approved....

the week went by...no call.

another week went by...still no word.

We then receive an email saying the director had been out of town and unable to review our paperwork. Keep waiting.....

a third week went by...still no word that it had been finalized yet.

Isaak asks me this past weekend if I had heard from our c.w. and I told him just to call up there and check on the status of it...

He did, but forgot to tell me...

he remembered this morning over breakfast when he says,

"oh yeah, I talked to "D", our paperwork was approved and finalized. We are already in the "pool". He said to expect a paper this week formally telling us."

My heart smiled way down deep. We are in the "pool".

And then this afternoon our letter arrived. My heart smiled way down deep again just seeing it in my hands.

We could be in the "pool" for a long time, or a short time, who knows...but my family is there, waiting for the right set of eyes to see us.

Out Of My Hands

This morning I drove across town to the Nebraska Children's Home Society , walked in the front doors, and handed in our final paperwork, complete with five copies of our profile letter.

That's it.

From this point on it is now out of my hands.

There is nothing left to do but wait.

And, I'm okay with waiting. God's been teaching me how to wait on Him for a good long while now, and, I'm at a point where I can wait, in peace, no matter how long it may take.

We will wait for the Lord to bring the right mother, and the right child into our family.

I have no idea who God has chosen to trust us with her child. I have no idea if she is pregnant yet. I have no idea what she's been through...or will be going through...to lead her to adoption.

But what peace I have when I think about her knowing that God is watching her right now, seeing everything she's going through...and knowing at some point in time God is going to collide our worlds together. And I pray that when the time comes, and our lives are forever intertwined, it will be a beautiful display of God's love and grace.

Because we know God wants what's best for us. Even if what's best isn't exactly what's easiest.

So we wait. We wait in peace because we know she's out there somewhere. And God is moving all the pieces of our lives to bring us together. Sometimes that takes a while. So, again I say, we wait...

"Lord, I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't know what this next step looks like. I don't know what I'm going to need to handle whatever comes our way. Thank you that you don't wait until we're perfectly prepared to ask us to follow You. Thank you that you've called us, right now, where we're at, all our imperfections, to follow in the path you've laid out for us. What peace I have knowing you are overseeing our lives. And so I'm standing in faith That.You.Will.Equip me, Isaak, Sydaleigh, and Marvelly and continue to develop in us the qualities we will need...to love the mother, and to love the child, no matter her background, or the child's age, gender, or race. Hold my hand, and remind me of Your promises and goodness when my heart forgets. Help us Lord, so when that phone rings, and your promise is waiting on the other end...we will be ready to take the call."

sweet relief

Finally, finally finally.....after I don't even know how many weeks....I've lost track, I finally finished our profile letter, and actually got it stamped AND into the mail today!

That is huge!

I can procrastinate like no other....
generally, it takes me a good while to simply put a stamp on something once I finish it.
And then it takes me even longer to walk my lazy self all the way across the street to the mail box to send it off. So sad. :)

But today was a different story.

I somehow found the motivation to sit down at the computer yesterday and finish this letter that has been plaguing my thoughts for weeks on end. I thought writing this would be the easy part, but found that every time I sat down I just couldn't find the right words. I knew that there were right words somewhere, but I couldn't muster them out.

This letter is the first, and only deciding factor these pregnancy clients are given to make a choice. The ultimate choice. Who am I going to trust to raise my child? That choice leaves me humbled every time I think about it. Knowing that someday, someone will pick us. Someone will actually trust us to give us their child to raise as our own. My mind can't yet wrap itself around that concept.

So off goes our letter to our case worker-to review before it's sent to all their offices around Nebraska. Such sweet relief knowing that this part is done. We're in the home stretch...I think?!

Returned check

Three weeks ago we sent in our final request for background checks to the Broward County Sheriff's office in Florida.

Two days ago, we got our letter back in the mail along with the $10 check we included for the cost.

Written on the bottom of the letter was,

Pls send $ .30 to BSO for your mail requests.

Wait, is that 30 additional cents, or just $. 30 total?

So I call the office today and am told I only need to send them $ .30 for the processed background checks.

As in a quarter and a nickle, in an envelope.

They actually want me to send them that. Just a quarter and a nickle, tossed into an envelop and mailed to Florida.

This made me giggle.

I LOVE that it is ONLY $ .30, seriously! But how funny to literally be sending a quarter and a nickle in an envelope and the stamp to send it costs more than that. :)

In the mail.

Finally mailed in our last two background checks needed to finish our home study!
Ahhh, sweet relief!
Now I just need to write our profile.
I was really excited about getting to this part, but now I'm not so sure!
How do you adequately describe your family's personality, strengths, aspirations, our desire for adopting, why we would make suitable parents, and everything else....in two pages!?!
Two pages is all I get!
This is going to be tricky!

Random life things

Some things that are going on right now....

I took over the leadership of our bible study. We're starting a new series tomorrow, Francis Chan's The Forgotten God, which is going to be amazing. More to come on that...

The adoption process is moving steadily along. We are in the middle of our home study. We were assigned our case worker at the beginning of February, just three days after completing our ADOPT workshop. We were told it would take at least three weeks to be assigned and contacted by our case worker...and it only took 3 days. We have met with him individually as well as a couple, and we only have one more meeting with him as a couple before he starts the home visits. We've also submitted all of our background paperwork...which was a lot! Digging up addresses for the past 10 years was interesting; I should really keep those on file so we don't have to resort to Google Earth again to figure out where we used to live. :) We hope to wrap up our home study within the next two months depending how long it takes to process all that background info...

Isaak is still in school. Last quarter he stumbled upon a program that the Air Force offers to become a P.A. And, he's going to do it. We've thought about it a lot, talked about it a lot, and really believe this is the path God is leading Isaak. He is passionate about medicine, which he only discovered through becoming a dental assistant ( super God-thing!). So he's going to pursue becoming a Physician's assistant. Awesome program out of Texas, he'll get his Master's degree after one very intense year, be promoted to an officer, and then get to diagnose, treat, write prescriptions, and all that jazz. He will submit his application next January, and upon approval we'll be headed to San Antonio for a year. But this is still a ways off, so right now we're content to be in Nebraska, doing what we're doing.

I'm trying to get out of my winter funk. I devised a plan this weekend to get back on track. I'm gonna start getting up in the mornings again to go to the gym. My brain functions much better when it's jolted to life at 6am by the treadmill. During the winter I waited till the girls were awake to bring them with me, to have somewhere to go and play (playground in the gym). But with spring around the corner they're able to play outside again, and I get a lot more out of my workout when I'm not having to jump off the treadmill every 5 minutes to save Marvelly from something dangerous she's doing. I also made a new schedule for our days. Like I said, winter funk. It made me lazy, we just pretty much farted around all winter doing things here and there, without much rhyme or reason. Done with that. We are back to rhyme and reason. I made up a schedule for our days (because I work better with a schedule or list of some kind, it keeps me on track, which I need...or else I just go off on tangents...)

I've also been researching preschools for Sydaleigh like crazy. Registration will be starting soon and I need to decide where to take her in the Fall, but I can't decide because I'm too stinkin' picky. I don't want to spend an arm and a leg, I only want her gone 3 days a week, half days only, small class size, balanced curriculum, yada yada ya....I think I've narrowed it down to two, now I just need tour the schools and pick. I'm so not ready for this.

Well that's about it. I mean that's not ALL it, but ya know, just some of our random life things going on right now. :)

ADOPT workshops 1 & 2

COMPLETE!

This Thursday and Friday we had to attend a two full day adoption workshop. Isaak got off work, and Sydaleigh and Marvelly spent the last two days with Holly and the girls. It was from 8-4 on Thursday and 9-4 on Friday, which sounds like a lot...and it was. I kept thinking going into this...why are they making us go to these workshops, I hope this is worth it....and oh my gosh...it was definitely worth it! And I'm so glad they made us go! The wealth of information they provided us with was astounding.

We heard from a panel of adoptive parents, a panel of birth mothers, and a panel of adoptive parents with the birth mother. We were talked to by experts dealing with trans-racial adoptions, grief and depression, all the legal manners behind adoption, post adoption. We were briefed on everything under the sun concerning the case workers role, expectations, false expectations, and not to mention the countless resources they provided us with....it was so awesome.

I love.this.agency! It was truly a God-thing finding them because even though me and Isaak were certain we wanted to adopt, we didn't know what to do next. But I know that this is where we need to be and these are the people we need to get us through this.

Some things I was exposed to the past two days.....

...how emotionally raw birth mothers are. They are not some nameless faceless abstract woman. They are real. They have feelings. And this is very very hard for them. And I saw that today. I was given a glimpse of the hurt. The broken dreams. The less than ideal circumstances. The acceptance of those broken dreams. The joy in knowing they made the right decision. The gratefulness in receiving pictures, letters, and phone calls. How healing takes time. For some, a lifetime....

.....the ins-and-outs of what a trans-racial adoption looks like. The everyday things that families face, the children face, the struggles, the questions, the techniques in parenting a child with a different ethnicity than yours, the support available to you....(this was one of my favorite parts of the workshop!)

.....the whole legality behind adoption. The birth mother's rights, the biological father's rights, the adoptive parents rights, getting all those rights, what can hold up the process, what the courts require...it had my head spinning at times.

I don't know the requirements with all the different adoption agencies across the country and around the world. I do know our agencies. And our agency requires all prospective adoption parents to attend this two day workshop prior to starting their home study. I thought this was absurd at first. But these past two days I've found out the importance. You want to be as well equipped as you possibly can be when considering adoption. It's complicated. So you want to be well informed. You want to be well educated. You need to be able to ask questions. You need to be able to talk with experts who do this for a living. Experts who live and breathe this everyday. Experts who've been though this a hundred times and back and can talk you through it. You need to know what adoption is all about from every perspective...most importantly, the childs, so that you can be the best parent to them possible.

Now, our next step is being assigned a case worker and beginning our home study. And then that's all that lay between us and being placed on a waiting list. Let the process continue!

Adoption-ISM

(ISM standing for Information Sharing Meeting. )

There were not really any expectations leading up to Monday's meeting.
It was mandatory.
If we wanted to proceed with the adoption process we needed to attend.
I did as much background homework as I could so that I didn't get blindsided with the unexpected.
So we drove an hour down to Lincoln for what would be the first in a long line of hoops we had to jump through.

The room was full as we got there right at 7pm. I tried not to noticeably stare at the people already seated so I did a quick scan of the room as we made our way to the front.
There were between 15-20 other couples in attendance, ranging in age from what looked like early 20's to late 40's early 50's.
No one spoke above a whisper and only to the partner next to them.
This was clearly not a crowd that intended on being social.
So we took an empty seat and did like the rest of the group, sat quietly, looked over our paperwork we picked up on the way in...and waited to start.
The feeling as we waited was somber.
Deafeningly quiet.
The one thing I kept thinking is how different this is from having a child the conventional way, with privacy.
There is not much privacy here.
You are exposed.
raw.
vulnerable.
Whether you are battling infertility, or simply hope to give an unwanted child a home like me and Isaak, you're all there with the same intention.
We all desire a child.
And that alone makes you vulnerable, regardless of the circumstances that brought each of us there.

The meeting was exactly what is sounded like, an information sharing meeting.
Our first formal introduction to the Nebraska Childrens Home, their history, programs, run down of what the adoption process entails in Nebraska, that kind of thing.
We received a ton of information, some we knew already, some we were hearing for the first time.
But the process is very long.
The next step after Monday night is paperwork,
then an interview with a social worker,
then a two day 16 hour parenting workshop (geared towards couples with no kids, but me and Isaak still have to attend)
more paperwork
being assigned a permanent case worker
starting our home case study which entails 5 background checks,
more interviews,
more paperwork,
references,
more interviews...

and then once that is complete, which could take as long as 6+ months,
we are finally put in the waiting pool.
And then......only God knows how long we wait.

It seems like a lot to go through.
Well, no, it IS a lot to go through.
And if I'm being honest, I'm not looking forward to any of it.
However; we are looking forward to the day when all the paperwork, interviews, and background checks result in a baby being carried through our doors.
That's why we're doing this.
That's what makes all this worth while.
Knowing that somewhere out there, there is a soon to be mom, about to get pregnant, scared, alone, not sure what to do- she is going to make the hardest decision of her life, and trust us with her baby to love as our own.

That's my motivation.

I'm praying for you, whoever you are, wherever you may be. I love you for the sacrifice you are going to make, that you may not even know yet. I pray that you would not feel helpless or overwhelmed during this time in your life. I look forward to meeting you, and God willing, getting the chance to know you, hold your hand, speak love and encouragement into your life...not because you are going to trust me with your child, but because you too are a child of God, valuable and important, and worthy to be loved, just like your baby. Blessings and prayers being sent your way sweet momma....