Re-entry thoughts...five days back

I used a dishwasher yesterday, for the first time in over four years. And I was immediately reminded of why I stopped using a dishwasher when we lived in Nebraska....because they do not clean. So, it is now serving as a nice drying rack for all the dishes I'm accustomed to hand washing.

I went to the commissary on base today, my first grocery store, for the first time. I couldn't quite think straight. All that food. Grocery stores are hard for me. I don't really know where to start, or what to look for when I'm in there. Because there's just so much. It's a lot to take it. I don't understand how there can be this much food in one place. There was over 12 different kinds of Ego waffles. It's just, all there. So much of everything. So much cheese. So much food. Six days ago I was back in Burkina and there was no bread at Bingos. Now I can buy twenty different kinds of bread. How did I get back here? Just like that. A plane ride. And we are here. I had to turn my mind off and just get what I came for. I bought exactly twenty one items. They all fit nicely into a little basket. Except it was one too many items for the express lane. So I had to use the regular lane. And when the gentleman helped me push my groceries to my car he waited with his hand out for me to tip him. He wanted a tip. Huh.

I went to the library this morning too. I took the kids to get some books. And I happen to arrive at story time. So the place was filled with mommies and strollers and lots of kids. I was looking for a video to rent and a mommy standing next to me was gushing to her friend about how fat her baby is and how she is growing so much and is wearing 24 month clothes already. She wowed back, clearly impressed. I didn't tell her that my son is five and wears 24 month old pants. And afterwards when we were walking to the car there was a group of mommies with their kids and their strollers huddled under a tree by a picnic table. I watched them as I walked by. Feeling nothing.

I drove to the gas station. This big gas station with lots of pumps. It was nice and clean. No one was loitering outside and jamming their hands inside my window trying to sell me minutes or asking me for money. It was very quiet. Very clean. No motos trying to maneuver their way in front of me to the one working pump. It was very tame. Very.....quiet. It's so different here.

I had to drive through D.C. traffic yesterday. I drove 26 miles and it took 1 hour and 40 minutes for us to get home (very thankful I won't have to deal with D.C. traffic often!) There were just so many cars. A sea of cars, as fas as the eye could see. There was no getting away from it. But despite the congestion and massive amounts of vehicles on the road...driving here is orderly. People drive three feet away from each other at 70 miles and hour. There are white lanes and shoulders and off ramps and HOV lanes and sidewalks and working traffic lights that everyone obeys. So when the crotch rocket blasted past me with the rider doing a wheelie at 70 miles an hour and started zig zagging in and out of traffic....it's no wonder why driving here makes me anxious. It's so orderly. You don't expect people to act crazy and drive however they want here. You can let your guard down a little bit, turn on the cruise control, turn up the music and relax.  In Burkina you can never let your guard down. You have to be ultra observant all the time. Taking into account cars, motor, bicycles, bush taxis, walkers of all ages, donkey carts, cows, chickens, goats, sheep, pot holes, no working lights or signs at intersections. The roads are crazy and people drive crazy and you go out and expect it to be crazy and you drive accordingly and you don't get mad or anxious ( I didn't) when you are surprised or someone or something does something unexpected, because you are always prepared for the unexpected. As best as one can be. I liked that. I did well with that. I don't like the driving here.

Isaak made eggs for dinner last night. I think those were the biggest eggs I've ever seen. I don't remember eggs being this big before we left. Maybe they were? I didn't want to eat them, though, because eggs should not be that big. I mean, these were unnaturally big. I really don't think it's normal for eggs to be so large....I miss normal sized eggs.

I couldn't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off in our car yesterday...so I just drove around with them on. Front and back. What can I say, it's a new car (new for us). Thankfully Isaak showed me how to turn them off so that I don't look like a weirdo driving around with my wipers on when it's not raining. I also plowed over a median with the car right before I realized I couldn't get my wipers off. This freakin' van....the front is so gosh darn big I can't see anything! How am I suppose to drive a minivan again? Ugh, I miss my Jeep.

It rained yesterday, for a little bit in the evening. We were walking to the hotel and it was raining, nice and soft. Except I didn't care. I wanted to care and be excited and jump for joy like in Burkina. But it doesn't feel the same.....

We had to drive to Richmond on Saturday, the morning after we landed to bring my mom to her car. We got on the road shortly before lunch time, and everyone was hungry, so we pulled into a Taco Bell and had food in two minutes. Two. Minutes. Like, literally two minutes......the fact that you can get food that fast and can show up at any restaurant and get food whenever you want is just crazy. We ate at a McDonald's that was open 24 hours. Food is available twenty four hours a day. I can just, not wrap my head around the luxury of it all. It's so convenient, so easy.

We visited our house on Monday. We got to walk though it in person for the first time. And after we left both me and Isaak started having some serious doubts about whether this was the house we were suppose to buy. Not exactly great timing since we're suppose to close on it in seven days. So, we are spending most of the day tomorrow looking at different houses with our realtor, just to be sure we're making the right choice. To say this is stressful would be an understatement. I can't get the kids registered for school until we know where we're going to live. Time's a tickin'. It's hard to deal with this, on top of the jet lag, and readjusting to life here. And not feeling qualified to drive a minivan anymore apparently.

Isaak started work bright and early on Monday morning. No time off. No break to get situated. It's how the military rolls. Gotta love it. Also, Steve had his first doctor's appointment yesterday...which is why we were driving back from D.C. during rush hour. Isaak set us up with a po box temporarily until we get settled, somewhere. We got Steve registered for a SSN now that he is recognized as a legit American...thank you immigration.

It's been busy. Very very busy. And stressful. It's just so different here. Life is so different. Hardly the same at all. I need to keep reminding myself that different isn't bad, or wrong, it's just different. The same advice I spoke over myself when adjusting to life in Burkina. It's just gonna take a while to adjust back, to how things used to be. If they ever do. 

I will say it has been really beautiful watching the girls rediscover simple joys about America. On Sunday they rolled down a hill over and over and over again (grass!) and roamed through a little patch of grass picking up dandelions. They haven't seen dandelions in a few years. And then Sydaleigh found a "helicopter" in the grass and picked it up and said, " hey! I remember these!" And threw it in the air and watched it spin back to earth. We've gotten to roll the windows down in the car and breathe in the cool fresh air. It feels so good to ride in the car with the windows down again. Driving with the windows down, grass, dandelions, "helicopters"...simply pleasures to find joy and peace in....I'll take it. Sometimes the simplest pleasures are the greatest pleasures. That is a big lesson I have come to learn. And one that I'm holding tight to in the midst of adjusting and the stress of re-entry and figuring life out and all the details that go into starting over.

But we're doing okay. I just feel like I'm in this weird twilight zone right now. Neither here nor there. Not connected to either place I used to live anymore. Just, floating somewhere in the middle.

But it's only been five days....I'm confident that I won't be floating forever. I just need some time to figure out where to land......