Still a family of four

On Thursday March 17th, at roughly 2:00pm I got a call from our case worker. I was reading the girls a story in their room to get ready for their quiet time when my cell rang. The number showed up as unavailable, and I thought it was probably a telemarketer, but I picked it up anyways.

Our case worker quickly told me that there was a situation he needed to discuss with me. I grabbed a pen and an envelop, the closest thing to paper I could find, and he began....

...a baby boy had been born last week and the birth parents were pursuing adoption. The baby was born with a couple of health complications but all were correctable with surgery. He was calling us prior to giving the birth parents our profile due to the child's health risks. He wanted us to talk it over through the weekend, thoughtfully consider the challenging year this would present, and let him know on Monday if we were interested in pursuing adopting this baby.

You can just never be prepared for this type of news. I have known since we started pursuing adoption that one day I would get a call like this. I knew it would come on a regular day, out of the blue. A day just like that Thursday. But even though I knew that the call would come unexpectedly, you're still never prepared for how surprised you are.  I knew I would be surprised....but, it's so different thinking and dreaming about that day coming...and then getting the call that makes it real.

It's funny because I had just gotten off the phone with Megan only two hours prior to this and she had asked me if there was any news concerning our adoption. I said what I always say, "nope. No news. Still waiting."

How quickly things can change.

After I hung up the phone, I let it sink in.

I just got a call, about possibly adopting a baby. A baby boy no less.

I felt a swirl of emotions flood over me instantaneously.

Disbelief.

Fear.

Uncertainty.

Shock.

Gratitude.

Doubt.

Excitement.

I knew I had to get in touch with Isaak.

But Isaak was TDY in Indiana at this time and his cell coverage was sketchy at best but I quickly called him praying the call would make it through. It did. I was rambling, stumbling over my words...trying to explain everything I'd been told. I was excited but also nervous as to what Isaak's reaction would be...because yes, there was a baby boy who could possibly be our son....but, but but but....he was born with health risks. Would he be as excited about trying to adopt him even with the complications????????

The first thing he said as I told him.........

"A BOY?! A BOY?!!!!! Somebody get me a pen!!!!"

His first reaction. Joy. Complete and utter joy. No doubts. No hesitation. Just joy.

That man of mine is somethin' special. He quickly wrote down all the information I gave him and set off to find the three surgeons who were working with him on this exercise. Did I mention he didn't hesitate? Not for one second. That's a good man right there.

After hanging up the phone with Isaak...panic started to set in.

I was alone. Isaak was gone. We had to discuss this over the phone, in separate states. No one to be with me. Talk with me. Keep me from freaking out. There was a baby boy out there who could possibly be our son, he had some health concerns.....my thoughts were racing....

"Could I handle this? How would I know what to do? I don't have any experience parenting a baby with complications. I'm not qualified....what if I can't? What if I mess up?"

....."what does he look like? Has he been named? Is he alone right now? Is anyone staying with him? How much does he weigh? What color are his eyes? Does he have any hair?"

My thoughts were racing back and forth between doubts and excitement, fear and joy, confident to insecure. I was a basket case!

And then this thought flooded over me....

"What will everyone think? What if they don't think we can handle this? What if they question our ability to parent under challenging circumstances? What if they're not supportive?"

I knew where the root of this thought was coming from...but I let myself ponder it for a few minutes... what if? what if our friends and family aren't supportive???? Then what?.....

the response..."do you really care more about your friends and family's opinion of you than you do Mine? If this is what I'm calling you to, what does it really matter what everyone else thinks? Do My opinion and direction for your life rank higher than the world's?"

*sigh* "I'm sorry Lord....help me to follow in Your ways and value your love and acceptance above all others."

And then it hit me. I could feel it. The battle. It's amazing how quickly the devil is ready to pounce. He sits patiently....lurking.....waiting for an opportunity to attack. Delivering an assault of doubts, lies, and fear. Before I even.had.a.chance to let this news sink in....he was already launching a campaign at every last one of my insecurities.

And in that moment I became acutely aware of what was happening. I don't care how crazy it sounds but I could feel the spiritual tension.  And I quickly went from panic mode, to desperate mode. I needed prayer. Like nothing I've ever felt before. The force was compelling me...driving me....the need was overwhelming.

So...I set out for prayer....

And every single response I received upon hearing the news....excitement. Pure excitement. And support.  (Satan is such a filthy little liar. )

But even if the response hadn't been supportive....it wouldn't of mattered....God was leading the way...and we needed to follow after Him.

After like twelve hours of hearing the news, twelve hours of praying, and twelve hours of crying :~) we were ready to call our case worker and proceed with our request to adopt the baby. We didn't need the whole weekend to discuss, we knew...we knew what God was asking us to do. It was all very clear.

Be willing. Just be the willing. We'll never know unless we try.

Would our profile be selected?

Maybe. Maybe not. But God was asking us to take a step in His direction regardless. So we did. We took one giant step towards God, and possibly a son.

Fifteen excruciatingly long days passed. Fifteen days filled with more prayers than I can count. Prayers filled with desperate pleas to be chosen...for this baby to be our son...for this baby to be our daughters brother. Prayers over the baby and the birth parents, for their peace and absolute assurance in selecting a family. Prayers filled with God's will in this situation..for His good work and promises to be fulfilled.

Fifteen days of waiting. Wondering if he was ours. Dreaming that he might be. Praying for him as if he were.

Fifteen days...that seemed like forever.

And then on the fifteenth day....we were told....

"I'm sorry. Another family was selected."

*sigh*

There is nothing that can prepare you to receive a call about possibly adopting a child...and there is nothing that can prepare you for the disappointment when it doesn't work out. 

I tried to be careful. I did. I tried to guard my heart and keep myself from getting my hopes up.

But one thing I found out through all of this.....that is an impossibility.

It's just not possible to not get your hopes up. It's impossible not to dream. And hope. And wish. And pray. And get excited about the possibilities. I tried to stay emotionally neutral...but failed miserably. Because, again, I learned, that when a child is involved...there is no neutral. You either need to be all in, or all out. I couldn't stay in the middle. I couldn't not think about it. I had made a decision that I wanted the opportunity to be his mommy, I was all in, and there is no way to escape disappointment when you're in that position.

Me and Isaak were going to dream and pray like that baby was our son until someone told us that he wasn't. Even if we were setting ourselves up for disappointment.

It was hard to hear that our prayer got a "no." It was hard when our desired will for the child didn't include us. When what was best for him involved someone else. That is why I knew my year of "specific" would be a doosey. Because I knew that some of those prayers would inevitably include disappointment. And who wants to be disappointed? But what I'm learning is that God wants us to pray those big prayers expecting that He can, even if he chooses not to. He wants us to be the willing. And beckons us to follow Him.

 

And so He is encouraging me to pray big, and not hold back...and lay it all at His feet. And follow Him regardless of the outcome. But something else the Lords showing me...He's not expecting me to be perfect. And plant a smile on my face and fake enthusiasm.

The longer I follow Christ the less concerned I get about appearing "put together".  I want to be authentic with God. And the world. Genuine and sincere. And if I can't come to Him and shed tears of hurt and disappointment, then I haven't come very far. (Something He's still definitely teaching me.) Walking by faith is hard. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has another child in store for us here, and that this was all part of His plan...but I also know I'm allowed to experience disappointment when my desired plan and God's plan aren't the same thing.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I am very disappointed that we were not chosen to adopt this baby. But I am also very confident that God is in control. I'm both. I'm disappointment and yet optimistic. Sad and still encouraged. And that's okay. And I know His plan is the best plan. 

Those fifteen days God taught me a lot and showed me a lot about myself and Him. And if that is the only reason He brought this situation into our path...then, while I may not be closer to adopting a child...God brought me closer to Him through it all. So at least I'm not in the same place I was before all of this. :~) And He's going to take me further still...I just need to keep my eyes on Him, and follow where He leads.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.  

Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,  for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. " Psalm 143:8-10