An assortment of thoughts on God and life

---I stood in front of my chair at church on Sunday during worship. I slowly raised my hands into the air, giving praise to my King, and that is when I noticed it. I shifted my attention to my right hand, a smile broke across my face, because for the first time in years I held my hands in the air without shaking.

For years, my hands have shook. And my legs when I drive. And my body in general does this constant vibrating thing because my heart beats so heavily. But I have been able to dismiss the shaking at most times, keeping my hands, legs, and rest of me busy so I don't have to notice. It's not severely noticeable, but subtle and relentless. I actually thought it was normal for a while...thinking everybody shook. Apparently not everybody does :~) .

But on Sunday, as I stood there with nothing to distract me. No way to dismiss the shaking or do something to keep from noticing it, as I stood there with my hands in the air, I was still.

Still for the first time in I don't even know how long. I forgot what it felt like to be still. To not move unless I wanted to. It was different, I gotta admit. You get so accustomed to your body moving without your permission ya just get used to it after a while. I moved my hand and fingers around, waiting for the trembling to start, but it never did. I offered up silent thanks to God. And even though the trembling has since returned it was nice to feel still for even a little while. It was nice to be able to praise God in thanksgiving over my body instead of crying out in frustration because of it.

I need to do that more.

Off up praise instead of complaints. Even though I know that God takes my complaints and cares and burdens, and He wants me to unload my struggles and frustrations on Him, and I know He never tires from hearing them because He is full of grace...but still...I don't want to be so quick to focus on the difficulties and frustrations. I want to be quicker to offer praise in place of complaints. I want to be quicker to find the joy instead of the sorrow.

Maybe one day this will actually start happening more consistently. :~)

---In other body related news...I don't really have a flippin' clue what's going on inside me. After the radiation treatment I felt pretty good for the first week. I only slightly noticed that I didn't swallow as smoothly as before...but it was so minute it was no biggie. And then seven days later my throat started feeling swollen. Right where my thyroid is. It felt like something was big and swollen and taking up too much room in my throat because it got a lot more uncomfortable to swallow and just "be". It's hard to describe. It lasted about seven days and finally subsided. I thought about calling my endo but seriously, what could she do? Give me a steroid maybe to help with the inflammation, but I didn't want to bother having to go in so I just dealt.

Sometimes that's all there is to do...deal with something. Live with it. No in a defeated kinda way. But recognizing that some things are outta my control, so there's no point in dwelling, and worrying and fretting over it. Like having an auto immune disease. It's never going to go away, I will live with this forever, and there is nothing I can do about it. The doctors can try to treat what it attacks the best they can...but, at the end of the day, I just have to deal with it. Surrender what I can't control to the Lord. And remember.....

I was already sick.

I was already broken.

I was already imperfect.

Having a disease doesn't make me broken...it's just a reminder that I already was. And still am. I had a disease before I ever had Grave's. And it's killing me more than any auto immune disorder will. The curse of sin will make darn sure I'm going to die. And while I may be slowly dying, luckily for me...death has lost it's sting. Because God made darn sure death didn't have the last word. Jesus conquered death with death and because of His great love I am free of death's hold. Yes, I'll still die, but death will not hold me. Christ will. Forever. Unseparated. *smile*

---In non body related news...a little over a month ago we had our home visit with our case worker as we renewed our case study. After we exchanged pleasantries we all sat down and he told me something I wasn't expecting to hear. He mentioned that the birth mother, of the child we were hoping to adopt two months ago, ended up changing her mind and deciding to parent the baby after all. After picking another family. After that family visited with the baby. After their kids thought they were getting a new sibling. After all the initial arrangements had been made. After all that...she changed her mind. And I couldn't help but feel a huge sense of gratitude and thankfulness that God answered our request with "no".

At the time I was deeply sad. And deeply disappointed. Wanting so badly for the Lord to answer our longing with a "yes...he is yours." But instead hearing, "no, he's not."

Praying specifically isn't easy. Because you risk getting a "no".

I never want to forget this. Our prayer. God's answer. And being blessed with knowing why He answered the way he did. Seeing that His "no" was said in mercy...to spare us from pain and hurt that would be greater than the hurt and disappointment associated with His "no".

I can't even adequately describe my gratefulness. His faithfulness. Knowing that the Lord of the universe deeply cares for me, and is looking out for us, and working good on our behalf. I am so humbled. And know that when He answers "yes" it will be His best for us.

And God's good things are worth waiting for.