Sunday's journal entry

(okay, I decided yesterday that I'm going to pick one journal entry a week, the one that taught me, moved me, and inspired me the most... and post it on my blog. Why? Well, I guess I just feel compelled to keep keepin' it real.)

*As I first started writing I thought I was going to be writing about death. Not in a morbid kind of way, but it's something that I think about and for some reason couldn't shake just needing to get my thoughts down concerning it.

I think about death way more often now that I'm a Mom, than I ever did before I had kids. Isaak is very comfortable talking about it, always talking about 'what-if' scenarios involving who will take the kids, what to do with money, yada yada ya. It's never my favorite topic. Makes me rather uncomfortable actually. But why? It's not like I don't know where I'm going! I'm very confident that Heaven is real and I will be flying (ya never know, I might fly) through those golden gates (if there's gates) when I get there.

So what's the deal?!? If I'm being real, I'd have to honestly say that death scares me. Not because I don't know where I'm going, but because death in itself is such an unknown. There are so many variables...how? when? Will my children be okay when I'm gone? Will Isaak be okay when I'm gone? I don't know those things....and I am a person who likes to know things!

I like order, and routine, and schedules. I plan in advance. We just purchased our train tickets, and reserved our hotel for our trip to NYC 7 months from now, why? because I'm a planner. (and a bit of a freak too I guess). I keep our home run on a schedule, somedays it's a loose schedule, but hey, a schedule nonetheless. I like knowing what my day holds and what's coming next.

And yet with death....ya just don't know!

But despite the fact that I don't know when or where or how ....I'm more concerned with what will happen to my family, my children, when I'm not here anymore. I mean, I'm there Mom! I'm completely invested in their lives. And the thought of not being here, ever again, to talk them through their sadness, to console them, to guide them to acceptance-that is the hardest thought of all for me.

So, I guess it comes down to this...do I trust God to take care of my family, for me?

I'm still in the very young years of my childrens lives. I haven't had to say goodbye to them to school, or work, or parties, or dates, or marriage, or moving. Maybe this will get easier the older they get? Somehow I thinking no.

Because as Moms, we feel like it's OUR job to take care of everyone and everything. I mean, come on, we do! I know I do. Sometimes I have to pull in the reigns a little bit when I get out of hand, and I do get out of hand. :)

But, I'm there for every success, pain, tear, laughter. And when I'm not here, who's going to take care of them like I do? I know that I trust God with my life, but am I willing to surrender my "God-complex" with my kids lives and let God take care of them?

I know I'm not God. (doesn't mean I don't get a 'complex' now and again :~) ) Being a parent has made me ever so aware of my short comings and imperfections. But deep down...well, maybe not all that deep down, a part of me has never really fully surrendered my children to Him. Because like I said...I'm the Mom! I'm their whole world right now. They look up to me. Idolize me almost. How could God fill that role? How can God be their Mom?

As I sit here, crying, asking these heinous questions...if feel so.....(all other words fail me except) stupid. Or how about hypocritical. Or embarrassed. I've known first hand that God is big enough to be EVERYTHING to me! He has been my husband, father, mother, brother, sister I never had, friend, cheerleader, coach, mentor, teacher, you name it! I'm talkin' EV.ERY.THING!

Why do I have such a hard time believing that He can be all that to my children?!!

Even if I do live a long life-they will still need Him to be all those things while I'm alive. Dying makes no difference. I need to stop worrying about what's going to happen to them when I die, because they need Him just as much while I'm here, alive and kickin'!

I also need to stop thinking of myself as 'first' in their lives. I need to move over. And not just once. Because Lord knows I have a bad memory and come tomorrow I'll be trying to weasel my way back up to the top of the totem pole. If I move over it will give God more of a chance to manifest His prescence in them.

I can't be their everything, even though they expect me to be. I need to help guide my children closer to God so they can see that HE is their everything. Not Mommy.

Mommy can't be everything to you.
God can be everything to you, and He's the one you should expect it from.

It's my job to help them see this.

It's my job to help undo the expectations they have naturally placed on me, and put them back on God.

I can't always take care of them...God can.

I won't always be there for them...God will.

Mommy's not perfect....God is.

Mommy makes mistakes...God doesn't.

Mommy does and will always love you...but God will love you more.

My voice and instruction are important and certainly have there place in my kids lives, but it's not to come before God's. They are not going to be here forever. A day is going to come when they will be out of the safety, protection, and supervision of our home. And in the times that they are facing the world, and I can't be there....will they know to turn to God? Have I equipped my children to cry out to Him for help? Have I equipped my children to sing His praises, in victory and in pain?

I want to raise children who rely on God more than they rely on me. Because He trumps Mommy. He's that good. All the time.