To Africa and back again...round and round we go.

Obstacles? Or God?

I don't know. I don't know if there's even a way to know right now.

The obstacles are mounting. The frustration is growing. And Africa seems farther away than ever.

I haven't written about Africa on here yet. There's so much to say. I haven't had the words to articulate it. But I need to.....

....back in September Isaak applied for a position working at the US embassy in Burkina Faso.

When we first discussed the possibility of going there....I had never even heard of that little African country. I quickly learned it's in northern African, on the horn, in the sub-Sahara. It is one of the poorest countries in the world. It is considered the most illiterate country in the world. 60% of the population practice Islam and only 20% are Christian. And it's a French speaking country.

I was initially opposed to the idea. Well, my head and will were opposed. My heart was not. I knew immediately upon hearing Isaak present the idea of going that God was offering me, us, a great opportunity. The kind of opportunity I always wanted but never had the courage to dream. The kind of opportunity I was resigned to living in short spurts, on solo mission trips, or during "retirement" after the kids were all grown. Never did I dream of an opportunity to serve the Lord in this capacity as a whole family, together. Here in the states yes...but never to this extreme. Never relocating to a third world country, leaving behind everything familiar...country, school, friends, churches, culture....language....and starting over to this extent.

My heart was in. But my head was not. It would take some serious praying to get my head and heart aligned.

But they did. God brought me there. He met every fear, insecurity, question, excuse, and selfish motivation...and brought me to a place of peace.

That in itself is a miracle in my opinion. Looking back and knowing how at odds I was within myself...my heart pulling me one way, and my head pulling me another. And seeing God bring peace in the midst of chaos....truly amazing.

From the beginning of all this I kept saying, "I just want my life to bring you glory Lord. I want to honor you and bring you praise. I want to live a life that seeks to exalt You above all others, and all other things." No matter what.

We didn't know if Isaak would be accepted for this job. But we applied in hopes that He would and at peace that God's will would be accomplished no matter the results. We prayed fervently for the Lord's hand to be in this and that whether "yes you go" or "no you stay"....God would be the author of the outcome.

Weeks passed and we heard nothing. And, according to the package rules if you will, after a certain amount of time, if you don't hear anything, then you did not get the position.

That time came and went with no word....so we assumed, on reasonable authority that Isaak did not get selected.

And we were at peace with that decision. We were disappointed yes....but at peace that God had closed the door and had something else in mind.

We moved on. Well, as much as you can move on in two months. We really just reset our hearts back to staying in Nebraska indefinitely and for military folk that can be quite hard. But we felt good about it. We were at peace.

And then November 21st came. One day into our Thanksgiving vacation, on Hilton Head Island, we're sitting in the living room chatting with Isaak's Uncle Cesar who drove down for the afternoon....and Isaak gets a call....

...he got the job. We're moving to Africa after all.

Surprise. News travels late. Real late in this case.

I felt like someone had literally knocked the wind out of me. I should of been happy. But, again, I had wrapped my head around staying in Nebraska and now I wasn't, and I again, couldn't separate my head from my heart. My head was content now. I was comfortable again. We had just been offered a bigger house on base (after two years of waiting) , 4 bedrooms, basement, room to grow, we had everything set up to to move down the street when we got back from South Carolina. Teaching Women's Bible Study at church. Syd loves school. There's that whole possibility of maybe adopting at some point if anybody ever decides to pick us. New Portrait Projects. Life here is good. It's familiar. We like it. Happy to stay.

But now we're told we're not.

And wrapping my head around leaving the familiar behind again a second time didn't come as easily. Saying yes to something new and foreign felt much harder.

But God was quick to remind my head of why my heart said yes to begin with. He started to re-replace those same fears, insecurities, questions, excuses and selfish motivations with dreams, and encouragements, and peace and new life and light and truth. He surrounded us with friends and family to lean on and to draw strength from. When my will was wanting to run...He supplied peace and reassurance.

He was in control and we could rest in Him.

These past six weeks have been filled with an onslaught of paperwork, appointments, phone calls, clearances. So much to do in such a short time. So many t's to cross and i's to dot it was overwhelming at times. So many times it felt like I was drowning in a never ending pile of....everything. But we pushed through. The biggest thing was getting me cleared medically. But, we were reassured time, and time, and time again...that it wouldn't be a problem.

So we diligently completed everything "they" needed, submitted it all, and let it go. No turning back now. We've come too far to turn back and we've come to far for them to turn us back! It's happening. We started studying French. We started dreaming and making plans. Arrangements started to get underway.

This is it.

We're going to Africa. No doubt about it.

Just waiting on one last thing.

My medical clearance. Everything else is good to go. Just waiting these past two weeks on the big dogs to sign off on one little tiny piece of paper. But it won't be a problem. We've been told my thyroid won't.be.a.problem. Nothin' to worry about.

Until it became something to worry about.

Until today...when it became a real.big.freakin'.problem.

And I got denied.

And I am no longer able to go to Africa with Isaak.

*insert tears*

There comes that feeling like someone knocked the wind out of me.

Stunned.
Hurt.
Discouraged.
Angry.

The sense of loss...I can't describe.

I can't describe how much I wanted this. How much we all wanted this. The disappointment is, great. Me, Isaak, the girls....all wanting so badly to go. I sat with Sydaleigh and Marvelly at the little kitchen table, all huddled on my lap, crying. The girls, tears streaming down their faces. Marvelly saying in a broken voice, "I want to go to Burkina Faso." Sydaleigh sobbing. We sat there for a long time, the three of us in one chair, crying, and pouring our prayers out to God to not take this away from us. Praying for God's direction to be clear. Praying, again, for peace for our hearts amidst the chaos of our emotions.

I don't understand.

This was right.

This.was.right. This path was blessed. This path was good. I don't understand what's going on.

Is this simply an obstacle? some spiritual warefare? Satan not wanting us to go so he's throwing out all the stops to keep us here?

Or is this God? Is God closing the door?

I don't know. I just don't know. And I hate not knowing. I hate it.

I'm so confused. I just want to know what's going on. I hate being in the dark.

I hate having to actually trust. (Gosh that sounds bad.)
But it's true.
I hate having to actually trust God. Like for real trust Him. Being in a place where everything is dark and you can't see what's going on with your own life. Not knowing the outcome. I don't like that place.

I say I do....when I'm in the good places. Or things are going well and life is happy and comfortable. When there is no risk! But I don't. Not really. Because to be brought to that place where trusting God is the only thing available to me, means I'm out of control. It means that life has taken one of those pesky unforeseeable turns that leaves you looking like Bambi caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi. And I don't like feeling like I'm about to be run over.

And this path has just taken one of those pesky unforeseeable turns. A blind turn. We can not see what's coming. Not even a glimpse. There is not even a dim headlight shining in the darkness to light a smidgen of road. It's all dark.

What do you do when it's all dark? What do you do when you feel like you're walking blind?

This path has not just taken an unforeseeable turn...it has just gotten incredibly risky. There is so much risk involved now...

because now....now, we could deny the orders. Isaak could turn down the job. There would be considerable consequences, but he could decline it.

Or.....

we could submit an appeal to the top dogs in hopes that they would reverse their decision in support of additional documentation provided by my endo.

But in order to submit an appeal in an attempt to still go, Isaak would have to move forward with this job.

No turning back. Again.

And if he moves forward, and we submit an appeal, and it gets denied....it's too late. Isaak goes to Africa alone. We stay behind.

Or, they could say yes, change their mind, and let me accompany him after all.

But we don't know.

There's considerable risk.

There is no clear cut answer.

And I thought last year was a doosy....it's only four days into 2012 and already a monster situation.

It feels too big for me. It is too big for me. Only God can work this out. I may not like it when God brings me to a place of total dependence on Him, because I'm stubborn and willful...and stubborn, and I've got more attitude than I know what to do with at times, and my will wants to run and hide....but by golly....the Lord has brought me to this place more times than I care to count....and despite every single painfully obvious flaw and imperfection...I will let go. Not always on time. Not always on my own accord. I usually need some encouragement...(or some prying my fingers off of the steering wheel of my life).....but I will let go. And I will completely trust Him.

Because I know that He is trustworthy.

Despite all the things we don't know right now.....we DO know that the Lord is trustworthy. He can be trusted. His ways are good. He has our best intentions in mind. Everything He does, He does out of love. He is in control. And if I have to walk blind right now....then I give Him my hands to lead me. There is nothing else for me to do....except surrender....stretch out my hands....and be led.

And wait to see.