Marvelly is SIX!!!!

Marvelly turned six years old this week- and we did a whole lot of celebrating!

Last Sunday we had a very special party in honor of her upcoming day. And not just any party, but an all girl princess party!

There were fourteen of some of Marvelly's favorite girlfriends, plus herself and Sydaleigh. And my oh my was that ever a lot of sweetness in one place!

For the festivities we decorated crowns and wands, because no princess party is complete without jewel encrusted tiaras and scepters.

The girls also decorated crown and castle cut out sugar cookies.

Isaak arranged for a popcorn and cotton candy machine to be there....which was awesome, the girls loved it!

Marvelly had never had cotton candy before, a new first for her!

We played "pin the kiss on the frog"

And then everyone took a blindfolded turn banging up a castle pinata!

No one was able to break it open, even when I let them hit it without a blindfold....

so I finished it off with a couple hard whacks and the girls scurried all over the yard picking up the goodies!

I made a Sofia the First birthday cake because Marvelly just loves Sofia right now-it is actually both girls newest Disney obsession. And it was only fitting to have a Sofia cake for her princess party.

And while the kids ate their cake and ice cream the adults had some fun of their own, smashing another pinata that we never used from last year!

We filled it with some more grown up friendly items like taco seasoning packet, granola bars and chap stick! We had a blast!

Everyone had a fantastic time. Mr. Seth and Miss Rebecca came for her special day too at Marvelly's request. Marvelly made it clear that no boys could come, only grown up boys like daddy and Mr. Seth. The girls played and ran around the yard and had a ball. It was in the low 100's the day of the party, but fortunately our heavily treed back yard provided a great amount of shade so no one roasted too badly! We sure do love our backyard, we have certainly made good use of it!

Daddy being silly and the girls wondering what he's doing!

Group photo with the birthday girl!

After the party was over and all the guests left we quietly returned to the house to open up presents. Quietly. Ahh, that is the first time we have opened presents this way...and we all preferred it to the chaos of trying to open gifts with everyone crowding around.

On Tuesday, bright and early we woke her up to breakfast and presents in bed as tradition dictates! She was a little groggy as we woke her up at 5:50am but quickly perked up!

Later on that day I went to the school and brought some cupcakes for her class and we celebrated together with her teacher and all her friends from school. She got to wear a special birthday crown and all the kids made her a birthday book with notes and pictures.

That evening the celebration continued with our own family. The girls helped decorate a little cake I made left over from the cupcake batter.

We sang happy birthday, had more cake and ice cream, opened up two special gifts I had been saving,

...one of which was The Ant Bully, a movie she had been asking for for so long! She was very happy! And we ended the evening with family movie night watching her special new show. It was a grand day. She felt very loved and special and we were honored to be able to celebrate her life.

This little lady is such a joy. She just loves life. She keep me laughing so hard all day. I love this picture because I feel like it perfectly depicts her personality. This is her smile. Her one of a kind Marvelly smile. I love her little mouth and teeth. Her crazy wild hair. The way she giggles. She is a very literal person. She wants to be a mommy when she grows up. She loves everything that has to do with Sydaleigh, her absolute best friend. She never stops moving. If I had a pouch like a kangaroo for her to crawl in she'd be cozied up in that thing all day. If she's not sitting on you, she's not close enough. Close proximity and quality time are her love languages. She moves at her own pace, which is often the slowest. She eats ice cream like Isaak. She likes to eat with her hands, like Burkinabé. She's such a unique little person. If she doesn't feel like talking to you, she'll just ignore you. Her hair is down to the middle of her butt. She's a spunky little thing. She loves school so much and adores spending time with all her friends. Alice in Wonderland is her favorite movie.

She's our little Marvelly. We're blessed to have the honor of loving her.

The reality of being "paper" pregnant

A friend asked me a number of months ago how I was handling being "paper" pregnant. The question caught me off guard because I had never heard that expression before, which is crazy since we've been pursing adoption for over four years now. I figured I would have heard it along the way. But, I've never been one to keep up on the latest trends in catch phrases, and this one slipped me right by.

But I like it.

It is certainly accurate....paper pregnant....yeah, I guess I am.

I've thought about her question for a while now. What's it like, going through this process of "expecting" a child that no one can see the physical effects of?
  
Well for starters, it is not at all the same as being physically pregnant. And I would know, since I've been pregnant twice. When I was pregnant with the girls, I had no fears that once my child was born the doctor would take one look at me and say, "sorry, I don't think you'll make an adequate mother, I'm giving your child to someone else." Or, "You know, I don't think you and your baby make a good match, she can't stay with you." I didn't have to worry about someone approving of me. I didn't have to wait to bring home my girls until the hospital determined I was adequate. The baby growing inside me was mine. No one could stake a claim to them or tell me what to do with them once they were born.

Such is not the case when you are "paper pregnant".

When a person is pursuing adoption they live with the constant thought that no matter how attached they may become to a child, no matter how much they love the child, no matter how much they want him or her to be theirs....it's not up to them. It's not up to me. I don't get to decide whether I can take home the child. Somebody decides that for me now. I, like every other prospective adoptive parent, am completely helpless in the matter and the end result is out of my control.

And that's hard. And emotionally taxing. And for us, this process has been dragging on for an excruciatingly long time. For us, it's not just the past year that has been emotionally heavy....but the last four years. We started out on this adoption journey over four years ago and are still waiting for the Lord to fulfill our desire. What started out as a domestic adoption in the United States will hopefully conclude as an international adoption in the tiny African country of Burkina Faso.

And as I sit here and reflect on just this past year of our adoption pursuit in Burkina Faso, it is with a heavy heart, because we are weary.

This is not an easy rode we have traveled.

This past year has been really heavy emotionally. We have a unique set of circumstances surrounding our adoption here. Most international adoptions are done with the prospective parents living in one country and the child living in another. At the end of the adoption process the parents then fly to the home country of their child, pick him or her up, and return home. But because we live here in Burkina Faso, and the boy we hope to adopt is living at an orphanage two hours away, and we happen to be friends with the director and we visit the orphanage frequently....we get to see our hopeful son in person long before our adoption is complete.

From the outside it might be easy to conclude that that would make the process easier. But it doesn't. It has made it harder...a lot harder....because we have become so attached.

Yes, the dreaded "A" word. A word we have heard and been cautioned against for years and something I have come to hate hearing. "Don't get attached," they say. "Guard your heart," we hear. But, despite the fact that after four years we have yet to complete an adoption, I certainly feel like we have gained some experience in the process of adoption and the waiting game required and let me just say that the whole "not getting attached or getting your hopes up and guarding your heart" is impossible.

It's just impossible. Sorry.

Maybe some have figured out how to tread these waters without getting attached along the way, but I haven't. I'm a "get attached" kind a person. Even if it's risky. Because I believe it's worth the risk.

Loving is always worth it.

But they caution you against it anyways...they tell you to protect yourself in the event that it all falls through. But I don't know how to do that. I can't pursue adoption without getting in over my head emotionally.

It's not possible...something I came to learn a few years ago.

I went back through my blog today and re-read this post from April 15th, 2011. 

It was a recount of the time we had been asked to consider adopting a special baby boy in Nebraska, but in the end, another family was selected and then the birth mother eventually backed out and decided to keep the child. It was an emotionally turbulent time. And in the post I wrote this....

"I tried to be careful. I did. I tried to guard my heart and keep myself from getting my hopes up.

But one thing I found out through all of this.....that is an impossibility.

It's just not possible to not get your hopes up. It's impossible not to dream. And hope. And wish. And pray. And get excited about the possibilities. I tried to stay emotionally neutral...but failed miserably. Because, again, I learned, that when a child is involved...there is no neutral. You either need to be all in, or all out. I couldn't stay in the middle. I couldn't not think about it. I had made a decision that I wanted the opportunity to be his mommy, I was all in, and there is no way to escape disappointment when you're in that position.

Me and Isaak were going to dream and pray like that baby was our son until someone told us that he wasn't. Even if we were setting ourselves up for disappointment."

Three years later we find ourselves in the same position but in a different country with a different little boy. A precious little boy that we weren't asked to consider adopting, but one that we chose, one that we desperately want to adopt because we want the opportunity to love him and be his family. And we have dreamed and prayed about him like he is our son and will continue to until someone tells us otherwise. Until God closes the door. And yes, there is a chance it may end in disappointment. But I'd rather be all in than spend my life on neutral ground with an indifferent heart. 

So yeah, it has been heart wrenching going up to Yako and visiting the orphanage and seeing him there and knowing we can't take him home. It has been torturous to have to lay him in his crib and  walk away and leave him behind. It is painful knowing that he is here, yet we can't be with him. It is painful knowing that when he gets sick and has to be taken to the hospital there is nothing we can do because we have no legal rights to him yet.

this whole process of adopting.....

yeah, it is painful
It is living with the knowledge that at any moment this could all collapse. That something as miniscule as an error on a date could make the whole process implode
It is feelings of complete helplessness
It is living with the needed approval of a mother, or a government
I often wonder if I'm praying enough...
It is praying so much it consumes my thoughts....
It is a tear stained plea.
It is only being able to say, "Please, God. Please, God. Please, God. Please, God," over and over and over again, all day long....
It's agonizing
It's sleepless nights
It's wondering if we made the right decision and chosen the child God had planned for us
It is lonely
It is feeling like no one understands
It is hard to talk about with others because there are so many feelings and attitudes constantly at play
It is second guessing whether we are capable of this 
It is wondering how the dynamics of our family will change
It is moments of peace 
followed by moments of discouragement
It is great joy in progress and grief during setbacks
It is learning how to remain calm during uncertainty
not giving up hope
and persevering
It is inspiration
a bubbling over excitement of things to come
It is a growing anticipation for an upcoming change we can't fathom
It is sadness in knowing we are missing milestones and birthdays
It is learning to live out my faith everyday
trusting what I can't see
keeping the faith when the odds feel stacked against us
It is relying on the Lord and believing He is in control
It is reminding myself daily that it's not really up to the mother or the government, it's up to the Lord and He will move in their hearts to accomplish His plan 
It is continuing to live our life in the midst of this inner turmoil and emotional roller coaster
It is praying and hoping and believing that God's plan for us matches up with our own desires
and it is the daily prayer asking for strength to surrender to His plan if it doesn't
It is waiting, and waiting and waiting....and wondering how it's all going to turn out in the end.....

Like Right now, the powers at be in Burkina Faso are currently, at this moment, deliberating over whether or not to match us with the boy we hope to adopt. I was informed that they have been studying both of our dossiers since Monday and considering whether to match us. It has taken us thirteen months just to get to this point. It could be a matter of hours. It could be days. It could be weeks until they decide. So I sit, and wait, and pray, and plead for God to grant us favor. I cry out for mercy that the Lord will hear our cries and move on our behalf.

I am praying that nothing will stand in the way of God's plan for this little boy, and us, and that one day soon this whole waiting business and the emotional roller coaster we're riding for this adoption process will be behind us and we can get down to riding the emotional roller coaster of living together as a family. =) We are ready to move on. We are ready to see God bring this to completion....

Burkina livin'

Cows in Burkina don't look like the cows we had in Nebraska. They all have that unsightly hump, which is most unattractive in my opinion. If there were a cute contest between cows, the Nebraska ones would totally win.

Makin' mud bricks.....

the ground here is really hard, because it's the Sahel and this region of Africa goes without rainfall for 8 months out of the year, so in order to break up the ground to make bricks for homes they go out there with a pickaxe and break it up. Factor in 100+ degree heat and the relentlessly smoldering African sun and you have some serious hard labor.

The men in this country are super buff too. They may be skinny, but they're strong! I've seen muscles on guys I only thought possible in photoshop! I guess that's a byproduct of working in the fields with a pickaxe and making and stacking bricks all day! 

The women here are no slouch either! It takes some serious strength and stamina to haul around heaps of sticks and carry huge bowls on your head for miles and miles and miles.

...and despite the abundance of cars and motos in the capital city of Ouagadougou, the main mode of transportation for the other 15 million people in the country is bikes...and feet!

 For those having to travel exceptionally long distances they will ride a bus or "bush taxi".

And they load those suckers up!! Those buses are packed to the max-both inside and out.

And if there's no room left to ride on the inside, they ride on top!
 
As cars and buses drive through little towns, the women from the villages stand off to the side of the road and rush the cars with hopes of selling things like bread and fruit. It's the closest thing we have to a McDonald's drive thru! You can get lunch for your trip without having to leave your car...it's pretty sweet!

Just some parts of life from our neck of the woods across the Atlantic...a little slice of Burkina livin'.

High lows for the week

Monday

High-Sydaleigh finally had her eye appointment with a local ophthalmologist to get a prescription for glasses ( I got the date wrong so it was a week later than I expected.)

High-Kate was able to come with us to help translate because the terminology for this appointment was way past my language level ( Silly me hasn't learned the french words for things like 'astigmatism' yet)

Low-the doctor was TERR.I.BLE. Our appointment consisted of him putting up letters and numbers for Sydaleigh to read and then telling her over and over that she was wrong when she couldn't read them (she couldn't read them because she can't see!) and making her try again until she got the letter right and recording her "correct" answer that she only got from guessing and then determining her eyes are, oh, just fine and dandy, and she doesn't need a prescription. What. the. heck?! That is not how you do an eye exam! Who gave this guy his license? He then told us her previous diagnosis for 20-100 was not accurate and said we needed to go to the pharmacy to buy eye drops to dilate her eyes (they don't keep eye drops in the office, you have to go buy them at a pharmacy, then return at a different time for a follow up visit and pay for another exam fee) just so he can confirm to us that he is right in his diagnosis. Um yeah, let me think about that for a sec. No. He then went on to say that maybe she had an astigmatism, then maybe she had 20-80 vision, and then no, never mind, her eyes are fine, and she doesn't need a prescription. But he said to still come back anyways so he can dilate them. Again, I think we'll pass on that. Eish. If that wasn't the most frustrating biggest waste of time. Ever.

High-My super awesome friend Jenn, who I've known for many years and happens to be an optometrist in the States, talked to me afterwards and helped bring me back from the brink of having a little frustration induced meltdown and said it would be okay to wait until we can return to the States and have a proper eye exam conducted so long as she's not having headaches and squinting a lot and can sit in the front of the class.

High-God blessing me with awesome friends!

Tuesday

Low-Kate moved to Mali. Sad day for my heart losing the company of such a dear friend.

High-I got to go to the gym at the embassy! My first time in a gym in a year and a half! I have rediscovered that I am a lover of gyms. I have very little motivation at this season in my life to exercise at home, especially alone, trying to go through all of those pinterest "exercise at home" routines. That is not gonna happen for me. Maybe for a day, or even two, but after that not a chance. A gym on the other hand....I can do a gym. I love a gym. So I have replaced my walking times that I did with Kate with going to the gym in the mornings instead.

High-I had my Bible study in the afternoon with some great ladies. We are doing Beth Moore's The Patriarch's and it is phenomenal. Seriously. I am soaking this up.

Wednesday

Low-The director of the new orphanage in town that I started serving at on Wednesdays a little over a month ago told me that I (and Rebecca who was also with me this day) was not welcome to return until sometime in March. Like, told us to leave. 45 minutes after we got there, we got in the car and drove away. I will need to write on this more in detail, but seriously, this made me livid. I was blowing steam. After dropping Rebecca off at home I had myself a good cry.

High-can't think of one for this day. It was just a low day. Oh wait. I went over the Nathanja's in the afternoon with the girls. I spent a few hours hanging with her and it felt good especially after the cruddy morning I had. And then that night I watched October Baby with Isaak. A sweet movie about adoption and rejection and healing and forgiveness. It was a "Christian" movie, you know, the Kurt Cameron type that I hate because they are lame and cheesy. But this one was so good and the actors were great and the storyline was awesome and there was no cheese! Plus the soundtrack was full of great music so that helped too.

Thursday

High-the gym again!

High-watching the Olympics and the women skate for the gold! We were on the edge of our seat as each woman took the ice and we screamed and cheered and had the grandest time. We are SO blessed to be able to watch the Olympics here. Gosh we are hard core Olympic junkies, this had been the sweetest gift!

Low-Ten minutes after me and Isaak laid down in bed around 10pm Isaak heard what sounded like someone throwing up in the bathroom (I heard it too, but for some reason I thought it was Amira playing? I lost mommy points on that one). We go into the adjoining bathroom to see Sydaleigh standing over the sink vomiting and look around to see puke covering almost every surface in the bathroom. There was also a trail of vomit from the bathroom leading to her bed where she started. So we had to strip everything off her bed including her mosquito net, which hey, those are awesome and we are blessed to have those to keep the mosquitoes away at night, but dang man, those are like the least convenient thing to have to deal with when you wake up sick to your stomach and you can't get out of bed quickly because you are encased with netting. Yeah...it wasn't pretty. I spent the rest of the night with Sydaleigh holding her hair back as she threw up every 20 minutes. She was literally writhing in pain all night long because her stomach hurt so bad and didn't pass out until around 2am. Oh man, I hate seeing my girls in pain and not being able to help them. Needless to say it was a long night. We both got about 4 hours of terrible off and on sleep before I woke up at 6am so I could get Marvelly off to school.

High-Isaak was great and helped clean up the mess, bless him!

Friday

Low- Sydaleigh stayed home from school sick. Her vomiting stopped but she came down with a rogue fever of 103 degrees that kept climbing and wouldn't budge until I pumped her with the full dosage of both Tylenol and ibuprofen. My poor baby. =(

High-in the late afternoon her fever broke and she started feeling better. By the night she was smiling and feeling like her self again! Hallelujah!

High-great friends (Joanna, Seth and Rebecca) came over for dinner, dessert and we watched a movie afterwards while the girls watched a special episode of Sofia the First that I was able to download earlier since Sydaleigh was sick.

Low-falling asleep during the movie because I was running on four hours sleep (it was Ender's Game and I had really been wanting to see it too! Bummer! I hate when I fall asleep during movies-it's so annoying.)

Saturday

Low-waking up after only getting five and a half hours sleep! Wha! My body betrayed me. Geesh man, you get five hours of sleep every night and for some reason it starts to think that's all it needs. What the heck- it's not!! I want more, I promise I do!!

High-Rebecca and Seth came over in the afternoon to help us get ready for Marelly's party on Sunday. I baked the cake and cupcakes in the morning, so we sat around frosting and decorating all afternoon and then we had pizza for dinner and watched more Olympics.

Sunday

High-Marvelly's all girl princess birthday party was a HUGE success!! All the girls had so much fun! A more detailed account on her party later.....

Low-I freakin' stubbed my toe so bad. And I stubbed it on balloons and a soft pillow. What?! It hurt so bad I almost started crying, and Isaak was so confused because I stubbed it on balloons and he couldn't understand how stubbing your toe on a balloon and pillow could equate to tears and yelling and we have this really twisted reaction of laughing at people when they stub their toes, so a part of him was wanting to laugh at me but he knew he would be chopped liver if he did. And the rest of the day all through the party I had to walk on the side of my foot because my toe had shooting pains through it. All because of some stinkin' balloons. Geesh man, were they blown up with lead?! I hurt my toes more than any person I know. It still hurts as I write this. Of course this would be the toe that I haven't able to bend for six years because I jammed it as I stumbled down the stairs while I was pregnant with Marvelly. It's always this toe. I hate this toe...

And that's that. A whirlwind week, like always around here! We had some great highs. And some low lows. I don't care how stinky a day is, there is always something to find to celebrate over. Always. It has become especially important to me now since moving here to find at least one high from the day, especially if it was a really hard day. There is always something to look on with gratefulness. Even if it is just getting to go the gym. Or watching a movie with Isaak. I'll take those highs any day.

My friend Kate

The day finally came. My dear friend Kate moved to Mali on Tuesday. And it was a sad day here in her absence. 

(Kate, me, Rebecca)

I have only known Kate a few short months, maybe six or so, but in that time she has become so incredibly dear to me. I'm talking beaucoup beaucoup! A dear dear friend. Some people you just click with right away, and she was one of those people.

When I met Kate back in August we hit it off instantly. I remember she came over to my house with some other friends and we just sat and talked the evening away. And pretty much from that night on Kate was a steady presence in our life right up until she left this week.

Kate was only here in Burkina for nine months doing language study before she moved onto Mali. But despite the fact that she was only here for a short time, she lived like she was here long term. She got connected in the community right away. She didn't hesitate making friends and engaging with people, and being the military spouse that I am...I appreciate that so much.

It's hard moving some place new and knowing you aren't going to be there long term. It's hard starting over one place, just to pack up and start over again before you ever felt like you had a chance to put down any roots. It's not always easy being vulnerable with new people and opening up just to say goodbye way too soon. But one thing our life with the military has taught me personally over these last 13 years....is that you can't live that way. You have to put down roots, even if they don't have a chance to grow down very deep. You have to put yourself out there and connect with people. Because one of those people could be a Kate. Someone that profoundly impacts your life in such a short time.

And Kate lived that way too. And I admired that quality in her very much.

(worse picture ever! Ha! I love it. It was pitch black and the flash blinded us!)

We spent a lot of time together these past few months. We shared adventures and regular ordinary days.

(a dog had just finished chewing on Sydaleigh's shirt in this picture!)

Of course the girls fell in love with her. They were smitten. I'm talking, they were deeply saddened and affected when she left because they grew so use to her company and enjoyed her so much.

We shared many highs and lows over these past few months. But one thing is for sure, we packed in a lot memories...our trip to Banfora, burying her cat in our backyard, shopping for Christmas decorations, playing 7 Wonders all night, her involvement in the youth with Isaak and Seth and Rebecca, my birthday surprise, Thanksgiving, our Downton Abbey marathon, all the weekends spent eating pizza and hanging out..and of course, our walks.

Pretty conveniently she lived just down the street from me about ten minutes or so. So we started meeting halfway and walking together during the week, on Tuesday and Thursdays for one to two hours each morning. Many days living here can be an emotional roller coaster and as we would walk the dusty streets we would talk about Jesus and life and dreams and French and traveling and absolutely everything and nothing. We would share our burdens and struggles and hopes. She was someone that I could talk to for hours, and there was always something to talk about.

I will surely miss our walks and talks together.

The weekend before she left, during the crazy softball weekend, we had a little goodbye get together for her over at our house on Saturday.

Then the next night we had another going away get together for her at Kathy's house filled with a time of prayer and encouragement.

To say that I am going to miss this gal is the understatement of the century! She made my life even richer these past six months. Kate has such a joyful personality and a refreshing outlook and approach on life. She loved Jesus passionately and her faith was always such an encouragement and inspiration to me. I love her so much and I know a long line of people who share that sentiment! So blessed to call her friend and thankful for the time we had together!