Two weeks in.

The house is experiencing a somewhat rare and peacefully quiet moment right now. There is a stray afternoon April shower coming down as I type, Steven is sleeping, and Marvelly is playing quietly on my bed.

I know I should be sleeping too, but the sound of the rain beckons me to stay awake and soak it all in. A gift, it is. I really do love the rain. It fills me with peace. And I hate to miss it by sleeping.

I am pretty tired these days. Life since we brought Steven home has taken on a new level of chaos and energy that we haven't experienced....well, ever. The beauty, and also adjustment, of bringing home another child.

His sleep is very unpredictable. Which is one reason why I am so tired. It is just like when we brought home our newborns, sometimes they slept well, sometimes they didn't. C'est la vie. And such is the case with our new little man. Last night he was up every twenty minutes or so. He couldn't stay asleep, for whatever reason, and kept getting out of bed. First my mom was in with him. Then Isaak stayed with him. Then I let Isaak finish the remaining hours before dawn in our bed and I parked it on his floor for the remainder of the night. He tossed and turned and woke up repeatedly most of the night, and by 6am he had had enough of his fitful sleep and called it quits and got up for good.

Most nights these days are like that. Me and Isaak alternate sleeping in his room on the floor. There has been a few days since he came home that both him, and us, are gifted with a good night's sleep and he doesn't wake till dawn (he's a 4-5am kinda waker!) and everyone awakes refreshed from having slept soundly. But those are few and far between at the moment.

I remember these days vividly from when the girls were babies. And I gotta admit...I did not miss them.

But just like with the girls, I know this will not last forever. Eventually Steven will get accustomed to sleeping in a room without ten other children and tantes. One day he will trust that we are still there, even in the dark of the night, and he is not alone. One day he will feel secure to go back to sleep without needing us in there with him. One day he will be comfortable laying down in his bed to sleep for both naps and bedtime without us laying on the floor beside him. But we know that will take time. And until then I just pray, sometimes pretty mightily!, for the Lord's grace each morning I wake up, to love my family well even in my fatigue. And to not harbor crankiness and irritability against them because I am tired.

There are lots of tired momma's out there. I am no exception. And in the middle of the night while I am awake my mind often wanders to the other momma's out there who are undoubtedly up with their children, rocking them to sleep, singing to them softly, swaying them in their arms, giving them bottles, or nursing, all in a desperate attempt to coax the baby back to sleep so they too can follow them and rest their weary eyes.

God bless all the momma's out there. I'm proud to be in such an important club with such amazing women. It's not easy....but it's great.

Aside from the lack of sleep, I am trying to find balance in the newness of life these days. Personal time has dwindled down to virtually nothing right now. And that has been an adjustment too. The constant need to always be needed and not have much time to myself has me praying for patience and joy more than I've had to do in a good long while. I have grown accustomed to the bits of more personal freedom I have earned since the girls have grown slightly older. But with Steven joining our family, his needs are very pressing and they demand most of my time and overlap the time I also must give the girls. So I'm being pulled in lots of directions and I'm trying to navigate and learn how to adjust to the newness of three children with grace.

I must admit....I've noticed in myself, a little bit of crazy wakes up in me when I haven't even had time to pee without someone banging on the door or calling to me from another room, because of course, in true mommy fashion, your kids will be alerted to your absence even if you sneak away covertly and they will track. you. down (eh hem, Steven, I'm talkin' to you boy =) ) and demand an explanation for your need to pee in private!

So, trying to figure out how to manage my time is challenging. The house has taken on a new level of disarray that I am just letting be. Stacks and stacks of everything are piling up around every room, and I'm letting them. I don't have the energy right now to spend what little time I get to myself on organizing and decluttering. It's driving me crazy, but I'm learning to just let it be. And God bless Odette for coming three days a week to deep clean for us...or else my toilets may never get clean.

Most things are in a state of adjustment, everything from our level of tiredness (last weekend while we had company over Steven woke up and needed to be put back to sleep, and I completely passed out next to his bed while I was waiting for him to fall back asleep and slept through the rest of our friend's visit and Isaak woke me up after everyone left....whoops! Bad hostess!), from how I prepare food, our bath time and bedtime routine, my personal hygiene ( I just want to tweeze my brows man!), time it takes to prepare to leave places...I mean, everything. There is no aspect of living that is not affected when another person is added to the family.

But, despite our increased fatigue, lack of personal time, the messy home, my increase in leg hair because I don't have time to shave (between my brows and my legs I be lookin' like Sasquatch up in here!), my tendencies to kill the cat because she keeps peeing all over Steve's room, and my frustrations over the lack of activities to do here in Burkina when I am desperate to get out of the house with the kids for a little change in pace....we're great!

Really, we are. The family is bonding and growing together each day. And right now, that is more important to me than having a clean home or a perfect night's sleep or "me" time. Those things will slowly but surely return, over time. But they are not the priority.

Right now bonding is the priority and growing together as a family. Discovering who Steve is since we missed out on his first four years of life. Figuring out his quirks, and habits, and patterns. What makes him laugh. Teaching him to talk, which he doesn't do yet. Setting boundaries. Sacrificing time spent doing other things to snuggle and play. Having dance parties with all the kids each night before bed. Assuring the girls over and over again through normal everyday connections that their relationship with us is not changing even though our family dynamics are. Making everyone feel secure. Watching the girls embrace their brother in their play. Listening to them speak French to him in an attempt to help him better understand, and encouraging their efforts to be involved as much as possible. Those are the priorities these days.

Our connecting is happening in small moments. Lots of small everyday moments.
It's happening.
We're doing it.
One step at a time we are doing it.