Still sorting all this 'V' stuff out

Dramatic? Yes, I can be.
Over analytical? why, yes, I am that too.
I am lots of things. Thanks in part to the lovely genes that were passed down to me. :)

I think, a lot. I over think, a lot.
I'm always throwing ideas around, critically thinking over all sorts of things. Thinking over ten things at a time, when I wake up, when I'm eating, running, sleeping...it never stops.

I'm not very good at sharing my deep thoughts out loud. I tend to process through them myself, with some God help. Or, I journal them down in a book. Or type them out on my blog. But sharing them verbally with others....not a strong suit of mine. I do, of course, have my moments, where I need to decompress and spill and talk, but it doesn't always come easy. And it nevers comes before I've tried to hash it out within myself.

Friday I was good for nothin'. My mind was so jumbled up with racing thoughts I couldn't/didn't want to talk to anybody. The only thing I can/want to do in the times when I'm so emotionally conflicted...is go to the Friend that I don't have to explain anything to. Who knows every part of me before I utter a word. My best Friend who understands every inner working of me. Because He made me. And because He personally crafted me, He knows me better than I know myself.

And He granted me peace. Peace of mind to help hash out some thoughts. And Peace to be able to think out loud.

But, God didn't surround us with the amazing people in our lives to never share. To always hold everything in. He wants us to seek His help, support, encouragement, and peace through the people He strategically placed in and around our lives. So, I sought some advice from my mom. My mom, who's been there, and who was able to help put words to ideas that I'm having a hard time explaining.

Who can help me understand there is a difference between, "being at peace with.the.idea of never having children again....and the reality of never.being.able to have children again."

Ahhh, two totally different things.

And I don't think I would have been able to connect that difference without talking to her yesterday. It gave me some insight. Which then frustratingly led to more thoughts...and more thoughts...and so on....which then led me to this....

I'm going to have to face the reality of never being able to have children again someday....
someday, that day will come. Whether it be Wednesday, six months from now, five years from now, twenty years from now....I will have to make peace with that reality. I will.

Putting it off doesn't make it go away. But then again, is there a hurry? I still can't decide.

And, secondly....where do I find my identity? Is it in my ability to bear children? Not just have children, but bear children? Do I find my identity in being a mother?

Or, do I find my sole identity in who I am in Christ? Aside from all those things. Aside from all the generous blessings He's given me during my life?

I know the answer to that. :) But sometimes knowing the answer still doesn't make it easy to walk in.

I still don't know what to do. Which way to go. I can't decide whether to move forward, or stand still. A decision is failing me. Or, at least I think it is. Then again knowing me, I could be just over thinking this which is making me more confused! Ah!

But no matter what...if I decide to move forward, I don't want to be struck with remorse and resentment after it's done. If I decide to wait, I don't want to be haunted by this still lingering procedure until we do have it.

If I move, I need peace to move me there. If I stay, I need peace to keep me here.

And right now, I have neither.

And neither is not a peaceful place for me to be....