My one word for 2011

I was given a challenge after Christmas. A challenge from my sweetie Bekah.

A one word challenge. 

Just one word for 2011 to focus on.

Sounded easy enough.

So instead of another new year's resolution I was sure to fail, and forget, just as soon as I committed myself to it...I decided to pick one word.

One word to focus on this year.

One word, to really challenge me.

Of course there are thousands upon thousands of words out there, and I had been thinking for the past couple days after Christmas what that word would be....because I wanted a good one.

But, it wasn't until I was saying goodbye to Bekah in the airport, that God planted my heart on what it would be. My word for 2011. That one word that would spur me on these next twelve months...

SPECIFIC.

That's my word for this year. We already have a love hate relationship because SPECIFIC doesn't come easy for me. It doesn't come easy in my personal life, and I've especially struggled with it in my prayer life.

I struggle with it in my personal life, because well, if I'm being totally honest I want my family to be mind readers. I do. I want them to be able to read my mind. I don't want to have to always tell everybody what I want. What to do. All.the.time. I want them to just know. Without having to be told, or reminded, over and over and over. I realize the absurdity to this way of thinking, but absurd as it may be...I do it! And I subject my family to it. Because rather than getting aggravated, when my family doesn't read my mind and do exactly as I want and think they should...I could just tell them. I could just be specific.

And then I struggle with this in my prayer life, not because I expect God to be a mind reader...(tee hee, that's one I don't have to worry about!)...but because I tell myself over and over and over,

"God, I don't know what's best for me. You do. So I'm not gonna pray over anything specific. I'm just gonna pray in a generalized fashion. I'm gonna be a neutral prayer."

It's funny because I only struggle with this in prayers concerning me. When it comes to other people, I have no problem laying out the specfic desires I have for them. But me....not so easy.

And I've come to realize that that's no way to approach God. While I do think it's important to approach God with absolute humility and recognize are limitedness in knowing what's best for us, praying neutral all the time is a cop out.

For example....."God, I don't know what will be best for our family with this adoption. I don't want to pray for a specific boy or girl, because you know my family better than I do, and you know whether a boy or girl will be right for us. I don't want to pray one way, and not have that be the right way in the end. You know better than me, so just send us whichever. I trust you. "

Seems good. Seemed like a good way to approach my life. Just surrender it all to Him. Never have an opinion. Never have a specific desire. Or a specific want. Let God make every decision so I wouldn't have to think. So I wouldn't ever have to make a wrong choice. A choice that didn't line up with what God had planned for me. I wanted to take away any opportunity for human error. I wanted to take away any opportunity to choose wrong. So I became a neutral prayer.

"Whatever God, anything is fine so long as that's what you want for me."

"Whatever."

"Whatever."

"You decide."

And on and on it went. For years.

But then I also came to realize, through some much needed God revelation....that I've also been praying this way....

so that I could avoid disappointment. 

I don't want to pray wrong....and I don't want to be disappointed when I don't receive what I've been praying for.

Yikes.

It's hard to pray and pray and pray over something, something that you really really want, and truly desire, and then have God turn around and tell you,

"no, I'm sorry."

To spend that much energy into praying for something, and then be told "no." Who wants that?

Not me. I don't want to become emotionally invested in praying over something just for God to tell me "no", and be disappointed because I didn't get what I wanted.

Because now, you have to deal with disappointment, then you have to learn to let go out that dream or desire you had for your life, and then accept that God had something else in mind for you all along.

Like this adoption. I convinced myself that I didn't care whether we were blessed with either a son or a daughter. I prayed neutrally, for God to bless us with either. God's choice. But all along....Sydaleigh has been praying for a brother. A brother. This sweet little child has been going before God, laying her specific desires at His feet. For a brother. That challenged me. This whole darn thing has challenged me.

Praying specifically is hard. Because it requires me to trust God way more than I ever did when I was praying generally. I said, "I trust you, I trust your decision for me"... but if I really trusted God, I would pour my heart out to Him and tell Him what I really want, (because He already knows anyways, I'm not fooling Him by keeping it to myself)...and give Him the opportunity to grant that request, or deny it. Even if that means facing disappointment. Even if that means becoming emotionally invested. Waiting expectantly for God to grant my request. That takes more trust.

I'm going through Luke right now in bible study and time after time I have read across scripture
Luke 11:5-13, Jesus urging boldness and persistence in prayer,
Luke 18:41, Jesus asked him, "what do you want me to do for you?" "Lord, I want to see," he replied
Luke 21:36, again encouraging boldness
Luke 22:42, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

Jesus himself approached God with a very specific prayer. A very specific prayer. He didn't shy away from laying His desires at God's feet. He came, and fully poured out His heart in prayer, not holding back. But what I love is that while He fully poured out His heart's desires, He recognized God's final authority and was fully surrended to the LORD'S will. Even if it wasn't what He prayed for. Even if He had to endure the disappointment of a prayer answered "no." He didn't hold back. He fully gave God the opportunity to answer His prayer either "yes" or either "no." But fully accepting whatever answer He was given.

Now that's trust. 

Not exactly what I've been doing. Not exactly how I've been approaching God in prayer. I wanted to avoid any chance of hurt or pain or disappointment, so I avoided praying for anything specific.

And, God is seeking to change that in my life this year. Seeking to strip me of this whacked out thinking, and come to Him just as Jesus did. Vulnerable. And just as Jesus taught us to do. Expecting.

So that's my word for the year. SPECIFIC. It's gonna be a doosey. God has used it to push me and stretch me more than I wanted to be and it's only February!

I have had some things on my heart that God finally encouraged me to stop being neutral on, and be specific on. So, in these past two months I have prayed continually for two specific things. One concerning our adoption, that the Lord would bless our family with a blessed baby boy, (whether He grants that prayer remains to be seen :~) ), and the other for a friend. Just recently I began praying for two other very specific things...one of which God answered on Friday. :~)