Our stuff arrived last night.

Our stuff has arrived. It actually arrived in Ouaga nine days ago, but it has been sitting at the airport waiting for arrangements to be made to deliver it.

We were allowed to pack so little. So what I packed, I packed with intention, thinking it would be only stuff we would truly want and need while in country.

And I thought that once it arrived I would be happy to see it.

But something happened to us these three, four weeks that our household goods have been gone......

....we learned to be content on less.

Less toys.
Less clothes.
Less shoes.
Less snacks.
Less movies.
Less decorations.
Less games.

Less of everything.

And we were perfectly happy.
We were perfectly content with less.

And then all these boxes started showing up. All our boxes of stuff. I sat in the living room reading to the girls as the men unloaded everything. I was fine at first. And then......a gentleman carried in a box of Doritos from our consumables. The packers in DC didn't wrap it, or put it in another box as it is already packaged and sealed up already. So there it was, plain as day, fifty little bags of Doritos.

And that's all it took.

Seeing that man carry in our Doritos; I was assaulted with a wave of shame.

Shame like I had never felt before.

I started looking around at everything they were bringing in, and I was embarrassed. Embarrassed because in my living room, no, not even my living room, in my hallway, was more food than most people here would see all year. Fifty pound bags of flour, thirty pound bags of rice, chips, pudding cups, cereal, peanut butter. Not to mention all of the toys and clothes and shoes. The heaping piles of dishes and mixing bowls. School supplies.Soap.

We have so much.

We have so much, and most here have so little in comparison.

I felt like I should be happy and grateful to the Lord for helping our stuff get here so quickly. But, I couldn't feel grateful. Which then made me feel even worse. Because all I could feel was shame. And disgust. And embarrassment. And I just wanted the workers to leave. I wanted them to be gone, to not look and see what we had. I wanted it all to disappear.

I wanted to go back to less.

Earlier in the day me and Isaak sat on the couches reading, and we looked at each other and mentioned, that if this is as much as we ever had here....that would be okay. If our stuff never arrived, it wouldn't be missed. The girls, having brought just two small toys with them in their backpacks here, have played with them contentedly. I packed a small portable DVD player and ten movies for the girls to watch. Out of those ten they have watched two. They've watched two movies. That's it. And now we have fifty more in a box somewhere. Fifty more movies that they were just as happy not to have because they were happy to not have even the ten that we packed.

The thing Sydaleigh told me she most wanted to play with when our goods arrived.....her "Whiz Gizmo". A "robot" she made out of shoe boxes before we left. Not her Barbies, not her Littlest Pet Shops, not her Polly Pockets. But a piece of cardboard.

And ten minutes after opening a box of forgotten toys the girls were already fighting over them.

Fighting over stuff. Stuff that ten minutes ago they didn't have and could of cared less about.

And now we have boxes upon boxes of it.

Every time I opened a box a wave of emotion would hit me and I'd want to cry. There was no sense of delight in getting to hang up pictures, or decorate, or put things away to make it feel more "homey."

It was already homey without all of it.

Finally I just gave up and went to bed. I couldn't look at any of it anymore. I talked to Jesus as I got ready for bed. Rambling, stringing words together, praying in broken sentences, telling Him I wanted to be grateful but didn't know how, I couldn't figure out how I should be feeling right now...praying for help to figure it out.

And then He helped me remember the boxes that were sitting in our house, early, because of Him, boxes filled with stuff we brought to give away....Disney toys, soccer balls, kites, baseball bats, clothes, shoes, gum, bracelets, jump ropes.....

....that helped. A little. :~)

I woke up this morning still feeling overwhelmed. I have not yet reconciled the war inside of feeling shame for all that we have, discontent for having more than we really need....but, in time I pray Jesus will help me work through that. And who knows? Maybe I won't. I don't really know.

But, regardless of how I am feeling right now and everything that I don't know....I do know that God is good. He has blessed us with all that we have. It is from His generous hands that we have it to begin with. It is for a purpose. And I will keep scaling and climbing and breathing and taking one step at a time. I will keep moving, determined to reach new heights in my walk with Jesus. No matter how many mountains I climb up and fall back down, no matter how many rocks I trip on, no matter how bruised and banged up I may get, no matter how many days I feel overwhelmed and stuck...I am determined to not leave here the same. I am determined to be changed by Him, for His glory.

Whatever that may look like......
However long it takes.....