I have decided.....

There is this song that I listen to that makes me cry and gets me all fire up.

I heard it for the first time when I was just a girl. It is a very old well known children's worship song, though it started out as a hymn. It goes like this....

"I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus.

No turning back, no turning back.

Though none go with me, still I will follow. Though none go with me, still I will follow. 

The none go with me, still I will follow.

No turning back, no turning back.

The world behind me, the cross before me. The world behind me, the cross before me. 

The world behind me, the cross before me.

No turning back, no turning back."

I learned that song in Sunday school when I was younger, but hadn't heard it for well over twenty years because Psalty's kids music kinda lost its appeal as I grew older.

But while we were living in Nebraska with a move to Burkina Faso on the horizon, I downloaded a bunch of children's worship music for the girls and this song was on the album.

As I played the song, feeling nostalgic, I just began to cry. And in that moment I felt the Lord begin to encourage me through the simple lyrics of this song, more than any other music I had ever listened to. I needed it so much then. The time leading up to coming to Burkina was heavy with emotions, potentially defeating circumstances, and discouragement that reared it's head in a variety of ways. And then I arrived in Burkina...and our time here has been heavy with emotions, an abundance of physical and mental overwhelment, potentially defeating circumstances and discouragement that's reared its head in a variety of ways that we never could have imagined and far exceeded anything we have ever endured. And I have needed the encouraging words to this song so much more now as well. 

And it never fails to bring me to my knees.

Sometime after moving to Burkina, I somehow stumbled across another version of this childhood song, by Selah,  I Have Decided ( listen and love). And that rendition moves me in an even more profound way. Interwoven throughout the song is an African beat and one of the verses is sung in a native tribal language of the Congolese people. It is powerful. This song has come to hold so much meaning to my life, and hearing it sung to the rhythm of an African drum with unfamiliar tribal words echoing in the background, moves my heart in more ways than I can say.

And I have played this song over and over again more times than I can count in the past two years since I first reheard it.

This song....it's not talking about that first time decision we make when we decide to follow Jesus and give Him our heart.

This song is talking about the decision we must make to follow Jesus after we've decided to follow Him. In the big picture of our relationship with Jesus, that first time decision to follow Him is going to be the easiest. Given a lifetime of perspective, we will look back and realize that was the easiest choice we ever made in relation to the rest of our walk together. 

Because, it's everything after that...the daily moment by moment living out of our faith that is going to test us and bring us to our knees more than that first decision ever did. 

Walking in our faith is hard. The hardest. Living every day of my life in pursuit of Him and seeking to glorify God in all I do....takes more strength, courage, faith, sacrifice and reliance on the Lord than I ever thought it would in the beginning.

But we must commit to follow after Him in obedience with the work that He has called us to. Even if that means we must follow Him alone. Even, if no one comes with us and our road to the cross is lonely. 

When Jesus calls us to follow Him, we can not put stipulations on our obedience. We can not say....

"Well, okay God, I will follow you but only if it's not too far away." "I will follow you if it's to a place I'm comfortable working or living." I will follow you only if I can convince a friend to come along". "I will follow you if I can find a babysitter." "I will follow you only if it doesn't require a huge time commitment." "I will follow you only if I don't have to relinquish my beliefs concerning x, y, and z." "I will follow you only if you don't ask me to do anything hard, and definitely not anything that makes me uncomfortable." " I will be obedient basically if you don't ask me to do anything that I don't want to do."

But so often that's what we do. That's our attitude. We attach strings. We make conditions. We say we will follow Him "if..." and we place our opinions and interests above that of the Lords. But Jesus is the one who gets to say if to us....

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it." Matt 16:23-25

These past two years have been very trying. The cost in following Jesus has never felt greater. We struck out alone when we came to Burkina. We left everything behind-our family and friends no longer within driving distance. No support system to fall back on. Everything familiar stripped away. But we came because He asked us to follow Him, He told us to give up our lives for His sake. So we did, even though it wasn't easy. And since arriving He has called us to other things. I felt the Lord's prompting to get involved in orphan care when we arrived. And the first time I visited the orphanages I serve at, I had a friend come with me, because I didn't know how to get there or wasn't comfortable going alone not knowing the protocol. And at each first visit a friend was gracious enough to come along. But after that first time, it was up to me from then on out. Would I be brave enough to go back alone? Without the cushion of a french speaking friend for language support, or just the added benefit of company? What is my motivation to serve?

I have decided to follow Jesus.

Though none go with me, still I will follow.

The world behind me, the cross before me.

No turning back....

....even if I need to follow Him alone,
even if it's uncomfortable in the beginning,
even if I'm nervous, or afraid or unsure,
even in the moments when I feel my faith failing me,
or I start to doubt or lose hope,
or when I've lost my nerve to move forward and want to retreat,
when all I can see is me,
when my emotions are spilling overboard,
when my circumstances are threatening to rob me of His peace
when a situation seems bigger than I can handle,
or when I feel ill equipped and inadequate.

I will take up my cross, let go of my life, follow after Him and not turn back, because that is what He asks of me.

And this song speaks of that......

"I have decided to follow Jesus (no matter where He calls me to go or what He asks me to do)...

no turning back, no turning back.

"The world behind me, the cross before me (as my ever present guide in every situation)...

no turning back, no turning back

Though none go with me, still I will follow (even if the road is lonely and I must travel it alone)...

no turning back, no turning back."

It speaks of my commitment and my desire to serve the Lord, at all cost. And....also a reminder of His promise to me....

"Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isa. 41:10

"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me." Ps. 16:8

"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Jos. 1:9

The Lord is with me wherever I go. Even if the road He calls me to walk is lonely and unfamiliar, He is at my side.

No turning back......