The land of options

A low iodine diet.

Purpose: to starve the thyroid of iodine in preparation for a radioactive iodine treatment (RAI). After two weeks of little to no iodine the thyroid will be so depleted it will suck up every bit of radioactive iodine in an attempt to kill it. 

When I found out I had to be on this diet I didn't think a whole lot of it.  I seriously had no idea what kinds of food contained iodine. I mean really....iodine isn't exactly one of those elements people think about too much. And seen as how I've been a vegetarian for the past 29 years I mostly pay attention to the important things like iron...and protein. Not so much iodine.


So dude....when I found out what foods did contain iodine...therefore, which foods I can not eat...I nearly started hyperventilating!


No dairy ( including milk, cheese, cream, yogurt, butter, ice cream, powdered dairy creamers, whey, casein, or other dairy products).


No seafood 


No iodized salt or sea salt


No egg yolks


No baked, processed, or packaged foods


No red dye #3


No chocolate (b/c of the dairy)


No soy


No pinto, red kidney, lima or navy beans


No potato skins.


Basically...nothing with salt. Nothing with dairy. Nothing with soy. Nothing with naturally occurring iodine.

Do you know just how much stuff contains salt? Almost everything.
Do you know how much stuff contains some kind of dairy? Almost everything.
Do you know how much stuff contains some sort of soy product? Almost everything.

Being a vegetarian for the past 19 years I've kinda come to depend on, well, just about every single one of those things! Those are my sources for nutrition! What  am I gonna eat now?!

I actually got mad on Thursday when I saw what I couldn't eat for this diet. I wanted to cry at the idea of having to go without so many foods. Completely frustrated knowing what I had to give up.

But then that lovely oh so subtle Voice started whispering in my ear...."Really Melissa? Really? Look where you live. Look what's at your disposal. You're upset because you have to temporarily give up certain foods? Come on...."

Dang....He's always right. (sometimes that's really annoying when I'm looking to wallow in my desirable self pity.)

But seriously. After hearing that and reflecting on that truth for a while...my complaints started to seem absolutely ridiculous. And disgusting.



Because the fact of the matter is.....we live in the land of options. If you look hard enough...you will find something you can eat.


So I started looking. And boy was I surprised to find I didn't have to look very far. I didn't even have to broach Whole Foods doors...just made my way to my nearest Bakers. How easy is that?!


Granted, I had to pick up every jar of peanut butter on the shelf, but after a few minutes, I managed to find an organic peanut butter made only of peanuts. 
I had to pick up every carton of ice cream, but after a few minutes, I managed to find an organic dairy free soy free salt free ice cream. (it was actually really good).


It's certainly more of a challenge. No doubt it's a challenge. But by golly...if you look hard enough...you can find something you can eat.

Because this is America after all.

The land of endless options.

It doesn't matter what kind of diet you adhere to...vegetarian, vegan, macrobiotic, low iodine, diabetic, lactose free diet, gluten free diet....there are options out there for you.

Coconut milk instead of dairy.
Egg whites instead of yolks. 
Margarine instead of butter.
Sugar free, no salt added, tofu stuffed, organically natural. 

There's something out there for everyone.


Again....here, where I live, there is something out there for everyone. How flippin' blessed am I? And I have the nerve to complain? 

I may have to give up some staples, some luxuries, and some flavor, but regardless of what I've had to temporarily give up...I've still got food. For every meal. I've still got food.

Which is a whole lot more than these precious kids can say.

(*photos courtesy of Linny at A Place Called Simplicity)

These kids, who live on the streets of Kampala, are maybe guaranteed one meal a day. Maybe. For most not even that. They have to crouch down in an alley and pass around a bowl of food to share. Not even a plate of their own. Not even a chair or a table to sit at. Just the cold crowded street.

And I have the nerve to complain about my low iodine diet. I have the nerve to complain about food in this country, in my home. 


I mean, let's just take a look at what I have in my kitchen....(not to mention that I didn't even have to bat an eye to buy it all)

craving pasta....here's some spaghetti at my disposal. Oh, can't have regular noodles right now...not to worry, I've got organic durham wheat noodles instead.

 how about a slew of fresh fruits and vegetables to go with my meal

 How about some topping.....salsa, tapatio sauce, two different mustards, two different ranches, soy sauce, terriyaki sauce, balsamic vinegar, BBQ sauce, mayo, ketchup, jelly.....

lets look in this cupboard...three differet kinds of sugar, spices and more seasonings out the wazoo, three different kinds of beans, including no salt added ones. 

in the mood for cereal...lets see...I have six different boxes to choose from. 

And milk...1% low fat...or coconut?

for dessert? How about two baskets full of candy...or a freezer full of ice cream...chocolate, vanilla, dairy free....take your pick.....how about Popsicles???? Plenty to choose from....

how about some more topping?

regular, or lite?

"I'm sorry, diabetic? This is what you get."

"I'm sorry, lactose intolerant....this is what you get."

"Can't have salt...too bad...this is what you get."

"Don't like meat..too bad...this is what you get."

"Gluten intolerant...oh well...this is what you get."

"Irritable bowel syndrome...deal...this is what you get." 

"Tired of eating this same meal...well, you can starve if you like, or this is what you get." 

Truly...there are countless places in the world...where this is all they get. 

(*photo courtesy of Linny at A Place Called Simplicity)

Maybe. If they're lucky...this is what they get.  They don't have the luxury or endless options. They don't have luxuries at all. They get a bowl to share. And a cold street to eat it on.

And I had the nerve to complain. 

I've got a long way to go....

So grateful I serve a loving God who desires to take me there. Who desires to take me the long way. To rid me of my pride. And self pity. And complaining heart. To rid me of everything that threatens to rob me of Him. Who desires to transform my complaints and grumbles into gratefulness.

So right now I'm choosing to be grateful to go without. Grateful to not get everything I want out of this life. To know what it's like to have to give up some things. To lack some of the extras.

Because when ya don't get every last thing you want out of life....well, it helps to put things in proper perspective. It helps to remind you of just how blessed you really are. It helps you to focus more on what you do have.

And I'm reminded.

Easter weekend

Easter was great this year. Nothing fancy or extravagant. Just church. Family. Friends. And a little bit of cookin'.

Friday evening we hit up Good Friday service with some favorite friends, Michael and Kara :~), had dinner together and had an all around fantastic night of fellowship and remembrance. Saturday we took the girls to the base lake Easter Egg Hunt and I hit up Water for Elephants in the evening with a couple girlfriends. And Sunday we started the morning off with our Easter tradition of hiding the kids baskets and making them hunt them down if they wanted what's inside. :~) Easter service was great and we brought a gal from Isaak's work. An then headed to Kristine's for an early dinner. It ws great. And easy breezy.

searching for their baskets

an egg hunt at Kristine's.

the sun actually made an appearance which I was please to pieces over.

 

Happy Easter!

THE results-Grave's Disease

So, the results are in from my thyroid testing last week, and I officially have Grave's Disease. 

I was expecting to hear that. I don't like the fact that I have an auto immune disease...but I do. So fine. I have an untreatable disease, moving on. :~)

We talked treatment options for my thyroid....and again, the doc recommended doing a radioactive iodine treatment. I was again expecting to hear that.

What I was NOT expecting to hear however, was that for seven days from recieving my radioactive iodine treamtent I can not be the primary caregiver of my kids.

"I'm sorry, I think I misheard you...say what?!"

Dang, didn't mishear her. Because I will have a high concentration of radiation in my neck I can not kiss, hug, hold, bathe, or play with the girls. I can not sleep in the same bed, share the same bathroom, or sit next to Isaak on the couch. I can not be less than an arm's length distance away from people. All people. For seven days.

Well, wasn't expecting that.

Just when I thought things were starting to get a bit easier! Life throws a big ole wrench right in my path!

Seriously?!

I'm still sorta in shock. Just shocked.

Ya just never know what life is gonna throw your way when ya wake up in the morning. You'd think that in the past five weeks I'd be used to surprises. But nope. Life still finds a way to make my eyes shoot out and my mouth drop to the floor.

The doctor told me that if I choose not to do the radioactive iodine treatment, I could take medication to slow my thyroid for a few years until the girls are older and then have the radioactive iodine in a few years. But, I would need constant monitoring if I did the medication, with doctor visits every 3-6 weeks to check my levels. Or, I could have surgery...but I would still have to first take the medication to slow my thyroid down for a while before they could operate. Not to mention the recovery time involved.

Wow. Yeah, sorry, but none of this is sounding too good to me. These are just all inconvenient. 


"It is never going to be convenient to have this treated, but it's at least more convenient now, than it will be in a few years, especially since you're adopting more kids! Just do the radioactive iodine, find some place to go, and get.it.over.with." my mom.

"I think this would be a good time for you to take a mini vacation and get out of the house for seven days." my husband.


"Your mom and Isaak are right. Think of it as a retreat." Holly.

One things for certain-I can't stay at home. I can't be in the same home as my children after treatment because there is no way they would understand not being able to be close to Mommy. Isaak already talked to his boss and was cleared to take leave in May for a week.

So, I guess the solution was pretty clear to everyone but me when I heard it! Do the radioactive iodine. Go someplace alone. Get it over with. Move on.

So....

I have my radioactive iodine treatment set up for Friday May 6th. And after I'm done I'm drivin' on outta here for a nice week long "retreat"...just me. Me...secluded from society. Me and the Lord. Me and my books, my bible, my t.v., my whatever I want. Just me. I can do this. (Can I?!) Me and no kids? Me and no Isaak? Me and no people, at all?! I've never, ever ever done anything like this ever. Granted, I never had a reason to seclude myself from people...and this isn't exactly what I had in mind...but, that's what's a gonna happen.

I'm slowly starting to see the Lord in all of this. His hand. His leading. Having Grave's Disease, my Greece trip being changed, and not being able to go. (another post on that to come at some point.)
It's slow. But the Lord is graciously showing me His hand in this situation.

In the meantime....from now until May 6th when I start the first leg of my treatment and retreating for a week....I have to be on a low iodine diet for sixteen days......

well that's not gonna be easy!

But I'm getting pretty used to "not easy", and learning just what it means to be flexible, and trusting, and faithful. So, why not! A low iodine diet it is.

Bring it.

Thyroid uptake and scan

Last Thursday and Friday I had my thyroid testing. Thursday morning I reported to UNMC bright and early to partake of my radioactive iodine. Really I fretted over nothing. It was all contained in a nice little capsule, so no taste, no smell, no gagging- it went down nice and easy with no (noticeable) side effects. I came back four hours later and did an uptake. Where this nifty little cylindrical device was moved and placed over my thigh and neck for four minutes each time to read how much radioactive iodine I had absorbed so far.

Friday morning I went back to the hospital bright and early, did another uptake, with that machine again, and then I went and did my scan. Which they (they being two young twenty something techs) told me consisted of a camera being positioned by my neck to take a series of pictures. Three pictures lasting ten minutes each...so a total of thirty minutes.

They probably asked me four times if I was claustrophobic. Each time I answered "no". But I haven't exactly had a reason to be. And sitting in the room where the "scan" was going to be taken....I couldn't imagine why in the world they'd keep asking me that. I didn't see anything. Nothing to warrant being claustrophobic over. I mean, there was seriously nothing in this room that I could see except a long gurney in the center of the room. So I figured the camera would be small in size too. It all looked pretty harmless...and spacious. No need to feel trapped in here.

Mmmm hmmmm.

I was wrong.

That camera was not small. Not small AT ALL!

Oh yeah, and thinking there was no reason to feel trapped....wrong on that too!! Definitely wrong!

That room was very deceiving!

I laid down on the gurney, or whatever that long skinny bed was called. And all of a sudden the gurney starts to move up towards the ceiling, and then next thing I know the ceiling starts to move..."AHHH! What the crap is that!" I shriek very loudly to myself. It was then I understood their reasons for asking me if I was claustrophobic.


That massive moving thing on the ceiling heading straight for me would be the "camera". Yeah, that ain't no camera I've ever seen before...and I know cameras!

I tried finding a picture of this "camera" on line, but nothing matched. So I drew a picture for my own records.

That would be me, lying there helplessly, totally trapped. Unexpectedly surrounded.

How I didn't see that beast of a machine suspended from the ceiling, I don't know. But the tech had to position that thing an inch away from my neck. At one point a doctor came in, put her hand on my neck, and said the machine needed to be a knuckles worth of distance away.

It was then that I started contemplating my escape.

My life hung in the balance of this twenty something year old tech, slowly positioning this multi-ton piece of metal a mere knuckle away from my neck. And all I could do when he moved it ever closer and closer....was silently scream to myself, "too close too close too close.....don't crush my neck, don't crush my neck!!!! STOOOPPPPPPP!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Thank goodness he stopped each time before crushing my neck because I determined that at the slightest touch of flesh I could propel myself backwards off the gurney to safety. Backwards was my only way out seen as how I was surrounded on every other side. Luckily it never came to that. :~)

But if I thought being crushed to death was going to be my only worry...it only took closing my eyes to realize it wasn't.

Thanks to the gurney moving up and down, every time I closed my eyes it felt like I was moving. Or rather falling. That same feeling you get right after you get off an elevator, you still feel like you're movin' a little. It was like that. So I would close my eyes, and feel like I was falling, and then have to open my eyes to try and regain my barrings and not be able to focus because a big ole piece of metal was an inch away from my eyes.

I had to continuously tell myself, "stop freaking out, you're not moving. See, not moving. Laying still. Find something, anywhere to focus on, to get your barrings. It's gonna be okay. Ah ah ah, stop freaking. It'll all be over soon."

And then, yeah, that's right, there's more....on top of having my equilibrium all jacked up, and being an inch away from being pulverized...I.could.not.move. At all.

That thing was so close to my head it made moving, turning, or lifting my head and chest impossible. And that may not seem like a big deal...but when you have to lie PER.FECT.LY still for thirty minutes, thir.ty minutes, with some big ole thing in your face...it's hard. And freaky. And your head will start to iche for no reason. But you can't scratch it. And your neck will start to cramp, but you can't move it. And you'll feel a piece of fuzz on your nose but can't brush it away. So it's left to torment you.

Thirty minutes of complete stillness, feeling like you're falling, fearing your neck may be crushed, and praying relentlessly it won't be.

Needless to say I felt a great sense of accomplishment when it was over. I survived my testing without whiggin' out.

(At least publicly. I'm pretty sure I was only screaming in my head....no one in the room told me otherwise. :~) )
So that constitutes a triumphant pat on the back. A strut in my walk. A "Yippe Jesus" for helping me not to whig. And a deep desire to never have to do that again. Ever. Ever ever.
So glad that parts over. 

Already?

Sydaleigh at breakfast....

"Mom, don't say 'dang it'. 'Dang it' means poop and you shouldn't say it."

"We need to recycle this bottle. This triangle mean recycle so we need to recycle it."
me-"where did you learn about recycling?"
Syd-"George" (as in Curious George)

"Mom, when I get older I'm going to move far away. Because when I'm a grown up I'm not going to live here anymore. I'm going to live in a big city."

Oh.my.


I have to say that there was a part of me that was near hyperventilating. But I handled her five going on fifteen statement pretty well...I think.

I told her that the world is huge with lots of places and big cities to explore. And when she gets older there will be lots of places she can go and discover.

Encouraging independence.
Encouraging independence.
Encouraging independence.

I want her to grow up and take the world by storm.
I want her to go forward with out fear and explore the unknown.

I just wasn't prepared to hear about her desire for this at five.
I guess at least I've got a good head start to prepare her...and myself...before she actually does.

Ahhh, ya just never can prepare yourself for what your kids will say. But, you can guarantee they will catch you off guard with whatever it is.

Happy Monday to me. :~)

Hi.

from this big blue eyed beauty.

"Drawing is my job."

By the neon glow of her green flashlight, she lays in bed and draws.

Sweet little Sydaleigh tells me that her job is drawing. "Mom, I've gotta do my job...I have to go draw."

And she does.

Such a sweet delight to watch her pursue her interests with passion. And maybe one day drawing will be her job....ya never know. I just hope whatever she does, she pursues it with this kind of passion and enjoyment.

My 1st Endocrynologist apt.!! Early!!

Ahhh!! Thank you sweet Jesus!!!

I had my first visit with my endocrinologist yesterday! YESTERDAY!!!!

I woke up Monday morning and decided to call the endo. office again. I had called on Friday March 25th and talked to a very uninterested receptionist who said the best she could do was put me on a waiting list with everyone else trying to get in sooner. Swell. Clearly she wasn't sympathetic to my case.

I didn't want to be a pest and call up there every day and ask...or beg. :~) So I decided to wait a week, and then try calling again, telling them why I felt it was so urgent I get in sooner.

So I called Monday morning. No one answered and before I hung up I made a quick decision to just leave a message on their machine, tell them what was going on, therefore giving them the opportunity to listen to it at their free time, and decide without me begging them on the phone if they would help me.

I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more that the Lord would grant me favor with someone, anyone, in that office. That just one person would take pity on me! And work on my behalf to get me a sooner appointment.

And praise Jesus this sweet receptionist called me back not an hour later! She worked diligently on my behalf all day getting records faxed over, and got me an appointment for Tuesday with another doctor in the office who happened to have an opening!

I was a bumbling fool. I was like, "thank you thank you thank you, this means so much to me, bless you for helping me..." ha ha ha! I nearly peed I couldn't believe it! (I brought her some chocolate as a thank you!)

Ahh, my sweet Jesus answers prayers! I wasn't expecting to be seen that soon, but in Jesus' great mercy that is what He provided! (maybe more for my sanity that my thyroid-ha ha!)

So, my visit went like this......

-this doctor gal highly suspects that I have Graves' Disease, which is an auto-immune disorder where my body is attacking my thyroid. So for some unknown reason my immune system can no longer tell the difference between my healthy body tissues and antigens...and is therefore producing antibodies and assaulting them onto my thyroid.

Okaaaaay.

Geesh, I go from having a pesky rapid heart rate, to having hyperthyroidism, to having masses on my thyroid, to being told it could possibly be cancerous, to now probably having Graves' Disease.

Nice.

Anyways...I guess it's better than hearing you have cancer. :~)

-Before the doc proceeded with any more tests she did more blood work to confirm my thyroid levels,
and I should be getting those results on Thursday.

-after my blood work comes back she is going to set me up a thyroid scan at the hospital. Basically I am going to drink some oh-so scrumptious radioactive iodine, be scanned at the 4th hour and 24th hour after drinking it, and presto....they'll know what's causing all this.

-the doc did not seem overly concerned about the masses like I did, and said she doesn't suspect that they are the cause of this. She is fairly certain it's Graves Disease, and not cancerous nodules.  She didn't rule it out, but said we'll have a clearer picture once I have the scan done.

-she indicated once we discover the cause she is not going to put me on daily medication to slow my thyroid down. Apparently those medications are not safe for long term use and since I was diagnosed with this early there are too many side effects that could harm me with long term usage. So she said she will likely give me something to take that will kill my thyroid, disabling it either fully or partially, and then I will take a thyroid supplement every day forever.

I can handle that. (not that I exactly have a choice.) :~)

She was a stark contrast compared to my base doctor who over supplied information trying. I wasn't prepared for that. When I left the office I looked at Isaak and said, " I did not like her. She had poor bedside manner." 

Isaak was like, "WHAT?! She had great bedside manner! What did you want her to do, give you a hug?!"

"Well yeah, now that you mention it, a hug would of been nice actually. And she could have smiled more too. I just didn't feel like she was sympathetic to my emotional state concerning this." 

Bah ha hah ha ha!!! Guys and girls are so different. :~) Anyways, she really was very good. Very proactive. And I feel in good hands under her care.

So grateful beyond words that the Lord provided a earlier appointment. I still can't believe I've already been seen. Literally four weeks to the day early! God is SO good and gracious and merciful!

This was definitely some much needed light and mercy and hope after the disappointing news Friday and Sunday brought. (Sunday's news is another post entirely.)

Now I just wait some more. (kinda starting to get used to that, which is good, because patience hasn't exactly been my strongest quality.)

Still a family of four

On Thursday March 17th, at roughly 2:00pm I got a call from our case worker. I was reading the girls a story in their room to get ready for their quiet time when my cell rang. The number showed up as unavailable, and I thought it was probably a telemarketer, but I picked it up anyways.

Our case worker quickly told me that there was a situation he needed to discuss with me. I grabbed a pen and an envelop, the closest thing to paper I could find, and he began....

...a baby boy had been born last week and the birth parents were pursuing adoption. The baby was born with a couple of health complications but all were correctable with surgery. He was calling us prior to giving the birth parents our profile due to the child's health risks. He wanted us to talk it over through the weekend, thoughtfully consider the challenging year this would present, and let him know on Monday if we were interested in pursuing adopting this baby.

You can just never be prepared for this type of news. I have known since we started pursuing adoption that one day I would get a call like this. I knew it would come on a regular day, out of the blue. A day just like that Thursday. But even though I knew that the call would come unexpectedly, you're still never prepared for how surprised you are.  I knew I would be surprised....but, it's so different thinking and dreaming about that day coming...and then getting the call that makes it real.

It's funny because I had just gotten off the phone with Megan only two hours prior to this and she had asked me if there was any news concerning our adoption. I said what I always say, "nope. No news. Still waiting."

How quickly things can change.

After I hung up the phone, I let it sink in.

I just got a call, about possibly adopting a baby. A baby boy no less.

I felt a swirl of emotions flood over me instantaneously.

Disbelief.

Fear.

Uncertainty.

Shock.

Gratitude.

Doubt.

Excitement.

I knew I had to get in touch with Isaak.

But Isaak was TDY in Indiana at this time and his cell coverage was sketchy at best but I quickly called him praying the call would make it through. It did. I was rambling, stumbling over my words...trying to explain everything I'd been told. I was excited but also nervous as to what Isaak's reaction would be...because yes, there was a baby boy who could possibly be our son....but, but but but....he was born with health risks. Would he be as excited about trying to adopt him even with the complications????????

The first thing he said as I told him.........

"A BOY?! A BOY?!!!!! Somebody get me a pen!!!!"

His first reaction. Joy. Complete and utter joy. No doubts. No hesitation. Just joy.

That man of mine is somethin' special. He quickly wrote down all the information I gave him and set off to find the three surgeons who were working with him on this exercise. Did I mention he didn't hesitate? Not for one second. That's a good man right there.

After hanging up the phone with Isaak...panic started to set in.

I was alone. Isaak was gone. We had to discuss this over the phone, in separate states. No one to be with me. Talk with me. Keep me from freaking out. There was a baby boy out there who could possibly be our son, he had some health concerns.....my thoughts were racing....

"Could I handle this? How would I know what to do? I don't have any experience parenting a baby with complications. I'm not qualified....what if I can't? What if I mess up?"

....."what does he look like? Has he been named? Is he alone right now? Is anyone staying with him? How much does he weigh? What color are his eyes? Does he have any hair?"

My thoughts were racing back and forth between doubts and excitement, fear and joy, confident to insecure. I was a basket case!

And then this thought flooded over me....

"What will everyone think? What if they don't think we can handle this? What if they question our ability to parent under challenging circumstances? What if they're not supportive?"

I knew where the root of this thought was coming from...but I let myself ponder it for a few minutes... what if? what if our friends and family aren't supportive???? Then what?.....

the response..."do you really care more about your friends and family's opinion of you than you do Mine? If this is what I'm calling you to, what does it really matter what everyone else thinks? Do My opinion and direction for your life rank higher than the world's?"

*sigh* "I'm sorry Lord....help me to follow in Your ways and value your love and acceptance above all others."

And then it hit me. I could feel it. The battle. It's amazing how quickly the devil is ready to pounce. He sits patiently....lurking.....waiting for an opportunity to attack. Delivering an assault of doubts, lies, and fear. Before I even.had.a.chance to let this news sink in....he was already launching a campaign at every last one of my insecurities.

And in that moment I became acutely aware of what was happening. I don't care how crazy it sounds but I could feel the spiritual tension.  And I quickly went from panic mode, to desperate mode. I needed prayer. Like nothing I've ever felt before. The force was compelling me...driving me....the need was overwhelming.

So...I set out for prayer....

And every single response I received upon hearing the news....excitement. Pure excitement. And support.  (Satan is such a filthy little liar. )

But even if the response hadn't been supportive....it wouldn't of mattered....God was leading the way...and we needed to follow after Him.

After like twelve hours of hearing the news, twelve hours of praying, and twelve hours of crying :~) we were ready to call our case worker and proceed with our request to adopt the baby. We didn't need the whole weekend to discuss, we knew...we knew what God was asking us to do. It was all very clear.

Be willing. Just be the willing. We'll never know unless we try.

Would our profile be selected?

Maybe. Maybe not. But God was asking us to take a step in His direction regardless. So we did. We took one giant step towards God, and possibly a son.

Fifteen excruciatingly long days passed. Fifteen days filled with more prayers than I can count. Prayers filled with desperate pleas to be chosen...for this baby to be our son...for this baby to be our daughters brother. Prayers over the baby and the birth parents, for their peace and absolute assurance in selecting a family. Prayers filled with God's will in this situation..for His good work and promises to be fulfilled.

Fifteen days of waiting. Wondering if he was ours. Dreaming that he might be. Praying for him as if he were.

Fifteen days...that seemed like forever.

And then on the fifteenth day....we were told....

"I'm sorry. Another family was selected."

*sigh*

There is nothing that can prepare you to receive a call about possibly adopting a child...and there is nothing that can prepare you for the disappointment when it doesn't work out. 

I tried to be careful. I did. I tried to guard my heart and keep myself from getting my hopes up.

But one thing I found out through all of this.....that is an impossibility.

It's just not possible to not get your hopes up. It's impossible not to dream. And hope. And wish. And pray. And get excited about the possibilities. I tried to stay emotionally neutral...but failed miserably. Because, again, I learned, that when a child is involved...there is no neutral. You either need to be all in, or all out. I couldn't stay in the middle. I couldn't not think about it. I had made a decision that I wanted the opportunity to be his mommy, I was all in, and there is no way to escape disappointment when you're in that position.

Me and Isaak were going to dream and pray like that baby was our son until someone told us that he wasn't. Even if we were setting ourselves up for disappointment.

It was hard to hear that our prayer got a "no." It was hard when our desired will for the child didn't include us. When what was best for him involved someone else. That is why I knew my year of "specific" would be a doosey. Because I knew that some of those prayers would inevitably include disappointment. And who wants to be disappointed? But what I'm learning is that God wants us to pray those big prayers expecting that He can, even if he chooses not to. He wants us to be the willing. And beckons us to follow Him.

 

And so He is encouraging me to pray big, and not hold back...and lay it all at His feet. And follow Him regardless of the outcome. But something else the Lords showing me...He's not expecting me to be perfect. And plant a smile on my face and fake enthusiasm.

The longer I follow Christ the less concerned I get about appearing "put together".  I want to be authentic with God. And the world. Genuine and sincere. And if I can't come to Him and shed tears of hurt and disappointment, then I haven't come very far. (Something He's still definitely teaching me.) Walking by faith is hard. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has another child in store for us here, and that this was all part of His plan...but I also know I'm allowed to experience disappointment when my desired plan and God's plan aren't the same thing.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I am very disappointed that we were not chosen to adopt this baby. But I am also very confident that God is in control. I'm both. I'm disappointment and yet optimistic. Sad and still encouraged. And that's okay. And I know His plan is the best plan. 

Those fifteen days God taught me a lot and showed me a lot about myself and Him. And if that is the only reason He brought this situation into our path...then, while I may not be closer to adopting a child...God brought me closer to Him through it all. So at least I'm not in the same place I was before all of this. :~) And He's going to take me further still...I just need to keep my eyes on Him, and follow where He leads.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.  

Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,  for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. " Psalm 143:8-10