This is nuts!
It ( "it" being this erratic catch me off guard emotional breakdowns at the mere potential thought of Sydaleigh leaving).....started a couple days ago. I was showering the other morning and just started sobbing. Every morning when I start to pray for her, it hits me again.
And today. Oye. I tried to convince myself before going to her open house that I would be fine. I gave myself a little pep talk and tried to reason with my emotions that she wasn't going to school yet. We were just scopin' things out. No reason to cry.
Apparently my emotions have a mind of their own....because my tear ducts didn't listen.
Just walking to the school...I could feel it start building up in my chest. I quickly try to stuff them back down only for that feeling to start to rise up again when we get to her class door.
Oh crap. I'm gonna have to try harder.
Her teacher is standing at the door greeting everyone as we approach. She bends over and shakes Sydaleigh's hand, gives her a high five, introduces herself, and hands me some papers.
There it comes again....this involuntary force of emotions. My cheeks start to get hot, tight, my eyes start to fill and I can hardly keep my tears from spilling over.
Her teacher is asking me, or telling me something, something about a paper, and all I can muster out is an, "okay." That's all I could say without my tears betraying what I was so desperately trying to hide.
I take a deep breath. Push whatever was trying to bubble up and out of me way back down and go tour her room. Sydaleigh was thrilled. We looked over every center thoroughly and talked about what she'd be doing and found her chair and cubby and this and that. I didn't have to fake my enthusiasm. I was/am truly thrilled for her and this new adventure. I am.
I just don't know how to let go. I don't know how to not see her and be a part of her life. I don't know how to be away from her for over 7 hours a day, five days a week. To not know what she's doing every minute of the day. To not be a part of every area of her life.
I don't know how to do that.
And this unknown leaves me scared.
Have I taught her enough these last five years? Will my influence and teachings and guidance be enough to sustain her without my presence there to encourage it?
And every time I think about it...all I can do is cry and cover her in mommy prayers. Prayers full of desperate pleas that the Lord's influence would reach her heart and sustain her and encourage her...that He would comfort her in times of loneliness, deliver her from temptation, counsel her to bring peace instead of quarrels amongst her classmates, that Him who knows her better than I...would guide her while I'm gone. And prayers for my heart's peace in leaving her in the Lord's loving care...
We'll see come Monday how I handle all of this. And if today's test run was any indication...that's not lookin' so good for me right now! Praying for peace in the midst all of my whacked out emotions!
Only four more days till my Sydaleigh's a kindergartner!!
4 comments:
You'll cry like every other mother. We've all been through it and made it out okay. But just make sure you have a couple of tissues in your pocket to get you back to your car where an entire box of tissues will be waiting. And yes, it is a little harder when your hubby isn't there.
love her classroom; she looks like a kindergartener, now. before she looked like a five year old. what the heck happened????!!!???? give her my love and to you and marvelly, too!
I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR LITTLE GIRLS ARE GOING TO KINDERGARTEN!! Wasn't it just yesterday they were playing in our yards as 2 year olds?? When did we give them permission to grow up? I am crying right along with you! I know it gets easier, but what a blessing that you have raised a confident, kind, beautiful daughter. KUDOS to you MOMMY!! I sure miss you!!
I know it's hard. I cried on Victoria's first day of kindergarten...and first grade...and second grade. But eventually it gets easier. BTW, that shirt she's wearing was Victoria's very favorite. I'm glad Sydaleigh is liking it too! Give both those precious girls big hugs and kisses from us!
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