The weirdest things happen to me.

Weird thing #1.

Yesterday I was at Fontennelle Forest with the girls and needed to take a quick pee pee break. I ushered both girls into the stall with me, quickly did my business, when all of a sudden

...blackness!

Total.blackness!

"HEY!?" I shouted hoping that someone turned the lights off from outside. (??) While hoping that no one was secretly hiding unannounced in the bathroom.

No one answered.

So it's pitch black in there, not even a back up light, or rays of light from the outside room coming in....just black, and I couldn't see jack!!

I'm sitting there, with my draws down around my ankles, the girls are in the handicap stall with me, somewhere, so I start searching for the toilet paper, which is suppose to be right next to me, but can't find it!

Where the heck did the toilet paper go?!

Shoot! Not cool! Not cool!

It's amazing how in such a small space, like a bathroom stall for instance, when the lights are off you suddenly can't find toilet paper that is suppose to be conveniently situated right next to you.

Finally, I find the huge toilet paper dispenser that is mounted to the wall but now I can't get any paper out because it's a fresh roll and all stuck together!

Oh man. It's pitch black in here! Can I get some help please?!! Not that I would really want anyone to help me because I looked totally ridiculous.

I just want the lights to turn back on!

I wiggle my britches back up, blindly search for the hook on the stall door to get us out of there, find it after a few moments, open the door and...

VIOLA!!

Lights on!

What the heck man?!? Now they come on??

Apparently the bathroom has motion sensored lights and after a few moments of inactivity they turn off to conserve power. But dude, in a bathroom?! For real!

That is the wrong place to be havin' the lights spontaneously, without warning, just turn off! Okay?!

Someone could get hurt...or fall in the toilet!

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Weird thing #2

We were all playing in the backyard, enjoying family time before dinner when Sydaleigh asked me to swing with her.

She loves to sit on my lap, facing me, as I swing us high into the sky.

So, we're swinging. Enjoying the breeze on our faces. "Weeeeeeing" ourselves up into the air...when all of a sudden, again....

WABAMMM!

Followed by "OUCH!"

Followed by tears.

A massive (at least 15 pounds, no joke) branch had snapped off the top of the tree and planted itself right on my forehead, then skid down my face! It would have knocked me off the swing if I hadn't had my arms wrapped around the ropes.

It took a second to realize what happened, and that I was in pain, until Isaak asked me if the branch landed on me to which I replied...

"YES IT LANDED ON ME!!!! IT LANDED ON MY FACE!!"

He came over and hugged me, as I started to cry, because that hurt really freakin' bad!

I now have a serious case of ugly goin' on. With a growing lump on my forehead, complete with scratches over the bump, scratches down my nose, and scratches on my cheek, filled in with some tree bark for an added bonus. :)

I look like I was mauled by an animal!

Eyeyeyey. Can a girl catch a break please?

(I am thankful that it didn't land on Sydaleigh. She was sitting in my lap and I have no clue how it missed her. Just glad I could take one for the team! I'd rather it be me than her...although I'd rather it not be any of us!)

And I'm leaving now.

Like I needed yet another reason to be on unfriendly terms with Walmart!
Yesterday I was in the checkout line-checking out, obviously.
I had the cart nestled right up next to the conveyor belt thingy while he bagged my groceries.
Sydaleigh stood up, and momentarily sat on the edge of the cart to make room while I put the bags inside.
As I'm grabbing the rest of my bags from around that turn table I look up to hear our super friendly cashier saying to Sydaleigh,
"excuse me, Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to sit down because you could fall backwards,
break your head open, and that.would.be.the.end.of.you."

PSSSHHH!!!!

EX.CUSE ME?!?

NUMBER 1- DON'T call my daughter Ma'am...she's FOUR!

NUMBER 2-DON'T talk to my daughter!

NUMBER 3-WHO THE HECK SAYS THAT?!?

In the mail.

Finally mailed in our last two background checks needed to finish our home study!
Ahhh, sweet relief!
Now I just need to write our profile.
I was really excited about getting to this part, but now I'm not so sure!
How do you adequately describe your family's personality, strengths, aspirations, our desire for adopting, why we would make suitable parents, and everything else....in two pages!?!
Two pages is all I get!
This is going to be tricky!

Sunday's journal entry

(okay, I decided yesterday that I'm going to pick one journal entry a week, the one that taught me, moved me, and inspired me the most... and post it on my blog. Why? Well, I guess I just feel compelled to keep keepin' it real.)

*As I first started writing I thought I was going to be writing about death. Not in a morbid kind of way, but it's something that I think about and for some reason couldn't shake just needing to get my thoughts down concerning it.

I think about death way more often now that I'm a Mom, than I ever did before I had kids. Isaak is very comfortable talking about it, always talking about 'what-if' scenarios involving who will take the kids, what to do with money, yada yada ya. It's never my favorite topic. Makes me rather uncomfortable actually. But why? It's not like I don't know where I'm going! I'm very confident that Heaven is real and I will be flying (ya never know, I might fly) through those golden gates (if there's gates) when I get there.

So what's the deal?!? If I'm being real, I'd have to honestly say that death scares me. Not because I don't know where I'm going, but because death in itself is such an unknown. There are so many variables...how? when? Will my children be okay when I'm gone? Will Isaak be okay when I'm gone? I don't know those things....and I am a person who likes to know things!

I like order, and routine, and schedules. I plan in advance. We just purchased our train tickets, and reserved our hotel for our trip to NYC 7 months from now, why? because I'm a planner. (and a bit of a freak too I guess). I keep our home run on a schedule, somedays it's a loose schedule, but hey, a schedule nonetheless. I like knowing what my day holds and what's coming next.

And yet with death....ya just don't know!

But despite the fact that I don't know when or where or how ....I'm more concerned with what will happen to my family, my children, when I'm not here anymore. I mean, I'm there Mom! I'm completely invested in their lives. And the thought of not being here, ever again, to talk them through their sadness, to console them, to guide them to acceptance-that is the hardest thought of all for me.

So, I guess it comes down to this...do I trust God to take care of my family, for me?

I'm still in the very young years of my childrens lives. I haven't had to say goodbye to them to school, or work, or parties, or dates, or marriage, or moving. Maybe this will get easier the older they get? Somehow I thinking no.

Because as Moms, we feel like it's OUR job to take care of everyone and everything. I mean, come on, we do! I know I do. Sometimes I have to pull in the reigns a little bit when I get out of hand, and I do get out of hand. :)

But, I'm there for every success, pain, tear, laughter. And when I'm not here, who's going to take care of them like I do? I know that I trust God with my life, but am I willing to surrender my "God-complex" with my kids lives and let God take care of them?

I know I'm not God. (doesn't mean I don't get a 'complex' now and again :~) ) Being a parent has made me ever so aware of my short comings and imperfections. But deep down...well, maybe not all that deep down, a part of me has never really fully surrendered my children to Him. Because like I said...I'm the Mom! I'm their whole world right now. They look up to me. Idolize me almost. How could God fill that role? How can God be their Mom?

As I sit here, crying, asking these heinous questions...if feel so.....(all other words fail me except) stupid. Or how about hypocritical. Or embarrassed. I've known first hand that God is big enough to be EVERYTHING to me! He has been my husband, father, mother, brother, sister I never had, friend, cheerleader, coach, mentor, teacher, you name it! I'm talkin' EV.ERY.THING!

Why do I have such a hard time believing that He can be all that to my children?!!

Even if I do live a long life-they will still need Him to be all those things while I'm alive. Dying makes no difference. I need to stop worrying about what's going to happen to them when I die, because they need Him just as much while I'm here, alive and kickin'!

I also need to stop thinking of myself as 'first' in their lives. I need to move over. And not just once. Because Lord knows I have a bad memory and come tomorrow I'll be trying to weasel my way back up to the top of the totem pole. If I move over it will give God more of a chance to manifest His prescence in them.

I can't be their everything, even though they expect me to be. I need to help guide my children closer to God so they can see that HE is their everything. Not Mommy.

Mommy can't be everything to you.
God can be everything to you, and He's the one you should expect it from.

It's my job to help them see this.

It's my job to help undo the expectations they have naturally placed on me, and put them back on God.

I can't always take care of them...God can.

I won't always be there for them...God will.

Mommy's not perfect....God is.

Mommy makes mistakes...God doesn't.

Mommy does and will always love you...but God will love you more.

My voice and instruction are important and certainly have there place in my kids lives, but it's not to come before God's. They are not going to be here forever. A day is going to come when they will be out of the safety, protection, and supervision of our home. And in the times that they are facing the world, and I can't be there....will they know to turn to God? Have I equipped my children to cry out to Him for help? Have I equipped my children to sing His praises, in victory and in pain?

I want to raise children who rely on God more than they rely on me. Because He trumps Mommy. He's that good. All the time.

Does anybody hear me?

Some things I say EVERY day....

You're not the most important person in this house.
There are other people in this family besides you.
Stop interrupting me.
Stop yelling.
Use your talking voice even when you're mad.
Follow directions.
Stop throwing a temper-tantrum.
This is not appropriate behavior.
Use good manners.
Try again.
Say it without whining.
Try again.
Use your big girl voice.
Try again.
Say 'no thank you' if you don't like something.
Say please.
Be careful.
Girls, be nice.
Knock it off.
Use kind words.
Say your sorry.
Say I forgive you.

And, repeat over and over and over and over and over...and so on. I say this stuff so much I get sick of hearing myself saying it. I'm praying that one day this endless redundancy will have a positive effect, because I really don't want to be telling them this as adults.

I'm too young for this, or so I thought

Me and Sydaleigh were sitting together on the couch yesterday when she looked at my hands and said very enthusiastically....

"HEY! Momma, your fingers look like mine do when I'm in the bath!"

Oh...

Hmmm...

Thank you, that was nice to hear.

I take my hand back, examine my 'pruney wrinkled' fingers, and think,

"Four year olds sure are honest! Geesh!"

I can always count on my kids to keep me humble. :~)

Making progress

Typically, whenever Marvelly doesn't like something she's eating she will simply spit it out.
Whether that be on the table,
the floor,
the couch,
a friends table, floor or couch,
doesn't matter to her.
And it's hard telling when she's gonna do it too, because she really likes food.
So, before I know it, she'll be eatin' a spoon of something and then I'll look up and she's be going,
"puah, puah, puah"
and the food will be everywhere.
But! tonight she was eating a mini snickers and came in the office and said,
"yucky candy, yucky candy",
as she was simultaneously talking with little bits of chewed up peanuts in her mouth.
She randomly decided after eating a good many snickers that she didn't like the peanuts anymore, like I said, ya just never know with this kid.
But, rather than spit them out all over the floor, which I would have been picking out of the carpet, she spit them out in the sink.
She saved her chewed up peanuts to spit them out in the sink!
Bless her little heart!
Ahh, it's the small things in parenting I tell ya.
My little girl is growing up!

Easter weekend

(whoopsie, I meant to post this 14 days ago! Well, Happy Easter again!)

Easter.
It's truly my favorite day of the year.
I love the reason we celebrate.
I love going to church and looking around at the congregation.
I love watching everyone worship and give praise to our risen King.
I love celebrating with everyone the magnitude of His sacrifice.
It's overwhelming.
It always leaves me in tears.

This year was the first year since we've been in Omaha that we haven't gathered together among familiar friends and potlucked it up. This year we decided to stay home and invite a bunch of single people over from Isaak's work. We were busting at the seams in our little home but somehow there was room for everyone. The kids had a ball 'finding' Easter eggs in the back yard.

Isaak had a great time connecting on a more personal level with some guys from work.


And even among the busyness I was able to steal some quiet moments to reflect and take in the grandeur of the day.

We also made Easter egg rice krispie treats, that turned out, well, loaded with sprinkles and covered in chocolate that Marvelly pre-tasted.


took Marvelly to the Easter egg hunt at the base lake (while Sydaleigh went to figure skating lessons)


delivered cupcake plates for our neighbors with a cute little Easter card


dyed eggs, which was a first for the girls.


and then hunted for their hidden baskets Easter morning





These are the girls new dresses. And all I have to say is thank goodness they have a Daddy because if it was up to me they would have worn their Christmas dresses but Isaak was insistent of new, puffy, beautiful ones. I remember being in the store (yes Target) and hearing Isaak down the aisle going, "Sydaleigh, which one do you like, this one, or this one. Marvelly, which one do you like, this one, or this one." (He held up every.single.dress in the store asking them this).
Gotta love a daddy who loves to buy pretty things. :)

The Case of the Mysteriously Washed Toilet Paper

How did we not notice washing a whole roll of toilet paper?
How did it get in the washer?
How did it get transferred unnoticed to the dryer?
Who put it in there????
It's a mystery....that I'm thinking leads to Marvelly........



Washed and dried toilet paper really has a way of sticking to freshly cleaned laundry. We were pulling this stuff out of our clothes for a while, among other places. Isaak came home from work yesterday and discovered a wad of toilet paper stuck inside his belly button because it had been stuck inside his shirt. But all I could think was, "never mind not noticing the toilet paper stuck to the inside of your clothes....how do you NOT notice toilet paper stuck to the inside of your belly button?!?!"

Birthday Ball '10

This years 55th Wing Birthday Ball went off with out a glitch. :)

The girls helped me get ready. They waited ever so patiently in the bathroom watching me do my hair and put on make-up, until the time finally came for them to help me with my dress and shoes. ( Sydaleigh was very worried that I was taking too long in the bathroom and I wouldn't have time to get dressed. She didn't even want to go outside to kill time while I finished up, thinking I was going to get dressed without her. ) Her mind was swirling with delight thinking about her mommy and daddy going to a real ball, just like her princesses. And so I made sure to let her be a part of it in any way that I could. And she was thrilled thinking that I needed her help to get dressed and put my shoes on. :) Ahh, the simple delights of a child.

We sat at a great table, had fun mingling and shmoozing, laughing, eating, everything but dancing. (The event lagged on longer than expected and we had to head home to re-leave the sitter, so no dancing.) But everything else. Isaak had fun this year because so many from his clinic attended. It was a fun night. Nothing major to report, no catastrophes or malfunctions of any kind. Completely uneventful, which I appreciated. :)



Uh-oh! Where'd I go?! Why did I stand in front of the black curtain to take pictures?! My dress blends in completely!





To a great year!

Tech Sergeant Brooks

Isaak was promoted! Whoop woop!

After waiting a year from finding out he made Tech, he was finally able to sew on officially April 1st. We're so proud! This has been a long time coming and Isaak couldn't be happier.

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Somehow Isaak convinced me to bring the girls to his promotion ceremony at the club. I must have split personalities because I actually agreed to take them, thinking it wouldn't be too bad.

Lesson learned. :)

(Here they are eating the suckers I brought that I was sure would last them the majority of the ceremony. Wrong. They chowed those suckers down before the opening prayer. )

In true Marvelly fashion she talked through the whole ceremony....loudly.

She made sure to tell me during the opening prayer (which was very long) that she didn't approve of the crackers I was trying to forcefully give her to keep her quiet,

"NOOOOO!! Not that one!" she said over and over and over again....making sure to disturb anyone who was hoping to have a quiet moment with God.

She then proceeded to tell me, as well as the rest of the audience, in her not whisper voice, the number of 'daddy's' up in the front,

"LOOK MOMMY, FREE DADDIES!!", over and over and over again.

The more I told her to whisper, the louder and louder she talked. Of course.

I tried to downplay the noise level thinking she wasn't being as loud as I was envisioning, maybe it was just my overly sensitive mommy ears, so after the ceremony I asked Isaak,

"So, honey, did you happen to hear Marvelly during the ceremony?"

"Which time, when she was talking about the crackers or counting the daddies?"

Ugh. Seriously, every other kid in that place was quiet as a mouse!

Why do my girls always have to be the noisy ones!

Even Sydaleigh, my four year old.....the one that knows how to sit quietly was momentarily possessed because she uncharacteristically kept blurping out,

"MOMMY, I NEED SOME WATER", over and over and over again...."ahhh, be quiet!!!!"

As soon as Isaak's name was called, we went up front, took our picture, and got the heck out of there!

I hope they remember seeing daddy promoted and going to a military function cause that will be the last one they see for a long time!

I love that Daddy is always Daddy, regardless of the uniform he wears. They'll cling to his legs and plead to be picked up, no matter what. He'll always be there Daddy first. :)

getting ready

for the birthday ball tonight!

I'm hoping that this year a lot more uneventful in the wardrobe department.

Due to last years mishap this years dress doesn't have a single zipper, button, clip, zilch, nothing! It's all material, that's it!

Can't wait to get away for a while tonight, the girls have really taken it out of me today.

Will try to post pics and all the evening's details tomorrow. :)

Portrait Project at the new Lydia House

Last Saturday I did my first Portrait Project in the newly finished Lydia House, and it was amazing. The facility was spectacular, down to every last thought out detail. It was a little bit different than working in the old Open Door Mission building, this time we actually had to carry everything in ourselves! Don't get me wrong, I do not mind carrying my own equipment, that's not it! I just remember pulling up to the mission and watching the men rush out to the cars, eagerly awaiting to help unload and be of any service that they could. They never waited to be asked if they would help...they just helped, and they did it joyfully. It was very cool.

So this time, like I said...it was a little bit different. New building, new director, (I'm no longer working with Ronda since another gal took over the graduation program,) a new face in the hair department. The lovely Maggie, a professional hair dresser came with us this time and lent her hand to style up the graduates. Holly is no longer here so I was a gal down in the make-up department. But, turns out Liz just so happens to know a MaryKay consultant from Mops who donated a massive box of products for us to use. She was actually getting ready to drop off the box to the Lydia House when Liz called her, and was more than happy to donate to our cause. So in addition to providing make-up again we were able to put together little goody bags of product for the women to take home. I love seeing God provide!

But, despite all that newness....something else was different this time.
Something bigger.
Something I didn't anticipate happening.
Among the chaos and excitement of the day, working in a new location, working with new people....I did not photograph all new faces.
There were a couple among us that weren't new...and I almost missed it.

Every night before a portrait project I pray that the Lord would provide opportunities for me to connect with the men and women, to use me to uplift them, bless them, love on them, and share His love. I pray that I wouldn't get caught up in the chaos of the day, but that the Lord would give me His eyes, to see these men and women the way He sees them. So.....

The day started off hectic, as it typically does-trying to hurry and set up my equipment before everyone starts arriving. This time around I bought a new paper roll rather than use a muslin backdrop. I didn't want the hassle and time restraint of having to steam all the wrinkles out during setup, which takes forever, plus I just wanted to change up the look a little, so I went with a paper roll. But nothing is without complications and the backdrop, while seemingly more convenient without the ironing, the darn thing kept unraveling before I could clamp it. So, set up took a little bit longer than I anticipated and the graduates started filing in...early. Which meant I was already behind, and the day hadn't even started....

A number of the graduates had already come prepared and didn't take major use of the hair and make-up department this time around, so the lounge where I was set up was getting crowded with people waiting their turn. However, everyone was very gracious and laid back, not upset about starting late and waiting past their time. So I was able to crank out the first four graduates quickly and get back on schedule.

But, I was now in a zone. I allowed myself to get sucked into the chaos, and I was losing focus.

That's when the fifth graduate of the day stepped up. He was an African American man, tall, glasses, and wearing an outfit that complimented the background nicely. That's what I saw.

I started photographing him and was about ten frames into his session when I heard,

"Look at him."

At that moment I was looking at him through the viewfinder on my camera getting ready to take the next shot...I paused...."What?" I am looking at him" I thought back.

"No, look at him...not through him."

*exhale*......"Oh"

In the second that followed with the camera still up to my eyes, I finally looked at him. Stunned by what I saw I brought the camera down, looked at him face to face and said,

"hey, I know you."

"I've photographed you before."

When I finally looked at him I realized I recognized him from the very first session I held at the Open Door Mission a year ago. He was back. And I almost missed him.

He could see the perplexed look on my face, wondering why he was here again, and told me that he went back to jail and had to start all over.

*Gulp*

I was not expecting that. I've always gone into this thinking that this was it for them. This was their 'turning of the page', their new start, a chance at a new life leaving behind what brought them here. I don't know where this notion came from but in my ignorance I never once thought that I'd be photographing them again.

Charles wasn't the only "returning" graduate I photographed that day. I didn't realize until I got home and started sorting through the pictures that there was something familiar about another. She looked completely different. She had two kids with her this time. I never would have recognized her if it hadn't been for these little tattoos she has on her fingers. As I looked at her pictures and noticed those tattoos I thought,

"I've seen those before."

I looked back through the pictures from previous sessions and there they were, the same tattoos on the fingers of a girl I also photographed that first time with Charles a year ago. I was stunned. I couldn't believe it was the same girl. A year ago she was lively, energetic, warm, and more than anything else, confident...and proud. This time...she was reserved, quiet, and a lot more self conscious. Not having recognized her at the time I didn't have the opportunity to talk to her and find out why she was back. All I know is that she was back. Repeating the recovery program. And that made my heart hurt.

The rest of the day was amazing. God pulled the shades up off my eyes that I didn't know I had down. He provided opportunities to uplift, connect, bless...we laughed, and talked and joked. And He provided some serious insight into their lives that I was missing before. Realizing that, for some, it is not so easy to cut ties with their past. It still haunts them. It still taunts them. For some, their past doesn't care about the program they went through. Their past wants to destroy their recovery. It doesn't care that they've been clean and sober. The past fights with them to resurface. Their past wants to drag them back under.

For some, this isn't always a new beginning.

For many, this is a lifelong battle.

Their stories that led them here are heartbreaking. But the stories that are helping lead them OUT are hopeful. God fused. Determined. Many may waver...but at least they come back. They keep trying. They refuse to let their past circumstances win. They fight. And with God's help they.can.do it. We all can.

Meet two of the graduates I photographed....

This is Donald-I met him last September at the mission and I told him when he came back as a graduate not to shave his beard, I think it suits him nicely. He told me he didn't have anything else to wear to his session...and I told him that what he had on was great. Because it's him. And I thought it suited him nicely. We got to talk to him for a long time. He has been sober for one year...his longest time since the 1980's. In spite of everything he's endured, this man was so joyful, I mean, oozing joy, and I count it as a blessing to have been able to spend time in his company.

This is Clarence. Can you guess how old he is? Just take a gander before you scroll down and see.

Clarence is 54 years old. I know, I was stunned, I couldn't believe it either! Anyways, Clarence was awesome. I don't have tons to tell about him, I didn't get his life story or even what brought him to the ODM. We just shot the breeze. We mainly just talked about family, his family. He has a daughter named Paris who is studying to be a surgeon right now and that man is one proud papa, I pray she's proud of him too.

you can visit my photo blog at www.mjsphotoshoppe.com to see more pictures from this event.

A big THANK YOU to Kara, Liz, Amy and Maggie for volunteering your time and talents and working along side me!

Side ponies are never out of style

we totally rock the side pony in this house.