This is why I don't mow

This is why.

This is why I have a very strict "no mowing the lawn for me" policy.

Because something always happens. Every time. No exceptions.

Two years ago, I got like all pumped up to mow the lawn for some reason I can't even fathom. I went out there in my flip flops, because that's what I do. I didn't bother to move any patio furniture off the grass before I started. So midway through the lawn, I come to the patio furniture but instead of turning the lawn mower off, because I knew I'd be hard pressed to get that Melissa hater started again, I just kinda held onto that bar thingy with my left hand and reached the rest of my body out to move/throw the furniture outta the way. Except I have this God given gift of clumsiness and somehow, somehow, the metal chair that I was attempting to throw with one hand, landed down on my toes, crushing them, blood all over, because I was wearing blasted flip flops to mow the lawn.

Stupid lawn mower.  Never.again.

Except a year later I went temporarily insane and decided I would mow the lawn again for Isaak's birthday. I was trying to be a good wife and get the yard work done so that Isaak wouldn't have to even think about spending his day outside mowing. Well, the setting was down too low. I don't have a flippin' clue how to adjust that. I did one "line" or whatever that's called in the mowing dictionary and the mower had cut that grass down to nothin'. I'm talkin' nothin'. Nothin' as in bald. Bald patches all.over.the.yard.

I pledged never to mow the lawn again after that. Ne-ver.

Until today. Ooooh goodness. Today. Again, I don't know what the crap I was thinkin'. It was 8pm, we were hanging out outside and I just randomly thought..."I think I'll try mowing the yard." Where did all my smart cells go? WHERE?! I would like to know!

So I start mowing. I do one "line" down the side of our yard and then down the back and back up. I've got my flip flops on but I remembered to move the lawn chairs before I started to avoid any crushing blows to my extremities this time. The setting is also set somewhere nicely in the middle leaving plenty of grass behind me as I go.

"Dude! Check me out!" I think as I do a couple more paths in the front. "I got this!" Oh yeah. No way am I gonna let some clunky piece of machinery get the best of me.

So I'm trotting alone, get like five more paths under my belt.....

...and then that good for nothing Melissa hatin' lawn mower just decided to putz out on me right in the middle of mowing my back yard. And of course....I could not get it started again! Of course! Never fails. Something always happens. Melissa and mowing do.not.mix.

So now I have a 1/4 of a mowed back yard, with a very randomly mowed path to our tree that I did, a mowed spot on the side and down the back. And that's it. I don't care if it looks ridiculous. It is staying that way!

Because I am never, never, and I mean NEVER mowing the lawn again! I tried. I gave it an honest effort. But I've had one too many failed attempts. And I just know that next time it will either kill me, or I will tear that thing apart with my bare hands and melt it down to nothin'. So to keep both of us fully functioning, I am through with that thing. For good this time.