I'm Melissa

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

My heart will sing no other name, Jesus

This has been an interesting year, and it's right at the half way point. A lot has happened. And I'm sure the rest of the year will have plenty more in store as well. I've had years all throughout my life that contained hard times, some really hard times, and the events I've experienced these past six months aren't necessarily as "hard" as times before, but they do have a different feeling about them. Since January there has been this consistent and permitted and surrendering of the chipping away of myself. Like God is in their with a pick, and He's chiseling away all that is not of Him. I've gone through the grind with God before, lots, but this feels....well, different. Because what He's chiseling off of me is different. It's lots of quiet parts that have been building up steadily over the years.

Like plaque buildup inside an artery....you don't even realize it's there, or how deadly it can be, until you're bent over gasping for air. These past six months have exposed some major plaque sticking around my heart. Plaque that has been slowly suffocating me. Plaque that I didn't even realize was there, until I was bent over, gasping for air. Suffocating over myself and all that I built up within me.

And it's been hard, chiseling it away. Because plaque builds up progressively, painlessly, and undercover. You'd think something so easy going on would be easy comin' off...but bad habits don't go down without some effort.

So, life moves steadily on...and then something will happen, God takes an x-ray, and low and behold...He reveals some plaque build up goin' on.

He starts chiseling.

Something else happens. God takes an x-ray. Oh, low and behold, more plaque, but over here this time. Time to start scrapin' that off.

Over and over and over again.

X-ray.plaque.chisel.

And every time He goes in and picks away at the plaque, He is removing something that is blocking more of Himself from me....

like....

self pity
complaining spirit
ungratefulness
selfishness
attention

The kind of stuff that sticks to ya. The kind of stuff that gets built up and built up, under the radar, a little bit at a time....and all things that hinder God in my life.

So, these past two weeks, again, have been filled with lots o' scraping and chiseling away. Two weeks ago, getting my lab results back and discovering my levels hadn't been affected by treatment, I found myself sprawled out on the operating table with God- again. It's getting to be a pretty familiar place by now. :~)

And looking back from today, it feels like God crammed years worth of Himself into those two weeks.
Years of digging, wrestling, searching, praying, Him guiding, reconfirming, expanding understanding... and scraping and reconstructing.

When it comes to spiritual matters I don't like to piddle paddle with God. I like to get down to it, determined to figure out what it causing my restless spirit. Determined to understand Him more. So through every confused supposed dead end, He would lead and provide and refresh me with His living water, reviving me to continue on. It was a gloriously wonderful terrible time! :~) Those are the best times.

Gosh I love Him. Even being in a place that I don't want to be in, He finds a way to just brighten it all up with His goodness. To make me smile. And laugh at myself while simultaneously crying over myself. To bring peace in uncertainty.

Only the LORD I tell ya.

These past two weeks....six months....He has reduced me. Like in Judges 7 where God reduces Gideon's army so that the Israelites would know that the victory was by HIS power, not theirs. That's what all this feels like. Being reduced. Less of me. More of Him. Taking things out of the picture so that I can better see Him and His power magnified in my life. Bringing me to the end of myself, so that He may shine. So that He can be praised. Scraping away all that hinders so I may fully recognize His majesty and goodness. Stripping away all that plaque so He may reside in my heart alone, without all that other junk competing for my attention.

These past two weeks I felt Him reduce me big time. In just about every way. He reduced me, my doctors....and left me kinda bare. Exposed and weak. I like to say "at the end of myself" because that's what my mind visualizes when I get to that place where I can't do anymore. That place where there is nothing left for me to do but rest in the Lord and wait on Him. That place where it's like, "all you God".... getting so familiar with that place.

And, that's where I rested since June 17th. On the Lord. And driving to the doctor on July 1st was one of absolute peace. And serenity. He scraped out fear. He drove out restlessness. No more confusion. Just absolute surrender to Him, and His great authority, and plan. 100% peace in Him.

Walking to the lab with hope. Regardless of the outcome. Finally able to take my eyes off of my circumstances. Finally able to keep them fully on the Lord. Finally able to see clearly. Words and truths and understanding echoing in my heart. Reduced...to just Him...stripped of all else unessential...."in order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her..."

Blood work came back later that afternoon revealing my levels plummeted.
Plummeted.
Total.nose dive.
*tears*

WHAT?!!! No more radiation. No need for surgery.

What seemed like such an impossibility two weeks ago, what seemed like such a daunting outcome, what I never expected God to do-He did. That and WAY more! Way way way more.

Reduced to see His glory. That I may not boast or hoard His attention. That I may praise Him for his good works. Nothing is too big for God. Nothing is too daunting. Nothing is impossible. Nothing is out of His reach -even if He chooses not to reach it.

How great is out mighty God!

"The sick are healed. The dead are raised. The lost are saved.

All condemned feel no shame. All the weak find their strength.

Hungry souls receive grace. The fatherless find their rest....

all at the sound of Your Great Name!

Redeemer, My Healer, Lord Almighty
My savior, Defender, You are My King!"

Natalie Grant-Your Great Name

"You are more, than my words will ever say

You are Lord, all creation will proclaim

You are here, in your presence I'm made whole

You are God, of all else I'm letting go!!"

-Shane Bernard-Forever Reign

Yippee Jesus for your mighty works, for your persistent pursuit of me, for your scraping away of all that hinders more of you in my life! You are God. Of all else I'm letting go.

"I will praise you,

O Lord, with all my heart;

before the "gods" I will sing your praise.

I will bow down toward your holy temple

and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness,

for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.

When I called, you answered me,

you make me bold and stouthearted.

May all the kings of the earth praise you , O LORD,

when they hear the words of your mouth.

may they sing of the ways of the LORD,

for the glory of the LORD is great.

Though the Lord is on high,

he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,

you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,

with your right hand you save me.

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O LORD endures forever."

-Psalm 138

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Beauty of Simplicity

We were gathered around the table eating breakfast one day this week, discussing our dreams from the night and Sydaleigh said...

"Guess what I dreamed last night!"

"What?! Tell me all about it," I replied.

"I dreamed that I died and went to Heaven. And I saw Jesus there. And He started walking and I followed Him. Because I love Him."

*deep sigh, silent tears*

So simple.

I followed Him. Because I love Him.

That's it.

That's.it.

The simplicity of it.

We try to complicate it all. This whole God thing. Yes, God Himself is more complex than I can comprehend. But, us and God? No....I think that part is more simple.

"I followed Him. Because I love Him."

We try to add in all this extra stuff. We tell ourselves we don't know what God wants us to do, where to go. We ponder big questions like, "what is God's will for me?" We pray big words. We do things in hopes to garner His love. We make it really hard.

But maybe it's easier than all of that.

Maybe, just maybe....He wants us to simply follow Him. Because we love Him.

The love part comes first. We can't follow Him until we love Him. But once we do....wherever He goes. We go. Because we love Him.

If He goes to the slums. We follow Him.
If He goes to the sick. We follow Him.
If He goes to the lonely. We follow Him.
If He goes to church. We follow Him.
If He goes to the orphanage. We follow Him.
If He goes to the abused. We follow Him.
If He goes to the depleted, ravaged, torn, and forgotten. We follow Him.

It's that simple.

Where You go. I go.
When You jump. I jump.
Where You lead. I follow.

The end.
He leads. We follow.

Why can't it be that simple?
Because it is...that simple.

But we make it so unnecessarily hard.

We make it hard when we don't like where He's going. It gets complicated because we hesitate....and lose sight of God in front of us. And we stand there, unsure, giving a foothold to doubt, fear, and insecurities. We make it hard when we look at our circumstances. When we take our eyes off Him.We flounder. Stumble. Sometimes we down right turn around.

Life is chaotic.

But me and God. Not suppose to be.

If only it could be.
If only life wasn't so disheveled.
If only it could be as easy as God designed it to be.
If only it wasn't so hard. For me. To follow Him that easily.
If only I could get back to Sydaleigh's child like simplicity to God.
Because I complicate things.

I was praying this afternoon and said something along the lines of, "please stay close to me, hold my hand through all of this and never let go, " and I felt God say in that moment,

"I'm not the one that lets go."

Ouch.

God's word says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." God promises that He will never leave me.

I'm the one that leaves Him.
I'm the one that drops His hand.
I'm the one that shifts my eyes.
I'm the one that turns around.

Not God.

But even then. In all my drama. He's there.
When I pull away. He's waiting for me to come back.
When I don't like where He's leading. He encourages me still.
When I hesitate. He persists.
When I live in fear. He stands to provide peace.
When I walk the line of defeat. He cheers me on to worship.

When, when when....I have a million "whens"...and with each one God is faithful. He stands by my side through it all. Patient. Teaching. Guiding. Loving. Present. Leading.

God leads us to a multitude of places.

But lately the place I feel Him lead me most is just straight back to Him. Back to who He is. Back to the simplicity of "it" all. When I look up and find myself in some freaky deserted fog inhabited Phantom of the Opera like sewer, and I realize I went down instead of up, and I'm totally lost, and trying to navigate the murky waters alone....God's there to direct me back. To guide me out of the creepy. And lead me back to Him. Just Him. And because I love Him He encourages me to follow Him where He leads.

I followed Him. Because I love Him.

I love the beauty of simplicity.

Monday, June 27, 2011

A day at the beach

The only thing better than being able to finally go to the playground after it's rained, stormed, and been down right too chilly for the end of June.....

is going to the playground and seeing it flooded.

Oh.yeah. We had sand. We had water. And that's a little piece of heaven right there.

ahhhhh......perfect.summer.day.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Cut out cookie Wednesday

Who's to say that cut out cookies are only for major holidays?

Because, personally we think they taste good every day of the year and stereotype cookies are whack.

Yeah....whack.

We hold NO predjudice in this house when it comes to what kind of cookies can be made and when.

If we want to cut out and decorate a pumpkin in June....then.we.will.
If we want to cut out an angel in June....then.we.will.
If we want to cut out a Christmas bell, or an autumn leaf, or a gingerbread looking man/boy...in June...then.we.will.

Don't have to be a holiday round here!

Because really....leaves are not just for autumn, they are currently on my trees, and angels are not just for Christmas, they are always in the Heavenly's, ...and well, pumpkins...okay maybe those don't exactly grow in the summer, but they are a type of squash and regular squash does....therefore, it shouldn't be confined to Fall.

Yeah.

I can find an everyday use for these poor misidentified stereotyped cookies.

I feel like if I was a really weird person I would go and protest the use of these cookies being confined to holidays. I would get a sign, and go stand outside some grocery store that is probably responsible for type casting cookies, and protest. And pass a petition around that said something very like, cookie equality worthy, or something.

Because people need to not let grocery stores, and stereotypes, and "it's the way it's always been" dictate whether they can make cut out cookies. Or any other dessert that they like to eat but don't because it's not a holiday!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

This wasn't part of my plan

I need to get some thoughts out right quick.....

I need more of Jesus, like, a lot more. I'm talking a lot lot lot more.
I am disappointed.
I am confused.
I feel like I am walking blind.
I thought I was done.
I thought I was on the exit ramp from this "land between".
Turns out I'm still in the "land between".
Starting to wonder how long am I gonna be here?
I need more faith.
I need to not worry about tomorrow, or two weeks from now.
I want to see God's hand in this.
I feel like we all (my family) paid our dues, sacrificed, and we should be done.
Wondering what went wrong?
I don't want to think about what's next.
I need more faith because actually having to walk by faith is a lot harder than just talking about it.
And having the kind of faith that can say to a mountain "move" and it will move. Yeah, I'd like some a that.
I feel like I've been doing this walking by faith thing a lot lately.
Nothing is impossible for God, and I need to say it until that truth is oozing from my pores.
I'm tired and need to rest in Him.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will never leave me or forsake me, I just wish I had more than a flashlight's view of Him in my life sometimes.
I thought the walls of Jericho were rubble at my feet, but apparently I'm still marching around the city.
I feel like I'm beating discouragement back with a stick and the only stick I have in my disposal is prayer.

uhhhhh...there's more floating around in there but I'll settle for getting the rest of it out later.

I went to my Endo Friday morning for my six week check up following my treatment.

And it didn't go exactly like I'd hoped.

Immediately she told me she suspects my levels are still high. She concluded that from the fact that my hands still had tremors in them, I have lost five pounds since my last apt. eight weeks ago, and my heart is still beating forcefully. All things that apparently shouldn't still be happening after radiation treatment.

And she was right. My blood work came back later that day revealing that the radiation didn't work exactly as we hoped. In fact, it looks like it barely worked it all. It only lowered my levels from 2.72 down to 2.61. I need to be down to 1.55 just to be at the very highest normal. Like, not even to be within normal range, just to be at the very top.

And it came down by one tenth.

One tenth.

One fa.lipp.'in tenth.

Now this would be really encouraging if there was like a nuclear fallout or something and I knew I had some freaky ability to withstand radiation. But, unfortunately, it kinda wasn't the plan for my thyroid to withstand it. It was kinda the plan for the radiation to kill it. And not only did it not kill it, it barely made a dent in it!

So now I have some freak of nature strong thyroid that is screaming, "screw you radiation, I ain't buckling over and dying. You're gonna have to cut me up and take me out if you want me to stop!"

Dang, when did I get such temperamental body parts?

Radioactive iodine treatment has a success rate of 75-100% being completely cured. Like, completely cured, thyroid killed, no longer functioning.

Oh really?

Wow, I'm so not even close to that.

I actually couldn't be father away from that if I tried. I'm not even close to being at the top of normal...let alone far below it.

Pesky little butterfly shaped tissue with a life like a cockroach! Errrr.

I am so disappointed and frustrated. Because, this was suppose to work. I mean, it works, it's highly successful. It works on practically everyone else, and for those it doesn't, well, I never expected to be one of them. I expected to be in the majority. And I can't even imagine how much more radiation they would have to give me to stop it a second time. If the dosage I received last time only brought it down by one tenth....well...I might as well get used to glowing and growing another set of arms because it seems to me like they're gonna have to give me A LOT more.

(I mean neon green is an okay color and all but I'd prefer to glow in hot pink if given a preference. And growing two extra pairs of mutant arms wouldn't be so bad, I would get a lot more work done.
But if the extra radiation makes my thyroid grow jazz hands and mock me while singing show tunes, then I'll draw the line and cut that freaky gland out myself. )

Anyways, all I know is that God has blown all my expectations way out the window and I'm left shaking my head wondering, "what.is.going.on?"

Yeah, I don't even know. It's just kinda beyond me at the moment. I've come to the end of myself, a-gain.

I go back in two weeks to test again, and I'm just praying that in that time God will supernaturally lay His hands on my thyroid and slow it down, since the radiation apparently couldn't do the trick. Because it's either that, or have a higher second dose of radiation or....surgery. Neither of which sound terribly appealing.

But even as I write that prayer, and actually pray that prayer for God's healing, I can't help but think to myself...."yeah, that would be nice, but I doubt it will happen that way." And I don't think that's the type of faith Jesus was talking about in Luke 7:50, 8:48, 17:6, 17:19, 18:42. And that's the kind of faith I want. The kind of faith that can say, "go plant yourself in the sea mulberry tree" and it does. The kind of faith that will believe Jesus IS gonna heal me. Not if, but IS. That kind. The kind that stands in the middle of a raging river and watches the water recede around my feet. The kind of faith that shouts forth in victory and praise and watches walls crumble down around me, without ever having to lay a hand on them. That kind. The mountain movin' storm stoppin' river receding kind of faith.

I get so blind to my own shortcomings with God. I thought my faith was pretty strong. Until I got knocked back down again and life didn't turn out exactly like I hoped and God was like, "uh huh, yeah, see that right there. We need to work on that. This thing you call faith needs a makeover cause it ain't lookin' so good."

Because it's one thing to pray. It's one thing to pray and specifically ask God for our heart's desires, and lay our specific unique requests at His throne. But it's another thing altogether to believe. To actually have faith that what you're praying for will be answered. I can pray specifically till I'm blue in the face...but if I don't think God will actually do it...well, where's the faith in that?

And that's the kind of faith I need. The kind that believes God can do the impossible. Not just sayin' that He can. But believing, having confidence, full trust, assurance, freedom from doubt, certainty.... that He CAN, that He WILL, and that He already HAS.

That's what I'm lookin' for. Now just to go get me some. :~)

(And maybe stop imagining that my body parts can talk, sing, dance, and put on a whole Broadway spectacle while mocking me with their Incredible Hulk super power capabilities.)

Friday, June 17, 2011

Impromptu long jump competition.

Last night we had a friendly little long jump competition down at the playground.

It all started after Marelly innocently asked me to jump over something.

And then out of no where I kinda got this spontaneous urge to relive my sixth grade glory days, and well, a competition resulted. And not because I was trying to prove I still had mad skills. I just only walked by Isaak, raised my eyebrows and gave him a look which he interpreted as "beat that"...and since it goes against his DNA to resist a challenge, we got a game on.

This is what proper long jump jumping technique looks like right there.

We're a tad competitive.

The whole family got in on it.

Isaak, who is not a 7th place long jumping champion like I am....failed to commit to a jump and hurt his ankle. Awwww, poor Isaak.

But long jumping athletes do not sit around and coddle their pain, so I made him suck it up and jump one last time....longest jump wins it.

In the end Isaak only beat me by one shoe length. And I think for someone who is 6', and someone like me who is 5'1'', there would have been a greater margin of separation than one shoe length....but, all I can say, is that my long buried days of sixth grade long jumping came back in full force. I found my self conjuring up skills I haven't used in twenty years.

And I may have technically lost and we may have only been playing for bragging rights, (which is enough for this crowd by the way) but this was only a warm up....next time, I'm bringing the heat.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Go sing your new songs chiquititas....

Off they go.

Off to embark on new adventures and make new memories.

And my heart is heavy...with a mixture of joy and sadness.

These ladies of mine have consumed nearly every memory of my last four years. And there are hardly words good enough to describe how much I am going to miss them. Because they were so much more than friends.

They were more. Much more.

And my heart will forever be indebted to the Lord for surrounding me with their lives.

But times marches on.

Especially in the military and even more especially with the Lord.

He leads us forward.

He calls us else where.

And all for His glory.

We have done virtually everything together these past few years. And stood by each other through darn near it all....birthday parties, backyard get togethers, service projects, sicknesses, deployments out the flippin' wazoo, family loss, hospital visits, crazy radiation, babies, goodbyes, girl nights...

and everything you can possibly fit in between.

And then in addition to all that jazz every Tuesday night like clockwork we would gather together and dig into God's word, seek, cry, laugh, stumble, stretch, give, and grow till it hurt and then come back again for more.

We know just about everything about each other.

We dug it all up and laid it all out there. And in the process I saw God do some mighty things in our lives. I saw firsthand God transforming these gals into new creations. ( I will never ever forget the night Kara told us at Village Inn she gave her life to the Lord, or seeing Liz open up the Bible to read it recreationally for the first times ever, and seeing Rachael thirsty for more of the Lord in her life) He tweaked, plucked, pruned and stripped us all bare, and we grew about as close as friends can get because of it.

(But you could bet when things got too serious for too long someone would crack a joke and we'd be peeing ourselves with laughter the next second. )

That was one thing you could always count on with us...laughing. Usually very.loud.laughing. Without a doubt we would be the loudest people wherever we would go. We sure knew how to own a room that's for sure. We just kinda took everything over....movie theaters, restaurants, entire amphitheaters...

And it was safe. We were safe together. There was never any reason to worry if your friends were dragging your name through the mud, or gonna criticize or ridicule you to your face. We would poke fun, yes, poke lots of fun really, but the intentions were never with malicious intent. Always innocent and good. Never to tear each other down. Our friendships were safe...secure...where you could come in and be yourself, your true self, warts and all, and know that you were loved unconditionally.

No matter what.

Friends like are a treasure, because they're hard to find.

So, in honor of the last 3+ years of more memories and goodness than I could ever fit into a post, in honor of friends who will forget their age with you, encourage and support you to no end, and all the adventures God has in store for your futures....let the good times roll....

"There's a little flame inside us all...