Some days...

Some days I am overwhelmed with the thoughts that I am not doing enough.

There's so much need.
There's so much suffering.

There's so many areas and ways to serve.
There's so many people to partner with.

Some days it is all a bit overwhelming.

Some days I feel like I will buck under the pressure.
The pressure of the needs around me.
The imaginary pressure of the world to change it all.
The self imposed pressure to do as much as I can to help while I'm here.

It is easy to feel discouraged. It is easy to feel inadequate. It is easy to feel overwhelmed.

Some days the weight of it all leaves me crippled.
And mad.
And sad.
And frustrated.

Some days, it is very hard to see the change.
To see the difference.
To see Jesus in it all.
To see myself in it all.

Some days all I can see is the brokenness. 
I have to strain to see the beauty.
Because beauty is not easily detected in these conditions.

Some days, I am really hard on myself.
My car stops next to the beggar in the street who has been standing in the median all day long with no shoes and I see his feet grotesquely blistered and burned from the scalding asphalt from the 110 degree days. Tears rise to the surface and I fight to push them down. My tears will not help him I think to myself. My tears and pity and compassion over his circumstances due him no good. They change nothing.

But I cry anyways.

The grim reality is that there are some things I can not change.
The grim reality here is that most things I can not change.
There is too much.

I talk about effective ways to serve the broken impoverish world and usher in change to bring about a self sustaining and thriving people.
But in reality, the reality in which I now live, I wonder if it's possible.

Some days, I want to look away but I'm unable to.
I want to forget but I'm incapable.
I want to run from the suffering but there's no where to flee.
I want to be broken but not feel the pain.

Some days, I wonder if it's possible to change a person's circumstances.
I wonder if it's possible to make a lasting difference.
I wonder when it all will end.
I wonder what I'm doing here.

Some days I wonder if I'm doing enough.
I question my time and commitments.
I question my motives for serving.
I search my heart.
I wonder what else I can be doing to help bring change to a country that seems impossible to change given the level of need.
I wonder if my little offerings of service are worth anything.
If it will have a lasting value.
If I should be partnering with such an such, or starting this or doing that.

I wonder what my purpose is here.

Some days, the weight of it all just brings me to my knees.
The constant constantness of it all.

Some days, simply put...are just harder than others trying to navigate life here.