The reality of being "paper" pregnant

A friend asked me a number of months ago how I was handling being "paper" pregnant. The question caught me off guard because I had never heard that expression before, which is crazy since we've been pursing adoption for over four years now. I figured I would have heard it along the way. But, I've never been one to keep up on the latest trends in catch phrases, and this one slipped me right by.

But I like it.

It is certainly accurate....paper pregnant....yeah, I guess I am.

I've thought about her question for a while now. What's it like, going through this process of "expecting" a child that no one can see the physical effects of?
  
Well for starters, it is not at all the same as being physically pregnant. And I would know, since I've been pregnant twice. When I was pregnant with the girls, I had no fears that once my child was born the doctor would take one look at me and say, "sorry, I don't think you'll make an adequate mother, I'm giving your child to someone else." Or, "You know, I don't think you and your baby make a good match, she can't stay with you." I didn't have to worry about someone approving of me. I didn't have to wait to bring home my girls until the hospital determined I was adequate. The baby growing inside me was mine. No one could stake a claim to them or tell me what to do with them once they were born.

Such is not the case when you are "paper pregnant".

When a person is pursuing adoption they live with the constant thought that no matter how attached they may become to a child, no matter how much they love the child, no matter how much they want him or her to be theirs....it's not up to them. It's not up to me. I don't get to decide whether I can take home the child. Somebody decides that for me now. I, like every other prospective adoptive parent, am completely helpless in the matter and the end result is out of my control.

And that's hard. And emotionally taxing. And for us, this process has been dragging on for an excruciatingly long time. For us, it's not just the past year that has been emotionally heavy....but the last four years. We started out on this adoption journey over four years ago and are still waiting for the Lord to fulfill our desire. What started out as a domestic adoption in the United States will hopefully conclude as an international adoption in the tiny African country of Burkina Faso.

And as I sit here and reflect on just this past year of our adoption pursuit in Burkina Faso, it is with a heavy heart, because we are weary.

This is not an easy rode we have traveled.

This past year has been really heavy emotionally. We have a unique set of circumstances surrounding our adoption here. Most international adoptions are done with the prospective parents living in one country and the child living in another. At the end of the adoption process the parents then fly to the home country of their child, pick him or her up, and return home. But because we live here in Burkina Faso, and the boy we hope to adopt is living at an orphanage two hours away, and we happen to be friends with the director and we visit the orphanage frequently....we get to see our hopeful son in person long before our adoption is complete.

From the outside it might be easy to conclude that that would make the process easier. But it doesn't. It has made it harder...a lot harder....because we have become so attached.

Yes, the dreaded "A" word. A word we have heard and been cautioned against for years and something I have come to hate hearing. "Don't get attached," they say. "Guard your heart," we hear. But, despite the fact that after four years we have yet to complete an adoption, I certainly feel like we have gained some experience in the process of adoption and the waiting game required and let me just say that the whole "not getting attached or getting your hopes up and guarding your heart" is impossible.

It's just impossible. Sorry.

Maybe some have figured out how to tread these waters without getting attached along the way, but I haven't. I'm a "get attached" kind a person. Even if it's risky. Because I believe it's worth the risk.

Loving is always worth it.

But they caution you against it anyways...they tell you to protect yourself in the event that it all falls through. But I don't know how to do that. I can't pursue adoption without getting in over my head emotionally.

It's not possible...something I came to learn a few years ago.

I went back through my blog today and re-read this post from April 15th, 2011. 

It was a recount of the time we had been asked to consider adopting a special baby boy in Nebraska, but in the end, another family was selected and then the birth mother eventually backed out and decided to keep the child. It was an emotionally turbulent time. And in the post I wrote this....

"I tried to be careful. I did. I tried to guard my heart and keep myself from getting my hopes up.

But one thing I found out through all of this.....that is an impossibility.

It's just not possible to not get your hopes up. It's impossible not to dream. And hope. And wish. And pray. And get excited about the possibilities. I tried to stay emotionally neutral...but failed miserably. Because, again, I learned, that when a child is involved...there is no neutral. You either need to be all in, or all out. I couldn't stay in the middle. I couldn't not think about it. I had made a decision that I wanted the opportunity to be his mommy, I was all in, and there is no way to escape disappointment when you're in that position.

Me and Isaak were going to dream and pray like that baby was our son until someone told us that he wasn't. Even if we were setting ourselves up for disappointment."

Three years later we find ourselves in the same position but in a different country with a different little boy. A precious little boy that we weren't asked to consider adopting, but one that we chose, one that we desperately want to adopt because we want the opportunity to love him and be his family. And we have dreamed and prayed about him like he is our son and will continue to until someone tells us otherwise. Until God closes the door. And yes, there is a chance it may end in disappointment. But I'd rather be all in than spend my life on neutral ground with an indifferent heart. 

So yeah, it has been heart wrenching going up to Yako and visiting the orphanage and seeing him there and knowing we can't take him home. It has been torturous to have to lay him in his crib and  walk away and leave him behind. It is painful knowing that he is here, yet we can't be with him. It is painful knowing that when he gets sick and has to be taken to the hospital there is nothing we can do because we have no legal rights to him yet.

this whole process of adopting.....

yeah, it is painful
It is living with the knowledge that at any moment this could all collapse. That something as miniscule as an error on a date could make the whole process implode
It is feelings of complete helplessness
It is living with the needed approval of a mother, or a government
I often wonder if I'm praying enough...
It is praying so much it consumes my thoughts....
It is a tear stained plea.
It is only being able to say, "Please, God. Please, God. Please, God. Please, God," over and over and over again, all day long....
It's agonizing
It's sleepless nights
It's wondering if we made the right decision and chosen the child God had planned for us
It is lonely
It is feeling like no one understands
It is hard to talk about with others because there are so many feelings and attitudes constantly at play
It is second guessing whether we are capable of this 
It is wondering how the dynamics of our family will change
It is moments of peace 
followed by moments of discouragement
It is great joy in progress and grief during setbacks
It is learning how to remain calm during uncertainty
not giving up hope
and persevering
It is inspiration
a bubbling over excitement of things to come
It is a growing anticipation for an upcoming change we can't fathom
It is sadness in knowing we are missing milestones and birthdays
It is learning to live out my faith everyday
trusting what I can't see
keeping the faith when the odds feel stacked against us
It is relying on the Lord and believing He is in control
It is reminding myself daily that it's not really up to the mother or the government, it's up to the Lord and He will move in their hearts to accomplish His plan 
It is continuing to live our life in the midst of this inner turmoil and emotional roller coaster
It is praying and hoping and believing that God's plan for us matches up with our own desires
and it is the daily prayer asking for strength to surrender to His plan if it doesn't
It is waiting, and waiting and waiting....and wondering how it's all going to turn out in the end.....

Like Right now, the powers at be in Burkina Faso are currently, at this moment, deliberating over whether or not to match us with the boy we hope to adopt. I was informed that they have been studying both of our dossiers since Monday and considering whether to match us. It has taken us thirteen months just to get to this point. It could be a matter of hours. It could be days. It could be weeks until they decide. So I sit, and wait, and pray, and plead for God to grant us favor. I cry out for mercy that the Lord will hear our cries and move on our behalf.

I am praying that nothing will stand in the way of God's plan for this little boy, and us, and that one day soon this whole waiting business and the emotional roller coaster we're riding for this adoption process will be behind us and we can get down to riding the emotional roller coaster of living together as a family. =) We are ready to move on. We are ready to see God bring this to completion....