The "What if " Game-my thyroid ultrasound

I had my thyroid ultrasound done on the 9th.

It was an awkward procedure, having a device pressed into your throat. (But definitely not the most uncomfortable ultrasound I've had.)

I went home, not really thinking too much about it. Because surely if they had found anything I would get a call.

The following week the clinic called and said they scheduled my apt. for my Endocrinologist but it wasn't until May. May?! Wow. They made a copy of my ultrasound report and my blood work for me to come pick up to bring with me to my appointment......in May.

Well, Isaak was out of town that week and I didn't feel like dragging the girls to the clinic, so I waited until Isaak got home and asked him to pick up my records for me.

I set them on my desk.

Two days later, on Thursday, I finally decide to open the envelope and check the paperwork and make sure all the copies had been made.

I was thumbing through and came to my ultrasound report. Lots of numbers, words I don't understand. Put it away.

I call Isaak, who is out of town again, and randomly bring up the report, telling him I looked it over and asked if he looked at it...and he says, "yeah, and there are two growths on your thyroid." 


"What? I didn't read that, where did you read that?!"

I tear the report back out of the envelope and scan to the bottom paragraph and sure enough...the ultrasound discovered two "nodules" on each side of my thyroid.

Furious that the test showed something and my doctor didn't call me I called the clinic and left a message for my doctor to call me at once.

A million questions raced through my mind. And I was angry that my report was released to me without my doctor calling and interpreting it for me beforehand.

After 24 hours I was finally put in touch with my doctor.

And again, there wasn't much he could tell me. Yes, I have two growths on my thyroid, but he reassured me that they were small in size for "growths". And while it's uncommon to have growths on your thyroid, it's not uncommon for people with hyperthyroidism. But, I'd have to ask my endo for percentages. He did say that there are people with my condition who have nodules on their thyroid and they don't affect them in any way. My thyroid itself is normal in size and not disfigured in any way...except for the growths that is.

But, as far as what the masses are...he is not able to order any additional tests to discover that. I have to wait for my apt. with my endo and she will order more tests...likely a biopsy he said.

Great. Just great. A biopsy. A big old long needle being stabbed into my neck.

And, just to make matters worse...I had the great idea to ask him, "so, based on the information we have so far, what are the chances that this could be cancerous?"

His response...he very optimistically replied, "well, less than 50%!"

Ugh....clearly he said that hoping to make me feel better....but it didn't really work so well.

So now...I have two "nodules" that may or may not be cancerous....but I don't know because I can't get into see my endocrinologist until May. 

Wow.

I go from being fine a month ago, except having a pesky rapid heart rate...to finding out over night I have hyperthyroidism, and then discovering I have masses growing on my thyroid, that might be cancerous.

Crazy how fast life can change. And I'm figuring out it just isn't what you expect it's going to be.

Obviously I knew that. I knew that.

But it seems even more real now. Because now, I'm dealing with my life. My physical life. And there's just something about the idea that it may be in jeopardy that makes you just a little bit more desperate. 

Uncertainty is rough. Or at least I'm finding it to be. I've never faced so much uncertainty as I have in these past twelve days.

It's one matter to know. To know what awaits you. What a situation holds. Some idea of what the end result will be. But it's another matter entirely to live in a state of uncertainty. And right now there is no escaping it. There is uncertainty surrounding me on all sides. The unknown is haunting me. I feel it trying to close in around me....suffocate my assurance and peace of mind.

It is leaving me feeling bombarded. Out of control. Needy.

And undeniably desperate.

And for a girl who's prided herself on being "strong"....this is one hard pill to swallow.

To feel desperate. And weak.

Desperate for life. His bread of life. The only bread capable of sustaining me.

My Mom said she is going to be praying that Jesus just shrinks up these nodules and they disappear before my appointment. And I thought, that's a pretty big prayer.

But so was this..."My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39

That was the biggest prayer Jesus could have prayed. He prayed to not have to die. To take this cup from Him. He didn't for one second shy away from presenting God with His biggest request. The absolute biggest thing He could have prayed for, He did.


And so am I. 

Because this is my year of specific. And there is nothing more I would like than to have these nodules cease to exist when I go to visit the Endo. For the Lord in His almighty unfathomable God power to shrink up these growths to nothing. Nothing. Not even a remnant. Will God do it? I don't know. But it's not going to stop me from praying it. 

And in the mean time....praying for the Lord to sustain me in my new desperate state. And He is. He is faithful. Lavishing on me peace when fear is trying to break in. Bestowing His assurance when uncertainty threatens to rob me of hope. Granting rest when chaos tries to reign.

May seems like an awful long time to wait. But it's all in God's timing. And God's timing is always on time. 

So here is desperate me with my two little cuties putting my hope and trust in our really big mass shrinking God. And no matter the circumstances of this life He brings my way to walk in, He is faithful and walking with me always. And so....

A-shi-ra, a-shi-ra, a-shi-ra!!!!

I will sing, I will sing, I will sing!!!!