Brilliant I tell you!

Jack Bauer. 

Sydney Bristow.

The two greatest undercover crime stopping agents in television history.

If these two super heros joined forces to fight crime together they would be unstoppable!  Unstoppable!

Somebody needs to hurry up and make that show....because it would be brilliant! An hour of jammed packed action, impossible escapes, eye buldging side kicks and karate chops, wigs, exotic locations, government conspiracies.....

I'm kind of an Alias and 24 junkie. I secretly would love to be an undercover spy traveling the world to bring down the bad guys. But, I'm not, so I live vicariously through my tv friends. :~)
Now if there were just some tv producing big whig who was an Alias and 24 wannabe too...this might actually happen....

a girl can dream.... :~) 

The "What if " Game-my thyroid ultrasound

I had my thyroid ultrasound done on the 9th.

It was an awkward procedure, having a device pressed into your throat. (But definitely not the most uncomfortable ultrasound I've had.)

I went home, not really thinking too much about it. Because surely if they had found anything I would get a call.

The following week the clinic called and said they scheduled my apt. for my Endocrinologist but it wasn't until May. May?! Wow. They made a copy of my ultrasound report and my blood work for me to come pick up to bring with me to my appointment......in May.

Well, Isaak was out of town that week and I didn't feel like dragging the girls to the clinic, so I waited until Isaak got home and asked him to pick up my records for me.

I set them on my desk.

Two days later, on Thursday, I finally decide to open the envelope and check the paperwork and make sure all the copies had been made.

I was thumbing through and came to my ultrasound report. Lots of numbers, words I don't understand. Put it away.

I call Isaak, who is out of town again, and randomly bring up the report, telling him I looked it over and asked if he looked at it...and he says, "yeah, and there are two growths on your thyroid." 


"What? I didn't read that, where did you read that?!"

I tear the report back out of the envelope and scan to the bottom paragraph and sure enough...the ultrasound discovered two "nodules" on each side of my thyroid.

Furious that the test showed something and my doctor didn't call me I called the clinic and left a message for my doctor to call me at once.

A million questions raced through my mind. And I was angry that my report was released to me without my doctor calling and interpreting it for me beforehand.

After 24 hours I was finally put in touch with my doctor.

And again, there wasn't much he could tell me. Yes, I have two growths on my thyroid, but he reassured me that they were small in size for "growths". And while it's uncommon to have growths on your thyroid, it's not uncommon for people with hyperthyroidism. But, I'd have to ask my endo for percentages. He did say that there are people with my condition who have nodules on their thyroid and they don't affect them in any way. My thyroid itself is normal in size and not disfigured in any way...except for the growths that is.

But, as far as what the masses are...he is not able to order any additional tests to discover that. I have to wait for my apt. with my endo and she will order more tests...likely a biopsy he said.

Great. Just great. A biopsy. A big old long needle being stabbed into my neck.

And, just to make matters worse...I had the great idea to ask him, "so, based on the information we have so far, what are the chances that this could be cancerous?"

His response...he very optimistically replied, "well, less than 50%!"

Ugh....clearly he said that hoping to make me feel better....but it didn't really work so well.

So now...I have two "nodules" that may or may not be cancerous....but I don't know because I can't get into see my endocrinologist until May. 

Wow.

I go from being fine a month ago, except having a pesky rapid heart rate...to finding out over night I have hyperthyroidism, and then discovering I have masses growing on my thyroid, that might be cancerous.

Crazy how fast life can change. And I'm figuring out it just isn't what you expect it's going to be.

Obviously I knew that. I knew that.

But it seems even more real now. Because now, I'm dealing with my life. My physical life. And there's just something about the idea that it may be in jeopardy that makes you just a little bit more desperate. 

Uncertainty is rough. Or at least I'm finding it to be. I've never faced so much uncertainty as I have in these past twelve days.

It's one matter to know. To know what awaits you. What a situation holds. Some idea of what the end result will be. But it's another matter entirely to live in a state of uncertainty. And right now there is no escaping it. There is uncertainty surrounding me on all sides. The unknown is haunting me. I feel it trying to close in around me....suffocate my assurance and peace of mind.

It is leaving me feeling bombarded. Out of control. Needy.

And undeniably desperate.

And for a girl who's prided herself on being "strong"....this is one hard pill to swallow.

To feel desperate. And weak.

Desperate for life. His bread of life. The only bread capable of sustaining me.

My Mom said she is going to be praying that Jesus just shrinks up these nodules and they disappear before my appointment. And I thought, that's a pretty big prayer.

But so was this..."My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39

That was the biggest prayer Jesus could have prayed. He prayed to not have to die. To take this cup from Him. He didn't for one second shy away from presenting God with His biggest request. The absolute biggest thing He could have prayed for, He did.


And so am I. 

Because this is my year of specific. And there is nothing more I would like than to have these nodules cease to exist when I go to visit the Endo. For the Lord in His almighty unfathomable God power to shrink up these growths to nothing. Nothing. Not even a remnant. Will God do it? I don't know. But it's not going to stop me from praying it. 

And in the mean time....praying for the Lord to sustain me in my new desperate state. And He is. He is faithful. Lavishing on me peace when fear is trying to break in. Bestowing His assurance when uncertainty threatens to rob me of hope. Granting rest when chaos tries to reign.

May seems like an awful long time to wait. But it's all in God's timing. And God's timing is always on time. 

So here is desperate me with my two little cuties putting my hope and trust in our really big mass shrinking God. And no matter the circumstances of this life He brings my way to walk in, He is faithful and walking with me always. And so....

A-shi-ra, a-shi-ra, a-shi-ra!!!!

I will sing, I will sing, I will sing!!!!

Snow in Spring

tou-ché Nebraska, tou-ché

An unexpected week

This has certainly been an unexpected week.

Lots of things happening in different directions.

As I type I'm not sure of what the outcomes will be, but I know God does. And I'm making that be good enough for me.

And so, before tomorrow comes, I want to take a moment to lay down some things I've heard/read this past week. Things that the Lord has used to inspire, assure, and reflect on as we wait.

"Don't settle for convenient."


"Fear is not of God."


"This didn't take God by surprise."


"In Your presence I'm made whole."


"that's doable."


"...in ten more days...."


"A___, a ____, get me a pen!!"


Revelations 3:7

"Partial obedience is disobedience to God."


"be willing."

"If I call you to it, I'll see you through it."


"He loves me anyway."


"You are God, of all else I'm letting go.."


"You are Peace, when my fear is crippling."


"His peace defies understanding, logic, and worldly explanations."

"perfect and healthy are illusions."

A butterfly flew into our backyard last summer and came to rest on the gigantic sunflowers we had growing back there. I had my camera handy, picked it up, and started taking her picture.

I probably took her picture, watching her flutter around on the flower for twenty minutes. I'd get too close, and she'd fly away for a minute then return.

I'd invade her personal space again...she'd fly away, then come back and nestle back down onto the flower. 

Butterflies are truly beautiful creatures. Fascinating little things. They start out in life as a catterpillar. They squirm through life on their belly's, wingless, ordinary, a little less ugly than a worm. But then nothing less than a miracle happens and they completely transform. They go from ordinary to extraordinary. They are no longer limited to life squirming around on their belly....now, they can fly. Their beautifully unique wings can take them anywhere. Truly, nothing less than a miracle....to start out in life one way, and then be transformed to something new.

I continued to watch her. Fascinated by the beauty and grace of this little creature. Such a wonderful little gift...to have wings. Beautiful wings no less. And not only are they beautiful, but the underneath is patterned after a leaf. So, that from the air, when looking up into the sky, they are camouflaged to look like a leaf. Brilliant. Made with such design, purpose, and creativity.

But, I had a limited view of my little winged friend. I followed her carefully around that sunflower, taking in all the little aspects of her design, fascinated with her creation, and Creator. But, again, I had a limited view. Always following her from roughly the same angle. And it wasn't until I completely changed my perspective......

that I realized she was broken. Not perfect after all. Her original design was off, less than what it was suppose to be. She was no doubt created with two wings intact, but once she came out of her chrysalis...and entered the world that awaited her...she encountered brokenness around her, and she inevitability fell subject to that brokenness.

But, as I watched her from my new perspective, her life became even more beautiful and fascinating. No, she wasn't perfect. Her wings were broken and flawed, BUT, but but but...she could still fly. I watched her...broken wing and all...flutter off that flower and fly in the breeze of the morning. Off to explore different parts. Not letting her broken wing stop her from moving forward, and flying onward.

I am without a doubt this broken butterfly.

I started out in life as something much different. And through the grace and love of Jesus He transformed me into something new. But, I'm still broken. I'm still less than His original design for me. I'm flawed and imperfect. But despite my brokenness and imperfection He calls me to spread my wings and fly. Because regardless of how broken I may be, or how much the world beats me down...He still created me to fly. And it's because of Jesus I can. He gave me my wings. And He doesn't want me to waste my life sitting on the sunflower. Yes it pretty, and I'm fed, and safe...but it's limited. It's comfortable. Easy. And if God says I can still fly even though my wings are all busted up...then by golly, I've got to try.

Even though...
"I am the thorn in Your crown
I am the sweat from Your brow,
I am the nail in Your wrist,
I am Judas’ kiss,
I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground,
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
When this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace,"

when my brokenness makes me undeserving of your goodness and gifts....you love me anyways. And You encourage me anyways. And You insist, anyways.


"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

My hope is in the Lord. No matter the outcomes of this life, my hope is in the Lord. I will soar on wings like an eagle. I will run and not grow weary. I will walk and not be faint. The Lord renews my strength.

No matter what tomorrow holds....my hope is in the Lord. If He insists I fly regardless of the circumstances of this life....then off the sunflower I go. Imperfect wings and all. 

While Daddy's away....

we do just about the same stuff as we do when he's here!
(Except sprinkled in with a little more Mommy time with other friends who's husbands are bye-bye, and staying up really late getting my '24' on. :~) )

The girls constructed Rapunzal's tower out of cushions and took turns being "trapped."

Sydaleigh did a complete make over on her "Mr. Bear" and thought he was better suited as a girl, with earrings, bracelets, a necklace and fancy shoes. 

Marvelly ate her breakfast of champions. How I ever ended up with a child who would rather eat hard boiled eggs and avocado than cereal in the morning...I'll never know! But this is by far her favorite think to eat in the morning, or any meal for that matter. :)

Upon Sydaleigh's request we all decorated plates and she made corresponding place setting cards for each of us and set them around the table for dinner that evening. This girl has boat loads of artistic flare.

And the girls helped make a "bridge" that scaled nearly the entire length of our downstairs. The "bridge" was to keep them safe from the "lave" which was the floor.  We had a very rousing time running back and forth across the bridge and if a poor soul did happen to fall into the fiery lava we would have to pull them back to safety and perform life saving procedures on them, aka, lot of tickling to bring them back to life. My girls have one heck of an imagination. :~)

Waiting for God to release the arrow

I was told that our faith is like a bow and arrow.
We're the bow, and God's the archer.

He holds the bow in His hands.
His hands...strong and able.
Perfect precision.

He gathers up the bow in His hands, and then sets the arrow in place.
He aims.
Taking into careful consideration the direction to release.

He begins to pull, and pulls and pulls and pulls.
Stretching the string back further, and further and further.

He feels the resistance now.
The bow is under considerable strain as the string is pulled back another inch at a time.

The string is drawn back so far it feels like it will snap.

The bow softly cries out to the Archer, "stop stretching me, I can't go back any more without breaking."

But He gently keeps bringing back his arm, pulling just a little bit more....because He knows the bow.
Because not only is He the archer, He is also the bower, the creator of the instrument He holds in His hands. 
He crafted it out of the finest wood and string, and He knows just how far he can stretch it.
And He's confident with His hand holding it firmly in His grasp, it won't buckle.

"just a little further...al-most.there" the Archer says... 

"I know this is tight and uncomfortable....

Being stretched always is."

And right when the bow doesn't think it can go back anymore......release.
God lets go, and sets His arrow into motion.


As uncomfortable as the bow was while being stretched to kingdom come....it knew that in order for the arrow to fly and reach it's target...it had to be stretched. There is no other way for the arrow to get there.

I know that God is going to stretch me, a LOT, in order to bring about His plan and purpose for my life. And goodness knows it's not comfortable, and most of the time I don't feel like I can handle it. And in those moments when I start entertaining doubts and giving a foothold to my insecurities... He whispers His sweet encouragement and reassures me of His promise...

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”Joshua 1:9

I am clinging to this truth right now. And waiting for Him to set His plan in motion. 
Waiting for Him to release the arrow.

Glad this Mondays outta the way

Well, I shoulda figured with Isaak leaving for a teeny tiny TDY for the first time in who knows how stinkin' long....that something, was bound, to go wrong.

Little did I know that as I was running out the door at 8:45 this morning to take Sydaleigh to school, in the clothes I wore to bed, with my house looking like a land fill, and smellin' like one too...that that something would go wrong.

I stand at the front door of the house on our way out and press the 'open' button for the sliding door on my van on the keys, and the door doesn't open. I stand there and push it again, waiting for the side door to glide its way on back...and again, nothing. 

Hmmm, well, I don't know. Maybe the keys forgot how to work! It's Monday, I forget how to work on Mondays. I didn't want to get outta bed this morning. I was tired from last night, and every other night since Isaak left because for some reason I don't go to bed till late in the night when he's gone.

So yeah, maybe my keys were tired. Maybe they just needed me to shake em a bit.

Hmm, no, not responding to my shaking.

Maybe they need me to scream at them, that'll wake em up.

Nope, still not doin' what I want.

Maybe if I shake and scream and push down on the 'open' button really hard all at the same time, THEN, they will open the sliding door.

Well dang. What is up with my keys?! They didn't respond to any use of force I assaulted on them.

Guess I'm gonna have to walk over to the car, and open the door myself!

"Lousy keys, just do what you're told already! Don't you know it's Monday!"

So, I walk over to my van, and I pull on the door handle all.by.myself. *gasp* And wouldn't ya know, the door didn't glide back. It barely opened at all. I think maybe my keys weren't the problem. Good thing cause I was ready to chuck them in the street. (I was tired. Okay?! I'm not normally this neurotic.)

After further investigation, nothing is moving, lighting up, or making noise in any way to prove that my van is working.

Well, dang.

At this point my keys not working would have been the lesser of the problem. Now my whole van has called it quits!

And Isaak is gone. And it's 9am in base housing so all my male neighbors are gone. And the only one who wasn't gone got home an hour ago because he's working mids. No way I'm knockin' on his door.

Well, dang. Quite the predicament. I leave a very pathetic message on Isaak's phone making it quite evident that I am helpless and have no idea how to fix the car, that is mysteriously not starting, and I can't even find the latch on the hood, to pretend like I would even know what I'm looking at.

What's a girl to do with no husband around to help?

Call a friend to come over and help me. Love it how military wives band together. As soon as I explained my predicament, I get a, "yup, no surprise something went wrong when he left, something always does!" And then in the afternoon while I skyped I heard, "yup,no surprise something went wrong when he left, something always does. Better stop while it's just the car, don't run the sink, flush the toilet, or turn on the furnace, cause they're liable to break too!"

Evidently in the book for military spouses it states that all things mechanical should be off limits when your spouse leaves, because it will break. :~)

So Beccy hurries over and we take Sydaleigh to school. I get through to Isaak who is trying to instruct me on how to jump start the car, because it's pretty clear that the battery pooped out.

I make a mental list of everything he's telling me, not wanting to electrocute myself to smithereens.

And we head over to get Beccy's jumper cables, because ours are in Isaak's car which is at the clinic. Of course.

We can totally do this!! Just because we are a bunch of chics who've never jump started a car before doesn't mean we can't. Yeah, that's right, we GOT this.

Just making sure I go through my mental list of what to do so I don't get electrocuted. 

"Okay, remember the list.... red, black, red, black. Red on positive. Black on negative. Don't touch the cables together or they will spark. Wait, spark or blow something up? In my mind he said blow something up. Better let Beccy attach the ones on her car first, just in case. :~) Whew, no sparks or explosions, I think it's safe for me to attach the second two now."

We totally did it! We jumped started the cars with no husbands! We are so awesome.

Oh, except that we didn't. Shoot. The battery was so beyond dead it wouldn't even charge.

After all that work...we risked our lives for nothing!

Now we had to call for back up. Rats, I was totally hoping to revel in my girl power. But I was not about to yank that battery out on my own, that had death written all over it. Even with the car off, it would find a way to electrocute me. :)

So, the morning and afternoon wears on and by dinner time we're able to get it fixed. Thank you Jesus! Beccy's husband very graciously went to the store and replaced the battery for us, and then installed it.  And though and behold, once the new battery was in and the car was all lit up and running again, I not so surprisingly turn around to see the little light next to Sydaleigh's seat turned on. That little light she turned on on her way home from school on Friday, that stayed on all Saturday and Sunday because we didn't go anywhere all weekend. That little light, completely sucked the life from our car.

The lesson here-
don't let the kids turn on the lights in the car,
don't even let the kids touch the lights in the car even if they say they're not turning them on,
don't be surprised when the car stops running or the toilet explodes while Isaak is away, because apparently it's all triggered to malfunction then.
and thank the Lord profusely for great friends who will give up their mornings and evenings to help you. (thank you Beccy-you're a rockstar!)

TDY, 24 and Barbies

Blah.

I came on here wanting to unload some thoughts and I've deleted everything I've typed so far.

Me and the girls are flying solo while Isaak gets some special training in the middle of no where right now. We have big plans while he's gone to eat lots of cereal for dinner, followed by chocolate shakes, and dance parties to Mamma Mia.

I have big plans on reading The Voice in the Wind, which I just got from the library, and watching as much 24 as possible. I tried to tell myself that I would wait to watch them until Isaak came home, since that's our new favorite obsession...but I just can't go ten days without my 24 fix. It's bad. I stayed up till 1am last night (would of only been midnight but stupid day light savings sucked an extra hour from me.) And it's even more pressing that I watch them since Netflix is going to be taking them off my instant view in twenty days. So glad I didn't jump on the 24 wagon when it came out 9 years ago...I would have been driven to insanity having to wait every week to watch them!

Marvi is coming down with a little cold so we stayed home from church this morning. Poor girl has forgotten how to blow into a tissue; every time I ask her she just sucks it all back up. That snot is liable to be in there till she's five the rates she's at.

Sydaleigh climbed out of bed a minute after I left her room last night, followed by Marvelly and before I knew it I was pulling what remains of my collector barbies out of my closet and looking at them with the girls. Over the past two years I've been slowly taking one down at at time and giving them to the girls to play with. I've had some of these Barbies for 20+ years, and they've just sat in their boxes, only to be looked at and never played with. I decided a few years ago when Sydaleigh first discovered them and I saw her eyes bulge out of her head, that I would give them to the girls. What good is a toy if it's never played with. I want to see my girls delight in them, rather than just collect dust because they might be worth a few bucks. They're not worth more than the joy my girls will have in playing with them, that's for sure.

While I took them down I forgot what I even had up there. I found a Barbie Odette from Swan Lake with wings that light up. Another Rapunzal. Holiday one's galore. A Talk of the Town. Looking at them made me ever so thankful for my mom, and how she delighted in buying me special things. And now I get to enjoy them with my own kids.

Kinda surreal.

Somedays I think back and I'm ten years old again, sitting on my daybed, looking at my soft green walls covered in hockey posters, and looking up at the long wooden shelf my dad built for me to store all my special barbies. I'd play with my barbies for a while, and then bust out my slew of hockey cards. Back and forth I'd go, equally delighted in both. And then I hear giggles, or screaming, and I'm transported back to my adult life as a mother and wife. Crazy how fast life changes. But I still have it all, stored safely away in my closet. The barbies, and the hundreds of hockey cards. A gentle reminder of my time as a child. Well, except now new little children are playing with some of the barbies in their bedroom. And, who knows, maybe one day I'll have a son who loves sports and I can give him my old hockey cards, to look at and sort through like I once did.

It's a beautiful cycle.

And I'm off to revel in it.

Dr. apt. #1 for my thyroid

Went to see my doctor yesterday afternoon for my thyroid. There wasn't a whole lot he could do, or really tell me at this appointment since he doesn't specialize in dealing with thyroids.

But, it was still productive.....
-he put in a referral for me to be seen with an endocrinologist, which is what I was praying for.

-he also put in an order for me to have an ultrasound of my thyroid, which I'll be having done tomorrow afternoon. He said the ultrasound will help show how large my thyroid is, if there's any masses, and whatever else they look for. Praying for a normal looking thyroid, and, no masses, obviously.

-he also wrote e a prescription for beta blockers to reduce my heart rate until I can be seen by my endo and start on some treatment. I've yet to take the beta blockers, much to Isaak's dismay, he doesn't understand why I just won't take the medicine if it will help me feel better. And quite frankly, neither do I?! But I'm nervous to be on medicine that's sole purpose is to affect my heart from beating. And until I have clear direction and peace from the Lord I can't get myself to take them. So, praying for the Lord's guidance and peace with this medicine.

-need to make sure I'm getting plenty of calcium b/c having hyperthyroidism makes your bones weak and susceptible to osteoporosis.

-but good news is the doctor told me he's not concerned about my heart being damaged from the prolonged untreated tachycardia. He said typically heart rates at 130bpm don't usually cause damage, it's just really uncomfortable. So, another answered prayer as I was worried about the strain this was having on my heart. Praying he knows what he's talking about! Believing that he does!

So, this was step one. Next up is my ultrasound tomorrow.

Praying the Lord's peace would continue to rule my heart.

Mamma Mia, here we go again!

We have been waiting for this night for practically a year. Months and months and months ago Liz snatched up ten tickets to Mamma Mia at the Orpheum and last night was the.night. So off we went with ten of us in tow, and we had a ball!

at Beccy's before the show

First we headed over to Hiro 88 for dinner before the show. And as usual, we really know how to empty some plates, let me tell ya! So good, perfect atmosphere, delicious food. It was the perfect place to start off the night.

We ended up leaving the restaurant, late, and had to make a mad dash to the theater. Seriously, a mad dash, our car load was running down the street, in heels, in an attempt not to miss even one minute. We got there with minutes to spare. Fashionably right on time. :~)

All through the performance I was assaulted with memories of polyester, big hair, and bright blue eye shadow, recalling the last time I went to pay tribute to Mamma Mia and Abba via Bjorn Again at Papillion's amphitheater. It was a wild night then, full of dancing and laughing and crazy looks from strangers who would never be caught dead wearing 70's attire in the 21st century. So glad I have friends who don't care about that kind of stuff. :~) And so glad I had another memorable night celebrating some Abba love with new friends this time.

Last night was a little more tame, due to the fact that it was in a theater, and a play was technically going on, but it was just as fun. After the final act the cast came out and bowed, and then the whole ensemble assembled on stage to treat the audience to three songs- Mamma Mia, Dancing Queen, and Waterloo. There wasn't a non-sequined material on them! Head to toe in fabulous 70's pantsuits! Even the dudes. :) My only regret was that we didn't have aisle seats, so I was trapped in the middle of my row, unable to venture out to the freedom the aisle held to dance without restrain. Next time I'm sittin' on the aisle. But other than having to restrain these dancin' feet...it was flippin GREAT!!!

I'm surprised to say that I actually loved the play a hundred times more than I loved the movie. It really was so.much.better. All of the characters were spot on. The singing was superb, the dancing, the jokes, facial expressions, the quick little interactions between characters... all of it complimented every element of the story.

And hands down the star of the show was Donna. Her voice was IN-sane. And the pinnacle of her performance came during the scene that she sings Winner Takes It All. That scene where she serenades Sam was so moving and powerful I wanted to cry. Meryl Streep had nothin' on this chic! She brought that song to life with her gut wrenching rendition and made that probably my favorite part of the show. Well, it was probably tied with Money Money Money. The whole cast participated during this scene where Donna performed that number. Oh my gosh, it was so good. I loved that whole choreographed dance number, their movement on the stage, their interaction with Donna, ahhh, so good! So so good.

Sofie's best was What's the Name of the Game. Which I was not expecting but I love that the play performs more songs than the movie. There were five more songs included in the play than the movie. Dude, cha ching!! I want to go see it again and again and again!!

Ahhh, such a good night. Loved every minute of it. Had so much fun with these ladies!

Between places

"We, too, are between places at times.
The Israelites were between a victory and a defeat, yet they did not know it."

"We, too, are between places at times."

I read these words last week in my bible study. I read them again early Monday morning. And I thought to myself..."I wonder what place I'm between right now? Is a defeat looming up ahead that I can't see? A victory perhaps? Something unexpected?"

The truth is, we're always in between places. Not at times, but always. We can never fully see what's around the corner. We don't fully know what tomorrow holds. We can plan our lives out as best we can, but we can't plan for everything.

And that's where faith comes in. Putting faith in the LORD to guide you through all the in betweens. And then standing in that faith once you get to the place the LORD is leading. 

Faith without works is dead.

The magnitude of this has really started to sink in these last six weeks. The Isrealites could say all.they.want, "sure God, we trust you," but if they never shouted out in faith, a shout of faith that would bring the walls of Jericho down around them...it would have meant nothing.

They could say that they had faith until their faces turned blue, but if they never stepped one foot in the raging Jordan, a step of faith into a churning sea, a step of faith that would halt the waters....it would have meant nothing. Nothing.

And they would have stood there, defeated, by their own inability to take a step of faith, in an ever faithful God.

Because in order for God to supernaturally bring down the walls of Jericho, He required the people to shout believing that He would.
In order for God to supernaturally part the Jordan river, He required the people to step into it, believing that He would.

I can tell God all I want, "of course I trust you!" But if I never step into my Jordan, my faith is dead. My faith needs to respond to God believing that He will and He has, even if I don't know what His will entails.

Yesterday, on a routine doctors appointment to check out a cyst, something completely unrelated was discovered. Something that I have been having symptoms for for years. And it was always dismissed. Always brushed off. No one took into account my concerns. Said I was perfectly normal. Little did I know my normal wasn't normal at all. I've never been a person who's been plagued with sickness. I have lived a remarkably healthy life. No complaints except for a yearly cold, or a headache once a month. Except for this pesky symptom. A racing heart rate. Between 115-130bpm. My heart beats so fast and so forceful I can feel it every minute of every twenty four hour day. It will keep my from falling asleep. It will wake me up in the morning. It makes my body run internally as if I was constantly doing aerobic exercises. There is no break. There is no relief. Constantly racing. An ever present reminder that something feels wrong, but always being told that it's not.
Thanks be to my Lord and Savior the doctor I saw yesterday, who was seeing me for something unrelated, agreed to order a blood test for me, after hearing my concerns again over my clocked 130bpm. It the tests are normal, a machine will tell me. If not normal, she will tell me.

A couple hours later, which is a down right miracle in military time when it comes to getting any sort of information...

the doctor called.

Blood tests came back. Not normal.

My thyroid is running out of whack.

I have hyperthyroidism.

Which she said explains my incessantly rapid heart rate. Which explains why I can always feel it beating. Which she assured me is not normal.

Finally. An explanation. Not an explanation I was prepared for. I wasn't prepared to hear something was wrong with me even though it felt like something was. But still. An explanation. A explanation behind my racing heart, my trembling hands, being hungry every hour, and likely a slew of other things.

But that's all I know. My next step is an appointment on Monday to request a referral to be seen by an endocrinologist. And, that's as far as I can see.

I don't know much at this point but I do know there will be further testing to try to discover the cause of my thyroids malfunction. And then treatment in the form of lifelong medication or surgery(with lifelong medication) depending on my severity.

It's scary to find out something is wrong inside you. Especially when nothing's ever been wrong with you. And to know there is nothing you can do to fix it yourself. To feel broken. Weak. And helpless.

A great position to be in to depend on God. A great position to be in to see if I've been all talk...or if I really have the faith I say I have.

I don't know much of what my future with this entails....but right now I know the Lord is leading me to my Jericho. And I can either gaze up at those gigantic terrifying walls and choose to stand in fear, or.....I can step out in faith and shout a victory cry to my God who has already won my battle...and watch the walls crumple at my feet.

So I'm choosing faith right now. I'm choosing to approach my Jericho and shout forth in victorious praise because my God is bigger than my problem. And I don't need to know the outcome to know that my King has already conquered it. He holds my heart in His hands. And no harm can come to me there.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; 

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.        A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.        You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. 

You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” Psalm 91

Heart

God felt it necessary to leave a subtle reminder of His love for me in my cake batter.

He's got my heart in His hands. 

That's the safest place for it.

:~)