Sad news.

I was thinking about Rosalee two days ago. I hadn't thought about her in a while. I haven't really stopped to think about a lot of the children I served at the orphanage in a while. Not because I've forgotten them. Mostly because since bringing Steven home ten months ago, family life has been all consuming. And, due to the fact that Steven has a chronic condition, I have purposely not gone back to the orphanage since bringing him home. I can't risk exposing him to the sickness that sadly runs rampant there.

Before adopting Steven I would serve at the orphanage twice a week. And during the year and a half that I went weekly, those were the sickest me and my family have ever been. Like clockwork, every three weeks (it was so routine I started marking it on a calendar just for kicks) someone in the family would get sick with something. Whether it be a cold, diarrhea, vomiting, mysterious fevers, terrible week long stomach cramps...it was always something. Because twice a week I'd come home covered in a plethora of multiple kid's bodily fluids. I'd be coughed on, puked on, peed on, pooped on, spit on, snot rubbed on me...and there's really no way, despite how frequently I washed my hands, to not bring home sickness.

So, for Steven's sake, I knew I couldn't go back. He was my priority now.

But it was still hard, to let that go, because serving there had been such a big part of my life here, a small ministry that I carved out for myself. I really loved those kids. You get to know them, a little at a time, as you feed them, hold them, play with them, and they become an extension of yourself. A part of you.

And they did that to me.

And for the first time in a long time, I sat in my room two days ago thinking about Rosalee. I don't know why she came to mind when she did. But I sat there on my bed, just remembering her. Wondering how she's doing. Thinking about all my memories with her. When I first met her. Held her. Fed her. All the time spent encouraging her to stand up. The time spent encouraging her to walk. Earning her trust. Trying to get her to smile, and usually not succeeding. I sat reminiscing about her and how I wanted so desperately to adopt her. I talked with Isaak about it. I shared my desire with Ruth. I talked to Patricia at the orphanage. All the time spent praying that the Lord would make a way for us to adopt her. Day dreaming about her being mine.

But it wasn't meant to be. She wasn't meant to be ours. The Lord had a wonderful little boy waiting for us instead and I'm so glad for the honor I've been given to be his mom. But I would have taken her too if I could have. I wouldn't have hesitated for a second.

She just stole my heart, this little girl.

Which is why it was heartbreaking to hear yesterday from Joanna that Rosalee had died.

She died.

Joanna still goes to the orphanage weekly and keeps me updated on the kids, their condition, whether they've been adopted or not. Well, a number of months ago Joanna mentioned that after being away from the orphanage for a while due to her full time commitments to her missionary organization here, she returned to the orphanage and noticed that Rosalee looked really sickly. She was told that she hadn't been eating much, they were having a really difficult time getting her to eat anything at all and she wasn't doing great. Joanna left the country in October for a four month furlough in the States and returned back to Burkina this week, and went to the orphanage yesterday for the first time since being back. She noticed that Rosalee was absent and inquired as to where she was....

....and was told that she had died. She died from self-inflicted malnutrition, because she refused to eat, and some other problems as well, that were likely a side effect of her malnutrition. She had been in and out of the clinic, but nothing could be done to help her.

She just, lost the will to live.

My mom, who worked in nursing homes for years and years and years once told me, "the only thing stronger than the will to live, is the will to die."

And my sweet Rosalee lost the will to live. Before she ever really found it.

I remember when she was first brought to the orphanage. I had never seen a child like her in person. So frail. Just bones covering skin. Scared. Lethargic. Asleep even though she was awake. Lost inside herself. Lost inside the darkness.

It took a long long time to see her start to wake up. To want to simply move. To put one knee in front of the other and crawl a few feet. It took even longer to see her smile. Even longer to see her laugh. But she did. Eventually she did. She started to find the will to live.

And then, she lost it again.

I don't know what happened. I wish I could have been there. I wish I could have saved her.....

This never gets easier. Abandonment. Abuse. Neglect. Pain. Trauma. Death. Darkness. Suffering.

It makes me so angry. And sad. Really really sad. It's just so hard.

So this is for Rosalee. I'm so so sorry that your life on earth was so hard and that you were subjected to pain and suffering. I'm sorry that you couldn't find your way out of the darkness. But I know that Light has found you at long last. I know that you are dancing in Heaven right now sweet girl. I know that you are laughing and smiling and playing at the feet of the One who could save you. Say hello to Jesus for me. I look forward to seeing your beautiful face again when I see you in Heaven.