This wasn't part of my plan

I need to get some thoughts out right quick.....

I need more of Jesus, like, a lot more. I'm talking a lot lot lot more.
I am disappointed.
I am confused.
I feel like I am walking blind.
I thought I was done.
I thought I was on the exit ramp from this "land between".
Turns out I'm still in the "land between".
Starting to wonder how long am I gonna be here?
I need more faith.
I need to not worry about tomorrow, or two weeks from now.
I want to see God's hand in this.
I feel like we all (my family) paid our dues, sacrificed, and we should be done.
Wondering what went wrong?
I don't want to think about what's next.
I need more faith because actually having to walk by faith is a lot harder than just talking about it.
And having the kind of faith that can say to a mountain "move" and it will move. Yeah, I'd like some a that. 
I feel like I've been doing this walking by faith thing a lot lately.
Nothing is impossible for God, and I need to say it until that truth is oozing from my pores.
I'm tired and need to rest in Him.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will never leave me or forsake me, I just wish I had more than a flashlight's view of Him in my life sometimes.
I thought the walls of Jericho were rubble at my feet, but apparently I'm still marching around the city.
I feel like I'm beating discouragement back with a stick and the only stick I have in my disposal is prayer.

uhhhhh...there's more floating around in there but I'll settle for getting the rest of it out later.

I went to my Endo Friday morning for my six week check up following my treatment.

And it didn't go exactly like I'd hoped.

Immediately she told me she suspects my levels are still high. She concluded that from the fact that my hands still had tremors in them, I have lost five pounds since my last apt. eight weeks ago, and my heart is still beating forcefully. All things that apparently shouldn't still be happening after radiation treatment.

And she was right. My blood work came back later that day revealing that the radiation didn't work exactly as we hoped. In fact, it looks like it barely worked it all. It only lowered my levels from 2.72 down to 2.61. I need to be down to 1.55 just to be at the very highest normal. Like, not even to be within normal range, just to be at the very top.

And it came down by one tenth. 

One tenth.

One fa.lipp.'in tenth.

Now this would be really encouraging if there was like a nuclear fallout or something and I knew I had some freaky ability to withstand radiation. But, unfortunately, it kinda wasn't the plan for my thyroid to withstand it. It was kinda the plan for the radiation to kill it. And not only did it not kill it, it barely made a dent in it!

So now I have some freak of nature strong thyroid that is screaming, "screw you radiation, I ain't buckling over and dying. You're gonna have to cut me up and take me out if you want me to stop!"

Dang, when did I get such temperamental body parts?

Radioactive iodine treatment has a success rate of 75-100% being completely cured. Like, completely cured, thyroid killed, no longer functioning.

Oh really?

Wow, I'm so not even close to that.

I actually couldn't be father away from that if I tried. I'm not even close to being at the top of normal...let alone far below it.

Pesky little butterfly shaped tissue with a life like a cockroach! Errrr.

I am so disappointed and frustrated. Because, this was suppose to work. I mean, it works, it's highly successful. It works on practically everyone else, and for those it doesn't, well, I never expected to be one of them. I expected to be in the majority. And I can't even imagine how much more radiation they would have to give me to stop it a second time. If the dosage I received last time only brought it down by one tenth....well...I might as well get used to glowing and growing another set of arms because it seems to me like they're gonna have to give me A LOT more.

(I mean neon green is an okay color and all but I'd prefer to glow in hot pink if given a preference. And growing two extra pairs of mutant arms wouldn't be so bad, I would get a lot more work done.
But if the extra radiation makes my thyroid grow jazz hands and mock me while singing show tunes, then I'll draw the line and cut that freaky gland out myself. )

Anyways, all I know is that God has blown all my expectations way out the window and I'm left shaking my head wondering, "what.is.going.on?"

Yeah, I don't even know. It's just kinda beyond me at the moment. I've come to the end of myself, a-gain.

I go back in two weeks to test again, and I'm just praying that in that time God will supernaturally lay His hands on my thyroid and slow it down, since the radiation apparently couldn't do the trick. Because it's either that, or have a higher second dose of radiation or....surgery. Neither of which sound terribly appealing.

But even as I write that prayer, and actually pray that prayer for God's healing, I can't help but think to myself...."yeah, that would be nice, but I doubt it will happen that way." And I don't think that's the type of faith Jesus was talking about in Luke 7:50, 8:48, 17:6, 17:19, 18:42. And that's the kind of faith I want. The kind of faith that can say, "go plant yourself in the sea mulberry tree" and it does. The kind of faith that will believe Jesus IS gonna heal me. Not if, but IS. That kind. The kind that stands in the middle of a raging river and watches the water recede around my feet. The kind of faith that shouts forth in victory and praise and watches walls crumble down around me, without ever having to lay a hand on them. That kind. The mountain movin' storm stoppin' river receding kind of faith.

I get so blind to my own shortcomings with God. I thought my faith was pretty strong. Until I got knocked back down again and life didn't turn out exactly like I hoped and God was like, "uh huh, yeah, see that right there. We need to work on that. This thing you call faith needs a makeover cause it ain't lookin' so good."

Because it's one thing to pray. It's one thing to pray and specifically ask God for our heart's desires, and lay our specific unique requests at His throne. But it's another thing altogether to believe. To actually have faith that what you're praying for will be answered. I can pray specifically till I'm blue in the face...but if I don't think God will actually do it...well, where's the faith in that?

And that's the kind of faith I need. The kind that believes God can do the impossible. Not just sayin' that He can. But believing, having confidence, full trust, assurance, freedom from doubt, certainty.... that He CAN, that He WILL, and that He already HAS.

That's what I'm lookin' for. Now just to go get me some. :~)

(And maybe stop imagining that my body parts can talk, sing, dance, and put on a whole Broadway spectacle while mocking me with their Incredible Hulk super power capabilities.)