Seven Days of Solitude

I returned home Friday mid morning from my week long medically required retreat here in Spirit Lake, Iowa.

I was greeted by long slow motion runs with arms stretched out as far as humanly possible with shreaks of "Mooooooooommmmmmmyyyyyyyy!!!!"

It.was.fabulous.

I will never forget the girls when they saw me coming. Or how Sydaleigh was just bubbling over at the mouth not able to hardly even take a breath so excited to tell me everything. And Marvelly hugging my wrist and putting her cheek on the back of my hand telling me how glad she was I'm home. Or Isaak spilling over with joy at having me back.

Again....it.was.fabulous.

And oh so good to be home.

It is good to be home with my family.
It is good to be home with fresh perspective.
It is good to be home with renewed spirit.

It is just simply, so fantastically good....to be home....( I don't think I can say that enough right now.)

My seven days of solitude were an interesting time.

I packed loads of things to occupy myself while I was away.

 
And I was so humbly blessed with even more stuff to occupy myself while I was away. (a big thank you to Kristine, Holly, Liz, Beccy, Kara, Bekah, Isaak, Alexis, and Brooke!!!!! Y'all are the best!)

The thing that I was most worried about (not including the radiation aspect)...was being bored. What in the world was I going to do with seven days and nights just for me? Surely I was bound to get restless. Surely I was going to have long periods of staring at a spot on the ceiling...wai-ting for the time to.pass.

Or so I thought.

But actually....what I was MOST surprised to find at the end of my week...is that the time passed pleasantly, at a nice speed, with no boredom. I had more than enough to occupy my time. Plenty of books and movies. A 1000 piece puzzle that I finished thank you very much!

A beach to sit at, a lake to look at, antique stores to stroll in, bistro's to lounge in, plenty of music to listen to, lots of friends to talk to (over the phone)....it was just all more than I could have hoped for. And then the end of the week came and I was surprised at how quickly it arrived. And to that I say a big ole whoppin' "thank.you.Jesus".

And the other thing that I was most surprised to find during my retreat...was how much I desperately wanted human contact.

I hadn't given that notion any thought leading up to this. I didn't think for a second I'd be craving human contact. I was so concerned about not being bored...and keeping my salivary glands from clogging....that it didn't occur to me I'd might actually miss people (aside from my family).

Turns out I did. A LOT. Like, a lot a lot.

I found myself going down to the beach, sitting on a picnic bench, standing on my balcony...just in hopes of seeing people. Not even with hopes of talking to them...just seeing.

It was weird. And I wasn't even aware that's what I was doing for the first couple of days. But by Wednesday....I was very aware of the fact that I was hungry for contact. Conversation. Smiles. Little "hello's". Hand shakes. Whatever. Anything.

In fact I got so hungry for company that I started trying to talk to the stray animals that lived on the resort. (seriously....what's left to be embarrassed about after you admit to something like this. :~) )
As if the people there didn't think I was weird enough already, a guy caught me following and trying to lure a cat over to me. I was like, "A CAT!.......come here, come here kitty kitty...I won't hurt you....."

I got a lot of pinched eyebrows "what a weirdo" kinda looks.

And then I found that this stray cat that I followed and talked to periodically had a litter of kittens nesting under some bushes.

Kittens?! Oh lordy....I can not resist me some cutie cute kittens even when I'm not starved for company!

So....I bent down for thirty minutes in the grass trying to coax them out. Except you couldn't see the kittens from other than where I was kneeling. So passersby probably thought I was talking to the bush. For thirty minutes.

Which I 'm sure was again followed by pinched eyebrows and "hurry children, keep moving...don't get too close to her" kinda looks.

Oh well I say. :~) Good think I don't embarrass too easily. 

And then there was the whole bird fiasco.

I make no secret of the fact that I don't hold a very special place in my heart for winged creatures. But, it was like day four or five ( I wasn't myself :~) )....I was on the beach, soaking up the rare appearance of sun, reading, and all of a sudden I hear this frantic flapping noise. I look around and see this bird hanging upside down with his leg caught in fishing string that someone had left on the beach. He was flapping and flapping, desperate to try to loosen himself from the strings hold....but unsuccessful.

Crap. I hate birds. Does no one else see him? Will no one else help him?

Dang. No matter how much I don't particularly like birds...I can't leave him there...all helpless and dangling. Plus...I'm a mom darn it! I will NOT sit by when something needs me! So I sprang into action! I ran up to the people on the beach and asked if they had anything to cut loose that poor bird (here come those crazy looks again)...and no one did...or would admit they did so that I wouldn't linger too close for too long. I spot a fisherman far off on one of the docks and start running to him. I tell him what it's all about and he pulls out some cutting device thingy and wishes me luck. I run back (secretly hoping the bird is still there so I can help him-sad, I know) and sure enough, he's there, still dangling.

I have the attention of the other loungers on the beach at this point, staring and gawking as I jump into the sand and dash to the poor helpless victim of litter.

I get as close as possible to the bird. Well as close as I felt comfortable without fearing he would stab me with his beak....cut that fishing line and watched him fly to freedom! Oh yes I did!


Followed by a few short "yeah, you did it!" from my starers and gawkers.

It was a proud moment.

 (the fishing line and the boat lift that he dangled from)

Anyways.

When I wasn't busy risking my limbs from beak stabbings in order to save distressed birds...(and talking to cats)...my days were fairly uneventful. Well, except for that whole tornado thing. That was eventful, and I was probably a little too excited to hunker down in the "tunnel" with the rest of the resort folk to escape impending doom, but I just couldn't help be a tad bit gitty with my close proximity to people! When the weather had cleared and the tornadoes had fizzled back up to the clouds they opened the doors so we could go back to our rooms....I was like, "Are you sure we can't stay down here a little longer, what's the rush, sit, stay, talk to me, I'm not weird I promise!"

So, aside from the animal and tornado stuff...it was very peaceful.

I had plenty of time to photograph, just for me, my style...

It felt like the old days trekking across the great state of California with a slew of other photographers in tow, photographing from sun up till way past sun down. I loved those days. And it kinda felt like that again...accept without the slew of other photographers with me part. But still great! If only I had remembered to bring my tripod.....

I sat here, a lot. Reading. Watching the water. Trying to make myself less white (didn't have much success on that last one...darn Nebraska winters.)

I went for long drives with the radio blasting looking for wind farms...because I have a deep love for wind turbines. There's just somethin' about them that makes me bubble over with delight. And lucky for me I was completely surrounded by them. :~)

Through all of this though.....

......I kept waiting for that moment.

That one moment where I would have this amazing "come to Jesus, angels singin' in the sky, Hallelujah shoutin' ".....moment.

A monumental thought.

A life changing spiritual breakthrough.

I kept waiting. Praying. Thinking. Praying some more. Not wanting to waste this week of solitude. Wanting to leave different...and better than when I came.

And then finally, my week was over.

And there were no angels shoutin' Hallelujah in the sky.
No monumental thought.
No earth shattering spiritual breakthrough.

Instead, however, there were sweet encouragements.
Soft whispers of His great love. 
And subtle reminders of all those little things I needed reminding of.

Subtle reminders about the importance of community. And togetherness. The reminder that we're not suppose to do life alone. 

All week long I carried this deep ache for company. Well shoot, contact at all. I felt starved of it. Thirsty. Being so alone felt....unnatural. Because it is....

"By instinct, we humans want someone by our side in the hospital the night before surgery, in the nursing home as death looms near, in any great moment of crisis. We need the reassuring touch of human presence-solitary confinement is the worst punishment our species has devised." -Philip Yancey, The Jesus I Never Knew

That's what it felt like. Solitary confinement. That's exactly what it was. And I was filled with the greatest sense of loneliness I had ever felt. Even with the Lord's presence as my portion and my cup, I just couldn't seem to shake my ache for human presence. It was unsettling. A feeling that I was very unfamiliar with.

"Even Jesus never tried to hide his loneliness and dependence on other people. He chose His disciples not as servants, but as friends....and that night in Gethsemane, 'He began to be sorrowful and trouble,' says Matthew. He felt 'deeply distressed,' adds Mark. Both writers record his plaintive words to the disciples: 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.' Often Jesus had gone off by himself to pray sometimes sending the disciples away in a boat so he could spend the night alone with the Father. This night, though, he needed their presence....I detect in the Gospel's account of Gethsemane a profound depth of loneliness that Jesus had never before encountered." -Philip Yancey: The Jesus I Never Knew

There's just something about the way God created us that is meant to be in the presence of other people. God's original design for humanity never involved solitude....


"The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.' " 

Adam lived in the presence of God Himself and the rest of creation. And still, still, God recognized that Adam needed someone like him. No matter how perfect the original design, Adam would never be able to fully relate to God. You just can't. We will never be equal. As humans created by an uncreated God we can not ever fathom the extent of God's godliness. Because we ourselves are created...we can't fully comprehend how something can be uncreated. Yet God is. This aspect, in addition to the multitude of other things that sets God apart from us...in His great mercy He created a counterpart that was equal to Adam. God made for him a helper. Someone to walk with and talk to. Someone to work alongside. Someone to share the joys of life...and the eventual sorrows.

We were not created to go through life alone. "We aren't suppose to run up those hills by ourselves." ; )

And when God Himself stepped into humanity...He played by the rules. And not even He would escape this absoluteness.

I think it's easy to say, "I just want to be left alone" when times get hard and frustrating. When the whining of children is grating on my last nerve....it's too easy to say, "I just wish I could go somewhere and be alone and not be needed by anyone for just a little while!" We seek aloneness thinking it's more desirable than being in the company of others. Not that there's anything wrong with enjoying quiet moments and having personal time ( I still need that-everyday!)...but I think when that aloneness is preferred as a means of a cop out....to slink away from hard moments, convicting behavior, as a means of shutting the world away...that is not what God intended for us.

"So many times we try to experience God in these quiet places among nature-which is fine-but think about what scripture teaches....'When you go out making disciples I'll be with you. When you feed the least of these it's like you're feeding Me.' We think we have to find God by getting away from everyone, but it could be God's spirit is saying, 'find Me by going and ministering to other people!' "-Francis Chan- Forgotten God video


Find Me by engaging in community. By seeking to build relationships. By loving the lost. By being vulnerable with a friend. By letting people in. By calling a family member who hurt you. By checking on a neighbor.

By not going through life alone. 

So yeah, subtle reminders. Simple truths respoken. Sweet quiet moments where I could feel God taking inventory of my heart, pointing out areas that need to be refined...and starting to tweak them more to His image-in my marriage, in my parenting, in my friendships, in just who He has called me to be.

It was a nice tuneup. A much needed tune-up.

And it was a more than nice time away.

I didn't like the idea of leaving at first, but now I am oh so grateful to have had that time. To be given that opportunity. To even have had the opportunity.....my blessings are immense.

And He is oh so good. :~)