Memorial Day

God bless America

 Land that I love

 

Stand beside her

And guide her

Through the night with a Light from above

From the mountains

to the prairies

to the oceans, white with foam

God bless America, my home sweet home

My many thanks to all who serve. 

Les Miserables

Last month me and Isaak went to see Les Miserables when it was in town visiting.

Oh.my.gosh.

That was quite literally the single greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.


My.entire.LIFE!

There are hardly words to describe just how absolutely fantastic the show was. Every other show I've seen on/off broadway truly pales in comparison to Les Miserables' greatness. Not even Wicked came close (in my very Melissa opinion).

The stage design was breathtaking. And left me dumbfounded to just how they could fit all those props off stage. The props were intricate and grand and creative and thoughtfully done. I couldn't believe what I was watching was a play...it was just so grand and spectacular.

And the singing left me wanting to shout from my seat after every song.

(Actually I did shout from my seat after every song now that I mention it. :~) )

...I (along with the rest of the crowd) just couldn't sit there and keep quiet. The music was just too good, and the actors just sang them too well. I've never heard singing like that. I don't think it can even be called "singing"..."singing" doesn't sound good enough for what they did. I remember turning to Isaak so many times with my mouth hanging open. Eyes bulging. In total shock to the spectacularness that I just witnessed. Singing is an understatement. When I'm on the verge of crying after someone sings because it's so darn good...that's somethin' more.

And then there was the story.

Twenty-five years this adaptation of Victor Hugo's story has been playing in theaters.

Twenty five years, seven nights a week, all over the world....people have been proclaiming the saving grace of God.

I sat in my chair stunned at the power of the words in the music. By grace we're saved. Because of God's great love for us. No matter our past life. No matter our sins. No matter the roads we've walked and the mistakes we've made. God is able to restore and redeem and transform.

This story tells it beautifully.

I loved it so much I didn't want it to end. And neither did the rest of the crowd as we gave them a standing and shouting ovation for close to ten minutes. Ah, I was just so good!

It turns out I actually liked it more than Isaak and he was the one originally desperate to see it, after having read the book. But he didn't like the fact that there was no dialogue...just song. Which suited me just fine. 'Cause I loooove me some full blown all song and no talk musicals! Mmmm hmmmmm!! Yes I do!

Desperate for it to come back so I can see it again! I may have to go to another city if it doesn't come back. I see a Les Mis stalker in my future...either that or tormenting my family with replays of the soundtrack morning noon and night!

Killed in cold blood.

He's finally gone too far.

As if all the peeing, pooping, excessive vomiting, toy eating, plastic eating, and shoe eating wasn't far enough....

...he went and killed a poor innocent little baby bunny before our very eyes tonight! Killed him in cold.blood. The savage beast.

You've got bunny blood on YOUR paws tonight you...bunny killer!

The poor little bunny was hanging out in our yard this evening, enjoy the new flowers Sydaleigh planted, when all of a sudden Chief storms around the corner and viciously attacks him. He got one bite in on the bunnies neck before I pried him off. That was all it took though. The bunny flopped around for a few seconds trying to get away from his attacker and then could go no further.....

I scooped him up with the shovel and placed him under the pines trees in our back yard. The girls kept waiting for him to be okay....this was their first crash coarse in death. First hand anyways.

They both sat there, watching him, replaying the horrific site that they just witnessed, and quietly mourning the death of the little bunny friend.

It was a sad time round these parts tonight....and Chief the little monster is not allowed outside ever again....and he'll be darn lucky if I even let him out of the laundry room.

Isaak's birthday weekend (last weekend)

Isaak celebrated his 29th birthday last weekend. It was nice to have gotten home in time to have been able to celebrate with him...and squeeze in a little date night on Saturday too!

 (and we got to go with these fun people before they leave!)

 We went to Crave, which was very tasty, and the company was fantastic as always! 

 and then hit up the theater to watch Thor, which was so good. 

 (Isaak enjoyed not shaving while he took a week off from work)

Sunday was quiet and the girls thoroughly enjoyed celebrating Isaak's big day. There is nothing they like more than when someone has a birthday I think. :~)

Until next year.......!!!!!!!!!

While Mommy's away....

....the girls would take a nap almost every.single.day.

Wha?????

My girls are NOT nappers. Especially Marvelly. That girl stopped napping at two and hasn't looked back since.

Am I doing something wrong here?

Isaak is home for a week and they clunk out.

I am going to tell myself that there's just something about daddy's energy level that wears out a kid. Which was good for Isaak; it gave him a small window of breathing room the week I was gone.

I got many a phone call from him saying,

"the house is a wreck! And the only time I have to clean it is when they sleep because they tare it apart while they're awake!" Mmmm hmmmmm.

"I don't know how you do it babe...this is hard. I am so tired." Mmmmmm hmmmmm.

"I could literally only take a two.minute.shower because I was afraid they'd burn the house down while I was in there." Mmmmm hmmmmmm.


"how do you know if cupcakes are done?" Isaak had to make cupcakes for Sydaleigh's last day of school the day before I came home and his brain was so fried he couldn't remember! Mmmmmm hmmmm....been there.

It was funny listening to him talk to me as Mr. Mom.

He managed to keep the girls so busy they would fall asleep mid afternoon, he managed to keep them clean, somewhat fed, dressed, got them to their places on time, did their hair, remembered to have them go to the bathroom...and their was no broken bones or bald spots when I came home. :~)

And at the end of the week he was still able to say, "ya know, I thought that after spending so much time with them, I'd be sick of em'...but turns out that spending so much time with them made me only want to hang out with them more!"

Yeah....welcome to my world. Kids are pretty cool.

Isaak did beyond fabulous. And I'm very proud to say that he made it to the end of the week not only still standing, but he didn't lose any hair, get any greys, and he wasn't mumbling incoherently. All good signs in my book! My man's a trooper! Taking on mommy duties for a whole week, morning, noon and night- yeah-ya!

(on their way to Sydaleigh's preschool graduation! I was so sad to have missed it but Isaak recorded it all so I could still watch it. She even got the "Little Artist Award". In the words of her teacher...."when we would ask the kids to draw pictures of people, they would have your basic person with head, arms and legs....but Sydaleigh would have her person with clothes, shoes, a crown, eyelashes, eyebrows, lips, long curly hair, and jewelry." That's my girl! )

Lots of snuggling when I came home. We missed each other somthin' fierce! Glad to be back at it!

And just in time for Isaak's birthday!......

Seven Days of Solitude

I returned home Friday mid morning from my week long medically required retreat here in Spirit Lake, Iowa.

I was greeted by long slow motion runs with arms stretched out as far as humanly possible with shreaks of "Mooooooooommmmmmmyyyyyyyy!!!!"

It.was.fabulous.

I will never forget the girls when they saw me coming. Or how Sydaleigh was just bubbling over at the mouth not able to hardly even take a breath so excited to tell me everything. And Marvelly hugging my wrist and putting her cheek on the back of my hand telling me how glad she was I'm home. Or Isaak spilling over with joy at having me back.

Again....it.was.fabulous.

And oh so good to be home.

It is good to be home with my family.
It is good to be home with fresh perspective.
It is good to be home with renewed spirit.

It is just simply, so fantastically good....to be home....( I don't think I can say that enough right now.)

My seven days of solitude were an interesting time.

I packed loads of things to occupy myself while I was away.

 
And I was so humbly blessed with even more stuff to occupy myself while I was away. (a big thank you to Kristine, Holly, Liz, Beccy, Kara, Bekah, Isaak, Alexis, and Brooke!!!!! Y'all are the best!)

The thing that I was most worried about (not including the radiation aspect)...was being bored. What in the world was I going to do with seven days and nights just for me? Surely I was bound to get restless. Surely I was going to have long periods of staring at a spot on the ceiling...wai-ting for the time to.pass.

Or so I thought.

But actually....what I was MOST surprised to find at the end of my week...is that the time passed pleasantly, at a nice speed, with no boredom. I had more than enough to occupy my time. Plenty of books and movies. A 1000 piece puzzle that I finished thank you very much!

A beach to sit at, a lake to look at, antique stores to stroll in, bistro's to lounge in, plenty of music to listen to, lots of friends to talk to (over the phone)....it was just all more than I could have hoped for. And then the end of the week came and I was surprised at how quickly it arrived. And to that I say a big ole whoppin' "thank.you.Jesus".

And the other thing that I was most surprised to find during my retreat...was how much I desperately wanted human contact.

I hadn't given that notion any thought leading up to this. I didn't think for a second I'd be craving human contact. I was so concerned about not being bored...and keeping my salivary glands from clogging....that it didn't occur to me I'd might actually miss people (aside from my family).

Turns out I did. A LOT. Like, a lot a lot.

I found myself going down to the beach, sitting on a picnic bench, standing on my balcony...just in hopes of seeing people. Not even with hopes of talking to them...just seeing.

It was weird. And I wasn't even aware that's what I was doing for the first couple of days. But by Wednesday....I was very aware of the fact that I was hungry for contact. Conversation. Smiles. Little "hello's". Hand shakes. Whatever. Anything.

In fact I got so hungry for company that I started trying to talk to the stray animals that lived on the resort. (seriously....what's left to be embarrassed about after you admit to something like this. :~) )
As if the people there didn't think I was weird enough already, a guy caught me following and trying to lure a cat over to me. I was like, "A CAT!.......come here, come here kitty kitty...I won't hurt you....."

I got a lot of pinched eyebrows "what a weirdo" kinda looks.

And then I found that this stray cat that I followed and talked to periodically had a litter of kittens nesting under some bushes.

Kittens?! Oh lordy....I can not resist me some cutie cute kittens even when I'm not starved for company!

So....I bent down for thirty minutes in the grass trying to coax them out. Except you couldn't see the kittens from other than where I was kneeling. So passersby probably thought I was talking to the bush. For thirty minutes.

Which I 'm sure was again followed by pinched eyebrows and "hurry children, keep moving...don't get too close to her" kinda looks.

Oh well I say. :~) Good think I don't embarrass too easily. 

And then there was the whole bird fiasco.

I make no secret of the fact that I don't hold a very special place in my heart for winged creatures. But, it was like day four or five ( I wasn't myself :~) )....I was on the beach, soaking up the rare appearance of sun, reading, and all of a sudden I hear this frantic flapping noise. I look around and see this bird hanging upside down with his leg caught in fishing string that someone had left on the beach. He was flapping and flapping, desperate to try to loosen himself from the strings hold....but unsuccessful.

Crap. I hate birds. Does no one else see him? Will no one else help him?

Dang. No matter how much I don't particularly like birds...I can't leave him there...all helpless and dangling. Plus...I'm a mom darn it! I will NOT sit by when something needs me! So I sprang into action! I ran up to the people on the beach and asked if they had anything to cut loose that poor bird (here come those crazy looks again)...and no one did...or would admit they did so that I wouldn't linger too close for too long. I spot a fisherman far off on one of the docks and start running to him. I tell him what it's all about and he pulls out some cutting device thingy and wishes me luck. I run back (secretly hoping the bird is still there so I can help him-sad, I know) and sure enough, he's there, still dangling.

I have the attention of the other loungers on the beach at this point, staring and gawking as I jump into the sand and dash to the poor helpless victim of litter.

I get as close as possible to the bird. Well as close as I felt comfortable without fearing he would stab me with his beak....cut that fishing line and watched him fly to freedom! Oh yes I did!


Followed by a few short "yeah, you did it!" from my starers and gawkers.

It was a proud moment.

 (the fishing line and the boat lift that he dangled from)

Anyways.

When I wasn't busy risking my limbs from beak stabbings in order to save distressed birds...(and talking to cats)...my days were fairly uneventful. Well, except for that whole tornado thing. That was eventful, and I was probably a little too excited to hunker down in the "tunnel" with the rest of the resort folk to escape impending doom, but I just couldn't help be a tad bit gitty with my close proximity to people! When the weather had cleared and the tornadoes had fizzled back up to the clouds they opened the doors so we could go back to our rooms....I was like, "Are you sure we can't stay down here a little longer, what's the rush, sit, stay, talk to me, I'm not weird I promise!"

So, aside from the animal and tornado stuff...it was very peaceful.

I had plenty of time to photograph, just for me, my style...

It felt like the old days trekking across the great state of California with a slew of other photographers in tow, photographing from sun up till way past sun down. I loved those days. And it kinda felt like that again...accept without the slew of other photographers with me part. But still great! If only I had remembered to bring my tripod.....

I sat here, a lot. Reading. Watching the water. Trying to make myself less white (didn't have much success on that last one...darn Nebraska winters.)

I went for long drives with the radio blasting looking for wind farms...because I have a deep love for wind turbines. There's just somethin' about them that makes me bubble over with delight. And lucky for me I was completely surrounded by them. :~)

Through all of this though.....

......I kept waiting for that moment.

That one moment where I would have this amazing "come to Jesus, angels singin' in the sky, Hallelujah shoutin' ".....moment.

A monumental thought.

A life changing spiritual breakthrough.

I kept waiting. Praying. Thinking. Praying some more. Not wanting to waste this week of solitude. Wanting to leave different...and better than when I came.

And then finally, my week was over.

And there were no angels shoutin' Hallelujah in the sky.
No monumental thought.
No earth shattering spiritual breakthrough.

Instead, however, there were sweet encouragements.
Soft whispers of His great love. 
And subtle reminders of all those little things I needed reminding of.

Subtle reminders about the importance of community. And togetherness. The reminder that we're not suppose to do life alone. 

All week long I carried this deep ache for company. Well shoot, contact at all. I felt starved of it. Thirsty. Being so alone felt....unnatural. Because it is....

"By instinct, we humans want someone by our side in the hospital the night before surgery, in the nursing home as death looms near, in any great moment of crisis. We need the reassuring touch of human presence-solitary confinement is the worst punishment our species has devised." -Philip Yancey, The Jesus I Never Knew

That's what it felt like. Solitary confinement. That's exactly what it was. And I was filled with the greatest sense of loneliness I had ever felt. Even with the Lord's presence as my portion and my cup, I just couldn't seem to shake my ache for human presence. It was unsettling. A feeling that I was very unfamiliar with.

"Even Jesus never tried to hide his loneliness and dependence on other people. He chose His disciples not as servants, but as friends....and that night in Gethsemane, 'He began to be sorrowful and trouble,' says Matthew. He felt 'deeply distressed,' adds Mark. Both writers record his plaintive words to the disciples: 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.' Often Jesus had gone off by himself to pray sometimes sending the disciples away in a boat so he could spend the night alone with the Father. This night, though, he needed their presence....I detect in the Gospel's account of Gethsemane a profound depth of loneliness that Jesus had never before encountered." -Philip Yancey: The Jesus I Never Knew

There's just something about the way God created us that is meant to be in the presence of other people. God's original design for humanity never involved solitude....


"The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.' " 

Adam lived in the presence of God Himself and the rest of creation. And still, still, God recognized that Adam needed someone like him. No matter how perfect the original design, Adam would never be able to fully relate to God. You just can't. We will never be equal. As humans created by an uncreated God we can not ever fathom the extent of God's godliness. Because we ourselves are created...we can't fully comprehend how something can be uncreated. Yet God is. This aspect, in addition to the multitude of other things that sets God apart from us...in His great mercy He created a counterpart that was equal to Adam. God made for him a helper. Someone to walk with and talk to. Someone to work alongside. Someone to share the joys of life...and the eventual sorrows.

We were not created to go through life alone. "We aren't suppose to run up those hills by ourselves." ; )

And when God Himself stepped into humanity...He played by the rules. And not even He would escape this absoluteness.

I think it's easy to say, "I just want to be left alone" when times get hard and frustrating. When the whining of children is grating on my last nerve....it's too easy to say, "I just wish I could go somewhere and be alone and not be needed by anyone for just a little while!" We seek aloneness thinking it's more desirable than being in the company of others. Not that there's anything wrong with enjoying quiet moments and having personal time ( I still need that-everyday!)...but I think when that aloneness is preferred as a means of a cop out....to slink away from hard moments, convicting behavior, as a means of shutting the world away...that is not what God intended for us.

"So many times we try to experience God in these quiet places among nature-which is fine-but think about what scripture teaches....'When you go out making disciples I'll be with you. When you feed the least of these it's like you're feeding Me.' We think we have to find God by getting away from everyone, but it could be God's spirit is saying, 'find Me by going and ministering to other people!' "-Francis Chan- Forgotten God video


Find Me by engaging in community. By seeking to build relationships. By loving the lost. By being vulnerable with a friend. By letting people in. By calling a family member who hurt you. By checking on a neighbor.

By not going through life alone. 

So yeah, subtle reminders. Simple truths respoken. Sweet quiet moments where I could feel God taking inventory of my heart, pointing out areas that need to be refined...and starting to tweak them more to His image-in my marriage, in my parenting, in my friendships, in just who He has called me to be.

It was a nice tuneup. A much needed tune-up.

And it was a more than nice time away.

I didn't like the idea of leaving at first, but now I am oh so grateful to have had that time. To be given that opportunity. To even have had the opportunity.....my blessings are immense.

And He is oh so good. :~)

Just call me "Radioactive Girl!"

That will be my new superhero name thank you very much (bestowed on me by the greatest friends.)

Luckily for me I've already got the superhero powers to go with it.... :~)

So today is day 1 on being ostracized from society. Well, kinda day two but day one didn't count because I was driving and super tired...so I'm counting this as real day one.

According to the doctor that talked to me for nearly 30 minutes before receiving my treatment...this is completely unnecessary.

She looked at me like I was a crazy when I told her I'd be traveling out of town for seven days.


"You don't need to do that!" she said with the most perplexed look on her face.


"I DON'T?!" I asked thinking maybe perhaps these precautions weren't necessary,

"No! You just need to maintain 3 to 6 feet contact with your children and all others at all times, don't sleep in the same bed as your husband, don't share the same bathroom, make sure to flush three times, don't kiss your kids, make sure to wipe everything down that you touch, wash your hands with soap and water every time you touch your body, seal up any eaten leftovers and promptly dispose of them outside, promptly clean any dishes you use....and you'll be fine!" (in addition to the rest of the things I have to do).

And now I looked at her like she was the crazy.


"Oh....that's all. Yeah, I think I'm still gonna leave."

So here I am.

Here I am.

She told me a list of possible side effects I could expect to have...inflamed thyroid, soar throat, racing heart, profuse sweating, clogged salivary glands, nausea, but so far...nada. I don't feel a lick of difference. Which kinda freaks me out...I think I'd rather feel some kind of effects from this radiation because then I could feel better thinking that it was actually working. But I feel nothing. Which makes me worried that it's not. I really don't want to do this again.

And since I don't feel any negative side effects (which I was praying that I wouldn't but still expecting that I would...I don't know how that even makes sense....) it's easy for me to forget...because I don't have any physical reminders reminding me that I need to keep my distance. So I went to HyVee last night and was leisurely walking around and then abruptly remembered...."keep your distance, not too close". So, I'm grateful, actually to be here. It would be too easy to relax and not maintain boundaries at home. Too easy to get distracted and forget to sanitize, or not to hug or carry or cuddle.

So I'm here.

And I am filled with an overwhelming feeling of humility.

So many friends bestowed gifts upon me for my time here....books out the wazoo, a 1000 piece puzzle, magazines,  DVD's, items for pampering, flowers, loads of phone calls, and more to come. (not even mentioning all the friends who are pitching in back at home with dinner for Isaak and the girls!)

To say that I am grateful doesn't come close to describing my gratefulness.

I am humbled by the love and generosity of others.

And by the Lord.

All the little ways He's used my friends to pour His love on me during this time. That's what we're here for isn't it? To be a tool to show and share God's love to others.

I was talking to a friend a little while ago about how I had never seen "Phantom of the Opera". She mentioned what a good movie it was so a few days later I looked for it on Netflix to watch before I left. But, it wasn't available. So, I kinda put the thought away...after all, it was only a movie. And Thursday when Liz dropped off some bags of goodies, low and behold...peaking out of the bag Beccy lent me was "Phantom of the Opera." I nearly peed I was so excited! And then Kristine dropped by earlier and brought me "An Echo in the Darkness" which I had been waiting to read....and just two...very specific wants I had...that the Lord granted me.

A book and a movie.

Seems trivial in the grand scheme of things.

But...in the grand scheme of things....that's why it's not trivial.

Because God is meticulously detailed. He cares about every little aspect of our lives. Every one. And He loves me so much that He will even bless me with a book I've been waiting to read and I movie I've been wanting to watch. He will show me He loves me in special quirky unexpected ways. Ways that are uniquely costumed to who I am and who He created me to be.

It was an extra. Books and movies are extra. And God delights in extras. God delights in surprising us. And blessing us with what may seem trivial to someone on the outside...but to you...you know how personal and special that extra blessing was. He delights in granting us the desires of our heart...even a silly desire of watching "Phantom of the Opera" when I'm all alone and have the t.v. to myself for seven days.


So yeah...to say I'm grateful is a drastic understatement.

And excited to see what God does with this old heart of a mine the rest of the days I'm here....

(today I put a dent in "The Power of a Praying Wife" and oye...He's already started on this here heart.)

Sisterly love.

 

"Is solace anywhere more comforting than in the arms of a sister."  ~Alice Walker

Fighting

Today was rough.

Today was the first day since I started this medically required diet that I've really had a bad day. I've just been feeling sickly hungry all day. Tired. The tired thing has part to do with my heart medicine...and part to do with not enough calories.

I was all "gung ho!" and pumped up at the beginning...ready to tackle this diet, no complaints outta my mouth.....

and then I hit today.

And I'm fighting the whole "no complaints outta my mouth" thing.

Every time I look at food I get mad. Sick and tired of eating the same thing for the past 11 days. Nothing sounds good. I don't want to look at another piece of homemade bread, oil, watermelon, plain durham wheat spaghetti noodles, or Kashi organic cinnamen wheat square cereal things. There is only so much of the same thing I can eat for every meal before I just can't eat it anymore.

And there I go complaining again.

I'm hungry. And don't wanna be.
I'm tired and groggy from being hungry. And don't wanna be.
I'm weak. And don't wanna be.

I want this all to be over, right now. I want to be "me" again....whoever that was before all this started. The girl who had energy, and motivation, and didn't have to take heart medicine three times a day, or worry about things like iodine and thyroids and radiation.

A lady asked me this weekend if I was radioactive. Really, she did. Because she heard I was on a low iodine diet. Really? When did I become a girl who got asked if she was radioactive...

Why'd my life have to go and get all complicated.

I don't want to deal with this. Today...it just all kinda came crashing down...hence this ultra pathetic "whoa is me" self pity attitude. I hate feeling like this. More than I hate feeling hungry, or tired or groggy....I hate feeling disheartened, and weak.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Cor. 12:9-11

To delight and boast about my weakened state and current difficulties is a hard one tonight. But I know that God is bigger than my bad attitude. So this is my prayer tonight...because if anyone can turn my self pitying whoa is me sad sob into something to be glad about...HE can.

Oh yes He can.

Gladness and delight are on the way...(.sayin' it with faith cause I haven't seen them yet :~) ) He can He can....Oh YES.He.can......tomorrow is a new day.

Better get at it

T minus five days till I leave.

Five days?!

Oye.

Isaak has been asking me every day, "so, what ya gonna do while you're gone?" "Have you thought about what you're going to bring with you?"

"no."

and "no."

I haven't thought about it. At.all. Well, hardly. Every time I think about leaving I brush the thought away to be thought about later. :~)

But, as the thought came crashing down on me this morning that I only have five days left till I leave...well, I better get at it.

I better start putting a dent in that pile of laundry so I can have clothes to pack.
I better order some books I thought about ordering last week so they can be here before I leave.
I better get to the grocery store so Isaak and the girls can eat while I'm gone.
I better get to the grocery store so I can eat while I'm gone. :)
I better make Isaak a list of what to do with the girls all day, he's bound to need ideas.
I better get directions to figure out how to get to where I'm going.
I better get directions to the nearest hospital...just in case.

Ah...I better, I better, I better.....

I just better get at it. Or else Friday is going to be here and I'm gonna be standing in the middle of my bedroom floor with my Bambi caught in the headlights look because I am so not prepared to leave.

"Think of it as a retreat. Think of it as a retreat. Think of it as a retreat."

Thinking happy thoughts.....