"We wait in hope for the Lord"

If I could sum up these last four years of our on-going adoption process in just four words, it would be this.....

just out of reach.

It's always, just out of reach.

Every time I feel like we make some head way and get a little bit closer, poof, there it goes again, just out of reach.

Always too far away to touch.

I feel so often like I am caught swimming in the middle of a rough ocean and I can see the life preserver floating nearby, but every time I swim closer and reach out to grab it, a wave pushes it too far away to grasp.

That has been our adoption story. Headway immediately followed by recession.

It's like I'm ten years old in the middle of a game of "keep away".

We had dinner with Ruth two Fridays ago. We talked about our adoption. We asked her how long she thought it would take for the director to make a decision concerning our paperwork and matching request. She informed us that the director of placements does not have the sole authority to make decisions about placements with children and potential families. There is a committee that makes those decisions, but the director does have a lot of influence.

She then went on to say.....the committee only meets once a quarter to discuss new matches.

And not only do they only meet once a quarter, in very Burkinabé fashion they have no specific date when they meet. It's just whenever. Whenever they feel like it. Whenever they get bored. Whenever they all happen to be in the same room for the first time in four months. Just, whenever strikes their fancy.

So, what we originally, naively, thought would be handled in a matter of days....has again turned into months.

But yet it's all about the kids, right? Everything is in the best interest of the kids they say. I mean, we wouldn't want to make them wait an unnecessary amount of time and further delay their entrance into a family for no good stinkin' reason, now would we? Oh, apparently they do. Because they only meet once a quarter....so everyone just has to sit around and wait...and wait, until they feel like havin' a meeting. As if having to spend your childhood living in an orphanage without the love and care of a family wasn't hard enough, they are going to make them wait even longer and draw out their time because the committee doesn't feel it necessary to meet more than once every three months.

What. a. joke. How the heck do you go about justifying that those actions, or lack there of, are in the best interest of the children? It's just not right.

And I don't get it. I don't want to get it. It makes my blood boil because it's absolutely preposterous.

Honestly, I am frustrated. I am weary from waiting. From never feeling any closer to closure. Frustrated from knowing that the little boy we hope to adopt will have to celebrate another birthday in an orphanage. That he will have to keep waking up in a home that's not his own.

Frustrated from seeing this get dragged out for so long.

I still have faith that this will happen, I have not lost hope....I just really hope I don't have to wait twenty five years like Sarah to receive her son. Or twenty years like Rebekah. Or wander in the desert for forty years.

Sometimes....sometimes, I tell myself that God is waiting for me to pray more, or fast, or do something significant....as if I have to earn his blessing. I think that would be easier to believe, because at least it gives me the illusion of some control, like if I only do this, this, and this, we'll get our son. That it's up to me. That I need to do more to save him and make this happen for my family....

I know better of course. I know God doesn't work like that. But it's hard because we hear that so much in church circles....

People say, "You need to pray about this!" "If you want to see God move you need to fast!" "If you want to see God move a mountain you need to fast but not just alone, with twenty other people now!" "Waiting for a prayer to be answered? You need to seek wise council and prayer from elders!" "You need to make sure there is no unconfessed sin in your life" "You need to be reading God's word everyday, every hour, every minute!" "You need to praise Him in worship" "You need a pastor to lay hands on you!" "You need to get on your knees" "You need to pray out loud!" "You need to fold your hands like this, and bow your head like that." "You need to never doubt because you're limiting God." "You need to serve more" "sing more" "tithe more" "read more" "pray more" "fast more" "be more" 

"do more, more, more, more, more more!!!" 

"And then God will answer your prayer."

That's what we hear. That's what we're conditioned to believe.

And it's exhausting, this checklist that we spout off.

We act like we have to tally off this inventory of items in order for God to move on our behalf. We act like He's a robot that we can control if we only input the correct equation. But if that were the case, if it were up to us, If God worked like that, if there was a certain sequence of things we could do to make God move....then people would never die. We would never get cancer and diseases. We could just pray them away. People would never be poor, because everyone would have enough money to meet all of their needs. Marriages would never break up, adoptions would always work out, jobs would never be lost, we'd never have any pain or suffer any losses and always get what we want.....because we figured out how to control God based on the code we've been instructed to initiate.

But we can't control God anymore than we can control the weather. He's not a robot we can manipulate to do what we please.

Of course, the bible tells us to pray. And fast. And give. And serve. And worship Him.

But it's not telling us to do those things with the intention of trying to manipulate God and earn His favor and goodwill. We are to do those things out of the over flow of love we have for Him. To align out hearts with God's will for our lives. To draw into a closer more intimate relationship with Him. Because He is good, and worthy of every sacrifice and praise we offer Him. 

There are still many times that I have to remind myself in moments of weakness that there is not a spiritual agenda I must adhere to to earn His blessing and favor.

I can't imagine the pain and frustration Sarah must have felt in all her years of waiting. After years and years of hearing from God and not seeing the fruit of his promise and wondering if it was her that was holding things up. The frustration of the Israelites living forty years wandering in the desert and not knowing if they would live to see the promised land.

I want to wait patiently on the Lord. I want to believe with everything that I am that He is good and faithful because He simply is, and not because my actions dictate it to be so.

In my current Beth Moore bible study, The Patriarch's, she says this past week when discussing Rebekah's conniving play to bring Jacob to prominence and fulfill God's plan for him, "God is the move maker. The same One who makes the promises fulfills the promises-without our manipulation."

If God made the promise, God will fulfill the promise. 

I want to rest in the assuredness that God is in control and all things will work together for our good. That God will bring this promise within reach at the appointed time. That there is purpose in all of this. I want to be obedient to all He asks, not because it will make Him move faster, but because it produces holiness in me and is pleasing to Him. I want to have faith that all of this waiting, these years of waiting, our little guy having to stay in the orphanage, are for the intention of producing a bountiful harvest in us. To grow our faith. To rely on Him. To produce patience. To leave no doubt that God is mighty and powerful and able to birth impossibilities on our behalf and for His glory.

"Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;

it is fitting for the upright to praise him.

Make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.

Sing to him a new song;

play skillfully, and shout for joy.

For the word of the LORD is right and true;

he is faithful in all he does.

The LORD loves righteousness and justice;

the earth is full of his unfailing love.

By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,

their starry host by the breath of his mouth.

He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;

he puts the deep into storehouses.

Let all the earth fear the LORD;

let all the people of the world revere him.

For he spoke, and it came to be,

he commanded, and it stood firm.

The LORD foils the plans of the nations;

he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.

But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,

the purposes of his heart through all generations.

Blesses is the nation whose God is the LORD,

the people he chose for his inheritance.

From heaven the LORD looks down 

and sees all mankind;

from his dwelling place he watches 

all who live on earth-

he who forms the hearts of all,

who considers everything they do.

No king is saved by the size of his army;

no warrior escapes by his great strength.

A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;

despite all its great strength it cannot save.

But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,

on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

to deliver them from death 

and keep them alive in famine.

We wait in hope for the LORD;

he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

May your unfailing love be with us LORD,

even as we put our hope in you."

-Psalm 33