My arch nemesis!

I got some new clothes in the mail yesterday. Happy clothes. Two new skirts that of course I got on sale which only added to their wonderfulness. They are long skirts, in a light breezy fabric, with narrow pleats on the top that descend into a wider pleat on the bottom. I got a safe gray and a super fun bright as all get out lime green which will be perfect for summer, and both will be perfect for Africa in the event I end up going there.

Ahhh....nothing better in my book than not only getting new clothes, but getting them in the mail. There is something so fun to me about eagerly anticipating a piece of mail, and then the joy of receiving it.

It's bliss I tell you.

Sheer and utter bliss.

While on my new skirts high I planned multiple outfits to be worn by each and then settled on an outfit for the gray skirt to wear to church this morning.

I opted for my long gray skirt to be paired with a fat black belt with a gold buckle, a black cotton tee with 3/4 sleeves tucked in, my suede 3" black stiletto boots, and some gold jewelry.

I was in happy outfit heaven on my way to church this morning.

It's amazing how a good outfit can put you in a great frame of mind. I mean, Isaak could of been grouchy, we coulda been running late, the girls coulda been whining and screamin', and Chief could of been pukin' all over my freshly steamed carpets.....and all would of been well....cause I was in my new outfit.

So, needless to say, I was riding high this morning. Happy all over. Nothing can rain on my parade.....

that is....until I got out of the car at church, and took three steps onto the sidewalk, and my little happy bubble came crashing down on me when I realized I had.....

STATIC CLING!!!

NOOOOOOOO!!!!! My dreaded arch nemesis! The one thing....the ONE thing that could ruin, completely and utterly ruin, what would otherwise be a perfectly perfect outfit.

I tried to shake it out. But that only made it worse, a lot worse. The more I walked, the more it clung. And long skirts are incredibly unforgiving with static cling. Because when they cling.....they cling. In every wrong place there is to be clung to. I coulda been wearing spandex that's how bad it was. It's like there was a vacuum in the middle of my legs and every step I took the vacuum would suck that fabric  past my boots, round my thighs and up to my crotch.

"AH! NO! Get away from me!" I shrieked in my head. But it was to no avail of course.

Oh it was bad. My skirt might as well have been shrink wrapped onto my body. And there was no hiding it. I'd go to talk to someone, and you'd see them subtly glance down at my legs, and then try to keep talking like we never stopped eye contact. 

And now, because I am incredibly self conscious of my thigh and crotch hugging skirt, I make a point to sit within arms reach of someone so that I don't have to get up outta my chair and walk across the aisle to pass the offering basket and draw unwanted attention where it doesn't need to be. 

This was a super spiritual Sunday for me.

Stupid static cling. She didn't just rain on my happy outfit parade, home girl freaking sent in an F-5 tornado and obliterated every hope I had for a nice morning down to nothin'! 

I hate you! I hate you static cling! This is not the last word in those skirts! I will wear them again, and they will not be shrink wrapped to my thighs next time. I'm gonna get me some "death to static cling" spray and keep it on hand in the event you try to show up and start invading my personal space again.

Geesh....talk about a mood killer.

Africa update

Last week Isaak's orders were resubmitted and approved for him to go to Africa solo for 15 months. Because his training is so long it's considered a regular PCS which is why we are all moving to DC together. However, as of this point, he is the only one going across the pond once training is complete.

We did submit our first medical appeal last week with some additional documentation and it's currently being reviewed. We're not sure how long it will take to receive a response but we are hopeful to hear something next week perhaps.

We are praying for God's favor. We are praying for fresh eyes to view it. We are praying and believing that what is impossible for man, is possible for God. Only He can sway their decision and grant us favor in their eyes. Only Him.

Please pray with us.

One weekend down, four more to go

This past weekend I said goodbye to my olive green accent wall. I was sad to see it go, but seen as how housing management didn't allow me to paint it that color to begin with, I don't think they'd be cool if I left it that color under the stipulation that it looks better that way. So, back to beige she went.

 (our helpers)

Flat, boring, beige.

We took Saturday to primer up the wall twice and then slapped on one coat of paint, which covered any inkling of color right up.

Isaak patched and puttied almost all the holes...and gauges....in the house and I started spot painting over them. We finished the kitchen and bathroom and I'll get around to the rest sometime this week.

I also went through seven tubs of kid clothes to either save, straight up throw away, or donate. And I am happy to announce that out of those seven tubs I am only keeping two.

Two. A miracle. Seen as how when I started sorting I needed to talk myself out of hyperventilating every time I picked up a piece of tiny baby clothing because I would be assaulted with memories of who wore it, how old they were, what day of the year it was worn on, and what exactly they were doing while wearing it.

(take those folded red pants on top...Sydaleigh wore those in December of 2006 when she was 11 months old to visit her Grandpa Gary for the first time. And Marvelly wore that red sweater in the fall of 2008 when she as 8 months old. )

 see, right there. there's those red pants. there's that red sweater.....

E.VER.Y piece was filled with memories...even the ones covered in patches of stained poo. (which were some of the funniest memories by the way.) And it was so hard to say goodbye to them. But, I managed to keep the hyperventilating at bay long enough to sort through and part with five tubs worth of clothes. Which, I will say again....is a flippin' miracle....especially for this would be hoarder. Because I keep a lot of crap. I've got hockey memorabilia that I've had since junior high tucked away in my closet. And by hockey memorabilia....I mean "scrapbooks" of newspaper articles that I cut out after every.single game the Red Wings played for four years. Mmm hmmm. Four years worth of newspaper articles.

That's a lot of scrapbooks. And a whole lotta newspaper clippings.

"Would be" hoarder may be too generous for what I am.

So, obviously I have some sort of issues when it comes to parting with sentimental things. But I did! Granted, the give away tubs are still here, and haven't actually gone anywhere yet, but I have said my goodbyes so when they do actually get donated I won't cling to them, and cry.....

So all in all it was a very successful first weekend. We made good progress. And only four more weekends to go before we're assaulted with the big city life.

Now I just have to figure out how to cover up the massive iron burn on the carpet in the master bedroom.....that's gonna be tricky.

Sunday at New City Church

We had the most incredible opportunity to visit with some of our favorite friends last weekend in Kansas City. We've known Matt and Jenn since our time in Florida when we all started a newly married small group together at church.

And how cool that after we were stationed out here in the lonely ole midwest, God would call them out here too, within a mere 2 1/2 hours of us. To military folk, 2 1/2 hours is nothin' to see loved ones. Shoot, anything less than a 12 hour drive and we get giddy.

Anyways, Matt and Jenn packed up, left everything familiar, friends, family, church, in Florida and followed God on a dream to start their own church out here.

Their launch Sunday for New City Church was three weeks ago now and we knew that with another move on our horizon this might be out last chance to see them and their church. So we headed out bright and early last Sunday morning and drove down in time to go to their 10am service.

The stories of God's provision during this time of new beginnings for them is mind blowing. God provided above and beyond for them and they are doing amazing things in that city and truly making a kingdom difference.

From all the volunteers, their building, renovations, equipment, city support...it's all just such an amazing testament to God's incredible faithfulness.

I love how their lives are bent on not just following Christ but striving to live like Him. They are beautiful examples to us. And it's such a beautiful partnership between them and the Lord....they have put in some serious hard work to get this church off the ground, so much sacrifice, incredible dedication, and obedience and it was blazingly evident. And God showed up big time. His presence was so tangible.


I count it as a privilege to call these people friends. So thankful that God steered our lives together 7 or so years ago and was so proud to stand in support of them last week, and praise with them what God is doing in His church and in their lives. Just love them.

(me and Jenn-Jan.15th 2012)

D.C. here we come!

Isaak finally found out yesterday that we need to be in D.C. by March 1st! Yippee! So that means we are heading on out of Omaha around the third week of February. Which gives me 30 days to get our crap in order and get on outta here.

30 days?

Yikes.

That's uh, not a lot of time. However, I have noticed that I do seem to work better when I wait until the last minute, and this for all intensive purposes is kinda the last minute when I think about everything that has to get done before we leave.

I had to cancel my hair cut apt. tonight because I have so much other stuff to do.

Which, just occurred to me, means I have only one more apt. with Liz before I have to find a new hair gal!

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Oh, sad.

Mega cleaning to be done, favorite friends to see and visit with, housing arrangements to be made, purging to be done....I don't know what else...I'm sure there's more, a lot more, but my brain is at a stand still right now and I can't think of the rest.

We haven't done this for a while.

I think it's time I busted out my super organized self and started making out some lists, or something. That would probably be a good start. I'm good at making lists. I can make a mean list.

.........okay........well, here we go!!

Little Chieftains

Today Sydaleigh participated in a cheer clinic at the high school and performed during the girl's basketball game half time.  She practiced for almost five hours before the game and learned one dance and two cheers. The high school cheerleaders were the coaches but Sydaleigh's kindergarten teacher was there to supervise, who she just adores. She has never done anything like this before, as I've never enrolled her into any dance classes. But she did so good and she absolutely LOVED it!

I was so proud of her. We all were. Marvelly was screaming and waving to her from the sidelines. She is so brave and always eager to try new things. It was no problem for her at all that she was performing in front on an entire gymnasium. She was just having so much fun with the older girls, cheering on the bleachers during the first two quarters, and talking with one of her favorite friends Lily, who was also there. I think after today I see cheering in her future. :~)

(And, I had to fight back tears, again! As I watched her practice for a few minutes after we dropped her off, and seeing her jump right in, having fun doing the Funky Chicken with Lily, I just felt an inexplicable urge to cry! What.the.heck! She's doing that thing that kids do....growing up and getting all independent. If I get all weepy when she's gone for five hours doing a cheer clinic.....there ain't much hope for me when she does something really big...like go to college....or go on her first date! *gulp*  Good thing we're taking baby steps, my heart needs to proceed slowly. I hear it gets easier with the second born....we.shall.see.about.that.)

Way to go my Little Chieftain! You totally rocked that Justin Bieber song!

Sydaleigh turns SIX

Whoa.

She's six.

The day came. (Fourteen days ago technically).

I couldn't stop it from coming. No matter how much I ask her...er, tell her....to stop growing and not get one more day older....she still does. Time continues to march forward despite my protests. Which, is how it's suppose to be. As much as I would love for her to stay little and fit perfectly wrapped around my chest when I pick her up in the morning...I want her to grow even more. And I have noticed that she doesn't even really fit around me like she used to. Somewhere in the past six years she grew, a lot, and when I look at her she's getting alarmingly close to my eyesight. (not that that is too hard). But sometimes, still, despite the never ending growth spurts...when I look at her I see the same face I saw at two. The roundness of her cheeks and chin. Her eyes. Her hair. Her tendency towards dramatic behavior. :~) That little girl is still in there at times. I see her. Not as often anymore. But she's still there.

We had two celebrations for Sydaleigh this year. The first we celebrated with just the family on her birthday, New Years Eve. And then last weekend we had a little party at the house with some of her school friends.

The morning of her birthday she told me she wanted to have her breakfast in bed, so I brought her up a tray with her favorite cereal, Life. She got to pick where we ate her birthday dinner that night, and of course, she picked Red Robin her favorite restaurant and then her favorite ice cream spot, Yoji, for dessert.

For her family birthday cake I found these great food coloring markers online and let her design her own cake. There is nothin' that girl likes more than to draw...so I made her a cake and let her go to town on it.

Unfortunately I originally frosted it with buttercream and put it in the fridge to slightly harden, thinking that would be totally fine...but the pens markers were not having that, and didn't write very well. The frosting kept getting all over the tips. So, I tried my hand at fondant. Except, by the time I had made the fondant with some help from the girls Sydaleigh had already written "princess" on the buttercream and she didn't want me to cover it up...so I placed the fondant around it. Which is why it looks slightly weird. :~)

I'm not so sure about the whole fondant thing yet. I need to work with it again before I become a follower. :~)

Hard at work creating her masterpiece. The final product had a ladies face, a birthday cake, a flower, a heart, a chair, a three striped rainbow and some other little doodles. I love this girls creativity.

We get the girls a new plant each year for them to water and take care of. It's suppose to grow and flourish throughout the year just like they are. (totally Isaak's idea....except we've never actually been able to keep one of their plants alive until their following birthday....but hey, we try, it's the idea of it all that counts. ) :~)

next was her friend party and we did a Rapunzel theme....again. Sydaleigh loves Rapunzel.  Not that I blame her...she's like one of the best Disney princesses, e-ver.

I baked princess and castle cut out cookies that the girls decorated.

we made foam Pascal party blowers and played "pin the frying pan on Flynn Rider". The verdict was out on whether my poster sized drawing actually resembled Flynn or not. Sydaleigh thought so though and that's all I cared about. :~)

blowing out her 6 year old candles on her Rapunzel tower cake.

I know it doesn't really look like a tower, but it's the best I could come up with. I stacked some doughnuts on top of each other, placed a cone on top and then draped some green frosting off of it to look like ivy. Again, the verdict was out on whether it actually resembled a tower....but Sydaleigh LOVED it...and that's all I cared about! She totally digs my attempts at making her birthday cakes.

and then I sent the girls home with personalized "Rapunzel Paints".

and she is officially six.

some random facts from this past year......

-still says "veecation" for vacation
-makes this funny little clicking sound at times when she sleeps
-rarely sleeps with her head on her pillow
-calls the tiny icicles on the Christmas tree "tiny carrots"
-calls her panties "icky wickies"
-likes to make up new words in general
-describes messy coloring as "scribble scrabbling"
-coloring outside the lines is "spilling"
-makes up big numbers to describe things....like "one hundred eighty tall" or it's "one million twenty big"
-very adventurous, likes fast rides, and loves to try new things
-learned how to cough out her phlegm this year...and a few weeks back when she had a cold she was in the bathroom spitting some phlegm into the sink....when I went into the bathroom a few minutes later the sink was clean and I asked her if she actually got up any spit, she thought for a moment, looking for the right words, and then told me that she "watered it" aka, turned the faucet on and washed it down the drain.
-blurted out within hearing range in the entrance way to Walmart that she saw "a giant", aka, an overweight individual riding a motorized scooter. (we ran away after that)
-last Christmas while in line at the Durahm Museum to see Jim Carry's The Christmas Carol tour, she blurted out within extremely close hearing range (as in standing right next to us) to look at "the REALLY big girl", aka, the overweight teenager with Down Syndrome....standing right next to us in line. We could not run away. I was mortified. "Oh Lord she did not just say that?!" So I very bravely looked the other way, stared at the wall, acted like I didn't hear her and pretended like she belonged to the family in front of me.
-strips down to her undies almost every day when she gets home from school
-loves to have her back, arm, neck, shoulder rubbed with nails
-says that we have "peach" colored skin, instead of white. Because according to her Crayola crayons our skin more closely matches peach, than white. And I can not argue with that reasoning.  I thought that was a very astute observation....so in this family, we are peach. :~)
-will still not eat potatoes
-favorite food is still macaroni (with shells)
-started Kindergarten this past year and loves school!
-extremely passionate about drawing and is an amazing little artist (we frequently find her pouring over her latest work)

-when she prays she starts by saying, "Hallelujah Jesus, thank you for this day, I lift up...."
-says that "God has the best magic"
-getting more and more aware of everything around her and wanting to know about everything around her
-very much likes to be the boss and enforce her first born status with Marvelly
-has a ton of facial expressions
-learning that even her facial expressions can affect people around her. She is told on a daily basis to make "nice faces" as I will catch her (or hear from Marvelly) how she's making mean/mad faces even though she's not actually saying anything mean.
-is a people pleaser
-she is wanting more control over areas of her life that we used to manage without her input...So this year I got a lot better at allowing Sydaleigh to do certain things for herself. She gets her own breakfast in the morning, decides how she wants her hair, what to wear, I let her make a pattern of our bedtime routine....I don't know. And just other little areas that need less of my control. 
-got into a very drawn out argument with me a few weeks back about her wardrobe choices. She thought her outfit matched, I politely disagreed. She took great offense to the fact that I didn't think her outfit matched. And she would not wear said outfit, until I relinquished my opinion about me thinking it didn't match. Nor would she wear anything else. It was an interesting discussion.
-very strong willed child
-argues a lot and is always trying to make a deal...we still say she would make a great lawyer. :~)
-creative out the wazoo (she likes to sound words out in her head and currently writes how words sound)

-learned to wrap presents really well this year
-her favorite toy is still "Dandy"
-she is sensitive to the needs and moods of others and is always asking how we are doing.
-does not like to wear anything in her hair except a head band. She likes it down. No pony tails. No braids. No clips. Just a head band.
-had her first cavity this year and had a silver cap placed over it. She was giving laughing gas which made her oh so easy in that chair! When we got home and she looked in her mouth and her new tooth she said, "Look Mom! A golden tooth!" She loved it. So her. She sat in front of the mirror for quite a while admiring her new treasure.
-is always telling us not to say "hate" because it's a "very strong word" and correcting us if she hears us say stupid because that's not nice to say.
-says she's going to fossle her teeth (for floss)
-she is funny and cooky yet serious, very sensitive, loves her friends and family but tells us she loves Jesus more, is learning so much and changing very subtly but noticeably for these mommy eyes. And we are so so incredibly blessed to have this treasure in our family. She's pretty darn great.

Praying God uses her in big ways this next year of her life. Bring on a great 6th year!

Moving forward....risks and all.

Finding out last Wednesday that my medical clearance was denied came as a huge shock. And having to not only deal with the disappointment of that news, but then being told that Isaak had to have our decision about whether or not we wanted to continue pursuing the Africa job by the very next day. Well shoot. Less than 24 hours later we had to make another major life decision....

move forward with the job and try to appeal the medical ruling knowing it could again be denied and Isaak would be going to Africa solo....

or....

throw in the towel. Reject the offer. Face whatever career consequences there may be. And move on.

That was some of the most intense 24 hours I've faced in a loooong time.

The pressure. The spiritual turmoil. The discouragement. The everything.

But then, Thursday came, and as I sat at my little kitchen table, praying and pouring over scripture, it all became very clear. No more uncertainty. Not a shred remained. I had my answer. I knew the direction I wanted to go.

The Lord had whispered crystal clear....

"So they pulled their boats up on the shore, left everything, and followed Him."-Luke 5:11

"After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth. 'Follow me,' Jesus said to him, and Levi got up, left everything and followed Him."-Luke 5:27-28

Everything. 

They.left.everything.

They surrendered it all. They sacrificed their careers, relationships, reputations, homes, everything familiar and comfortable.....

To follow Jesus. 

That is what Jesus requires. It's what He asked for then. It's what He asks for now. 

And by the grace of God that is what we are going to give Him. 

The costs are great. 

But we are willing to sacrifice everything we have, to follow Him. 

We are going to move forward with the Africa job....move forward with the dream that He placed in our hearts....risks and all. We are willing to surrender everything....including family unity, to follow Him. 

We are laying it all on the line. And praying fervently that in these next seven months God would show up in a mighty way and reverse that medical desicion and grant me clearance to join Isaak in Africa. We are praying for favor. Praying for that same kind of crazy favor that the Egyptians showed the Israelites as they were heading on out. 

Regret would of followed me till the day I died if I gave up now and asked Isaak to pass on this opportunity. 


We will NEVER know what God has in store for us...if we don't take a gigantic leap of faith.


There is no way for me to know if God woulda worked on my behalf and busted out a miracle and reversed the ruling....if we gave up. 

If we decided to play it safe.

Following Jesus isn't about playing it safe. It's about taking chances. It's about looking crazy to the world and not caring. 


Those disciples probably looked pretty freakin' crazy to their friends and families. Leaving everything behind, right then and there....to follow this Jesus guy?! Say what?! Have you gone mad?! What about your job? What about your family? What about it all? You have so much to lose?!

I can't imagine how they must have looked. I can't imagine what people must of said. But they didn't even hesitate. They just surrendered their lives. For Him. And what's even more crazy is that they had no idea who Jesus really even was. Not then. Not when they left if all. Not on the banks of the river. Not at his tax booth. They had just met Jesus. He was still new on the scene. They didn't know yet He was God, but something inside them told them to go anyways. And that was a big risk. I mean, Jesus coulda turned out to be a freak. He coulda turned out to be some false prophet. Or a thief. Or some totally mentally disturbed guy. I wonder if that crossed their minds? I wonder if they considered that? I wonder....

but whatever they were thinking at the time, they quickly decided that the risks in following Him....were worth it. It was worth the risk. 

And we have come to that same conclusion. We will move forward. We will lay our lives at His feet, as crazy as it may seem, because He's worth it. Because we DO know who He is. And anyone who willingly endures mockings and torture and deep betrayal over the splendor of the world, who chooses a cross over a crown, who chooses a nail over a throne, who willingly lays down His life for me....is worth the risks, and more.

We will not give up now. We will not close the door. We will move forward and surrender it all to Him...and wait and see. 

There's no faith in playing it safe. Sometimes following God is risky business. It's lonely. It requires you to make hard choices. He asks us to lay it all on the line regardless of what the world thinks. He wants us to lay down our batons and drummer hats and step out of the world's parade and take the road less traveled. Which can many times be the scarier road. The dark shadowy road through the back alleys where no one wants to step foot. 

Like in Nemo....had Marlin just swam through the trench...the dark and seemingly dangerous trench....he would of made it to a glorious stretch of ocean. But he took the road more traveled, the easier route, he played it safe...and well, got stung by some monstrous jelly fish. :~) 

"Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."-Luke 17:33

"Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with men is possible with God.'"-Luke 18:27 

So....here's to not playing it safe. Here's to surrendering all we have. We are putting our hope in Him and placing our future in His capable hands....and standing in the promise that what is impossible for men, well, is down right easy for God.

To Africa and back again...round and round we go.

Obstacles? Or God?

I don't know. I don't know if there's even a way to know right now.

The obstacles are mounting. The frustration is growing. And Africa seems farther away than ever.

I haven't written about Africa on here yet. There's so much to say. I haven't had the words to articulate it. But I need to.....

....back in September Isaak applied for a position working at the US embassy in Burkina Faso.

When we first discussed the possibility of going there....I had never even heard of that little African country. I quickly learned it's in northern African, on the horn, in the sub-Sahara. It is one of the poorest countries in the world. It is considered the most illiterate country in the world. 60% of the population practice Islam and only 20% are Christian. And it's a French speaking country.

I was initially opposed to the idea. Well, my head and will were opposed. My heart was not. I knew immediately upon hearing Isaak present the idea of going that God was offering me, us, a great opportunity. The kind of opportunity I always wanted but never had the courage to dream. The kind of opportunity I was resigned to living in short spurts, on solo mission trips, or during "retirement" after the kids were all grown. Never did I dream of an opportunity to serve the Lord in this capacity as a whole family, together. Here in the states yes...but never to this extreme. Never relocating to a third world country, leaving behind everything familiar...country, school, friends, churches, culture....language....and starting over to this extent.

My heart was in. But my head was not. It would take some serious praying to get my head and heart aligned.

But they did. God brought me there. He met every fear, insecurity, question, excuse, and selfish motivation...and brought me to a place of peace.

That in itself is a miracle in my opinion. Looking back and knowing how at odds I was within myself...my heart pulling me one way, and my head pulling me another. And seeing God bring peace in the midst of chaos....truly amazing.

From the beginning of all this I kept saying, "I just want my life to bring you glory Lord. I want to honor you and bring you praise. I want to live a life that seeks to exalt You above all others, and all other things." No matter what.

We didn't know if Isaak would be accepted for this job. But we applied in hopes that He would and at peace that God's will would be accomplished no matter the results. We prayed fervently for the Lord's hand to be in this and that whether "yes you go" or "no you stay"....God would be the author of the outcome.

Weeks passed and we heard nothing. And, according to the package rules if you will, after a certain amount of time, if you don't hear anything, then you did not get the position.

That time came and went with no word....so we assumed, on reasonable authority that Isaak did not get selected.

And we were at peace with that decision. We were disappointed yes....but at peace that God had closed the door and had something else in mind.

We moved on. Well, as much as you can move on in two months. We really just reset our hearts back to staying in Nebraska indefinitely and for military folk that can be quite hard. But we felt good about it. We were at peace.

And then November 21st came. One day into our Thanksgiving vacation, on Hilton Head Island, we're sitting in the living room chatting with Isaak's Uncle Cesar who drove down for the afternoon....and Isaak gets a call....

...he got the job. We're moving to Africa after all.

Surprise. News travels late. Real late in this case.

I felt like someone had literally knocked the wind out of me. I should of been happy. But, again, I had wrapped my head around staying in Nebraska and now I wasn't, and I again, couldn't separate my head from my heart. My head was content now. I was comfortable again. We had just been offered a bigger house on base (after two years of waiting) , 4 bedrooms, basement, room to grow, we had everything set up to to move down the street when we got back from South Carolina. Teaching Women's Bible Study at church. Syd loves school. There's that whole possibility of maybe adopting at some point if anybody ever decides to pick us. New Portrait Projects. Life here is good. It's familiar. We like it. Happy to stay.

But now we're told we're not.

And wrapping my head around leaving the familiar behind again a second time didn't come as easily. Saying yes to something new and foreign felt much harder.

But God was quick to remind my head of why my heart said yes to begin with. He started to re-replace those same fears, insecurities, questions, excuses and selfish motivations with dreams, and encouragements, and peace and new life and light and truth. He surrounded us with friends and family to lean on and to draw strength from. When my will was wanting to run...He supplied peace and reassurance.

He was in control and we could rest in Him.

These past six weeks have been filled with an onslaught of paperwork, appointments, phone calls, clearances. So much to do in such a short time. So many t's to cross and i's to dot it was overwhelming at times. So many times it felt like I was drowning in a never ending pile of....everything. But we pushed through. The biggest thing was getting me cleared medically. But, we were reassured time, and time, and time again...that it wouldn't be a problem.

So we diligently completed everything "they" needed, submitted it all, and let it go. No turning back now. We've come too far to turn back and we've come to far for them to turn us back! It's happening. We started studying French. We started dreaming and making plans. Arrangements started to get underway.

This is it.

We're going to Africa. No doubt about it.

Just waiting on one last thing.

My medical clearance. Everything else is good to go. Just waiting these past two weeks on the big dogs to sign off on one little tiny piece of paper. But it won't be a problem. We've been told my thyroid won't.be.a.problem. Nothin' to worry about.

Until it became something to worry about.

Until today...when it became a real.big.freakin'.problem.

And I got denied.

And I am no longer able to go to Africa with Isaak.

*insert tears*

There comes that feeling like someone knocked the wind out of me.

Stunned.
Hurt.
Discouraged.
Angry.

The sense of loss...I can't describe.

I can't describe how much I wanted this. How much we all wanted this. The disappointment is, great. Me, Isaak, the girls....all wanting so badly to go. I sat with Sydaleigh and Marvelly at the little kitchen table, all huddled on my lap, crying. The girls, tears streaming down their faces. Marvelly saying in a broken voice, "I want to go to Burkina Faso." Sydaleigh sobbing. We sat there for a long time, the three of us in one chair, crying, and pouring our prayers out to God to not take this away from us. Praying for God's direction to be clear. Praying, again, for peace for our hearts amidst the chaos of our emotions.

I don't understand.

This was right.

This.was.right. This path was blessed. This path was good. I don't understand what's going on.

Is this simply an obstacle? some spiritual warefare? Satan not wanting us to go so he's throwing out all the stops to keep us here?

Or is this God? Is God closing the door?

I don't know. I just don't know. And I hate not knowing. I hate it.

I'm so confused. I just want to know what's going on. I hate being in the dark.

I hate having to actually trust. (Gosh that sounds bad.)
But it's true.
I hate having to actually trust God. Like for real trust Him. Being in a place where everything is dark and you can't see what's going on with your own life. Not knowing the outcome. I don't like that place.

I say I do....when I'm in the good places. Or things are going well and life is happy and comfortable. When there is no risk! But I don't. Not really. Because to be brought to that place where trusting God is the only thing available to me, means I'm out of control. It means that life has taken one of those pesky unforeseeable turns that leaves you looking like Bambi caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi. And I don't like feeling like I'm about to be run over.

And this path has just taken one of those pesky unforeseeable turns. A blind turn. We can not see what's coming. Not even a glimpse. There is not even a dim headlight shining in the darkness to light a smidgen of road. It's all dark.

What do you do when it's all dark? What do you do when you feel like you're walking blind?

This path has not just taken an unforeseeable turn...it has just gotten incredibly risky. There is so much risk involved now...

because now....now, we could deny the orders. Isaak could turn down the job. There would be considerable consequences, but he could decline it.

Or.....

we could submit an appeal to the top dogs in hopes that they would reverse their decision in support of additional documentation provided by my endo.

But in order to submit an appeal in an attempt to still go, Isaak would have to move forward with this job.

No turning back. Again.

And if he moves forward, and we submit an appeal, and it gets denied....it's too late. Isaak goes to Africa alone. We stay behind.

Or, they could say yes, change their mind, and let me accompany him after all.

But we don't know.

There's considerable risk.

There is no clear cut answer.

And I thought last year was a doosy....it's only four days into 2012 and already a monster situation.

It feels too big for me. It is too big for me. Only God can work this out. I may not like it when God brings me to a place of total dependence on Him, because I'm stubborn and willful...and stubborn, and I've got more attitude than I know what to do with at times, and my will wants to run and hide....but by golly....the Lord has brought me to this place more times than I care to count....and despite every single painfully obvious flaw and imperfection...I will let go. Not always on time. Not always on my own accord. I usually need some encouragement...(or some prying my fingers off of the steering wheel of my life).....but I will let go. And I will completely trust Him.

Because I know that He is trustworthy.

Despite all the things we don't know right now.....we DO know that the Lord is trustworthy. He can be trusted. His ways are good. He has our best intentions in mind. Everything He does, He does out of love. He is in control. And if I have to walk blind right now....then I give Him my hands to lead me. There is nothing else for me to do....except surrender....stretch out my hands....and be led.

And wait to see.