the 'V' appointment

I'm not sure how I feel about this. My heart and head are all messed up and contradicting each other and it's driving me mad.

What I do know.

I am at peace having had two biological children. I have surrendered the notion of being pregnant again. I am at peace adopting from here on out.

So why is this so hard?......

.....Because This would make it final.

This, this, is making me second guess every thing I've heard the Lord affirm with me and Isaak these last 18 months.

I know what the Lord has been speaking to me. I know that when I internally made the decision to move forward with adoption that I also surrendered to the Lord my desires to be pregnant again.

But this appointment today is making me doubt.

It's hard to explain, maybe doubt isn't the best word, maybe it is, my mind is all jumbled up right now. Me and Isaak are both at peace with adopting from now on. But, just the sheer idea that we would be permanently hindering our ability to ever have kids again, scares me.

What if no body picks us? What if we get orders before the adoption is finalized? What if....what if what if what if.....

do I hold out for plan B? When I know God so clearly called us to His plan A?

Do I keep plan B on the back burner, even though I know God called us to surrender that?

This would make it final. There would be no going back at this point. No changing our minds five, ten years down the road. Not that I would even want to! Errrr! This is maddening.

It's just the simple act that this takes the final, little tiny bit of disillusioned power I feel we have left over in this area, and fully surrendering it to God, giving Him complete and total control to add to our family at His will, not my own.

Literally terrifies me. I can barely see the keyboard I'm crying so hard. I didn't see this coming. It came on so fast, the consult, and scheduled appointment. Isaak being completely at peace about the procedure and the aftermath.

It's just me. Me and my scaredness and desire to hold on to this little bit of power I think I still have. Stupid. And not from God. God is not the author of fear or anxiety. God is the author of peace. And now I feel I have to surrender myself and all this all over again. I didn't even realize I was holding onto this. I didn't realize it, until something came along, something like this procedure, that threatened to take it away. Take away the power I didn't realize I was still clinging to.

My hand buried deep in my pocket, clutched around the power, hidden, almost from myself, but not for a second from God.

I can feel Him trying to gently take my forearm, pull it out of my pocket, unloosened my fingers, release my grasp, and let my control fall like a million pieces of dust to the ground. So that I can never be able to find it all to pick it up again.

Lord.help.me. Just help me today. Help me not to fight You on this. Replace my fears with peace.

just help me......