So many ways to go.
It is so, normal.
People die. Everyday. Every minute. Every second.
It is a part of life.
But yet, for something that is so common, so expected....people still fear it.
I fear it.
I fear dying.
Even being a Christian. Even knowing where I'm going. Even with the assurance that this is not the end and God has more in store....
I fear.
But I do not fear for myself.
But for my kids.
That part I can not accept...at least, have not learned to accept yet.
Because I am afraid to leave them behind.
I fear what will happen to them when I'm not around anymore.
How will they cope?
How will they sleep?
Will they be angry at me?
How long will they be sad?
How long will they remember me?
How will they adjust to life without me in it?
Who will be there to rub their backs?
To burst into the bathroom and surprise them with a silly face while they're brushing their teeth?
To come into their bedroom at night while they're still awake and talking and lay down next to them and giggle?
Who will pick up Marvelly and do "straight as a board"?
Who will sit and soak up all of the nuances of the unique way that she talks and exaggerates her words?
Who will surprise Sydaleigh while she's standing around and sneak tickles under her arm and then tackle her to the floor to tickle her making her role around with laughter?
Who will look at her face and think her freckles under her eyes and across the bridge of her nose are the cutest things in the world? Who's going to lay Steve's head on their shoulder as he drifts to sleep and find the little suckle noises he still makes to soothe himself absolutely endearing?
Who's going to be their mommy in all the wonderful ways that I am their mommy?
Who is going to fill my role in all of the unique and incredibly personal ways that I do?
Who is going to know them better than me?
That is what I fear. That is what I dread. That is what I don't want to think about. That is what makes me cry....leaving my children as children to figure out death and loss and pain without me.
I read a blog notice today about a mom who was unexpectedly killed in a car crash. It made me weep. This was a mom with 15 children....at least half of them adopted. Fifteen kids. Many many young ones. A husband left behind as well. A family of children left to handle the brutal reality of her death.
My mind can scarcely take it in.
There are no guarantees in life to live a long life.
There is no guarantee that just because we have children, or a husband, or adopted kids, a relationship with Jesus, a thriving ministry, a great job, or we try to live our lives in a way that seeks to exalt and honor Him everyday....that we will live to see the next.
There are no guarantees that just because we love Jesus and we are busy with life even if we are busy serving Him, that He won't call us home.
Sometime I think that. Stupidly. Naively. Very ignorantly. I think that if we are busy serving Him, doing His will, contributing our time here in meaningful and impactful ways...that He will bless us with a long life.
But that is simply not true.
This mom was smack dap in the middle of her life to her husband and fifteen kids and she died. Just like that. In a senseless car accident.
God didn't intervene. He didn't give her a second chance to recover.
It was just over, like that.
I look at men like Billy Graham. A man who has lived a long life, still going well into his 90's. He dedicated the majority of his life to serving the Lord and making a huge impact for His kingdom. And sometimes I look at him, and men like him and think that it's because of what they have done that God has blessed them with a long life so that they can go on and continue serving Him.
But that's not true either. There are many men and women in this world who dedicated their lives to serving the Lord and they died young. They did not have the luxury of living to old age.
There are no guarantees. I think every now and then in passing, "God wouldn't let me die yet, I'm not done living! I'm too busy being alive for Him to take me home!"
What a stupid thing to think. But yet it's true. It's reality.
There are no guarantees in this life that we will live a long time. God never promises us that. He never says that He won't call us home because we're too busy living to be bothered to die.
He doesn't promise us that we'll be old and gray, retired with nothing to do with our days anymore, sick of living, with achy bones and clogged arteries, with the highlight of our days consisting of getting dressed, sitting on the patio reading the paper.
That's how we would like it to happen. That's our way of thinking. Not His. When God says it's time, it's time. Whether we're busy or not. Whether we had plans or not. Whether tomorrow was our 20th anniversary. Or the day set to sign those long awaited adoption papers. Or start a new job. It doesn't matter if we're on our way to church, or the bank to withdraw money to buy our first house. It won't matter if we're serving as a missionary overseas, homeschooling our kids, or flying home to see family.
When God says it's over here...it's over. Whether we were busy living or not. And He doesn't have to explain His reasons.
And that is not an easy reality for me to accept sometimes. I love life. I love to live. Even with the brokenness of this world and the tragedy and pain around every corner...our life is a gift.
In the Patriarch's bible study, Beth Moore makes a brief comment about Abraham after his beloved Sarah died, saying, "Eternity was set in his heart, making such an end feel unnatural and painful, even after so long."
It's so true. Death was never part of God's original design for us. We were never meant to know the pain of death. Because we were designed for eternity.
And then sin entered the world and changed everything. And now we all live under sin's curse of death. At least an earthly one. For those who know and love Jesus that curse has been broken by His death on the cross on our behalf and we can once again look forward to eternity with the Lord.
But we must still die here first. There is no getting around that. Well, unless you are those lucky ones to be brought up during the rapture. But for the rest of us....death is a part of life. And it does feel unnatural and painful and not right, because eternity was set in our hearts from the very beginning.
And while I draw tremendous comfort from the fact that God has guaranteed a life with Him in Heaven that will far outlast this earthy one....
...death still makes me sad. It's wrong. It's painful. While the dyer may be rejoicing up in Heaven with the Lord, those still living are left to navigate a life without them.
It's not easy.
It makes we grievously sad to think of the mother and wife who died and left her husband and fifteen kids behind to suffer through the pain of her absence. Hearing this today, it just made me stop and think and ponder how fragile life is. How short it can be. How things can happen and change in an instant; without a moments notice.
We need to make every moment count. The only time we have to make a difference is now. Next to loving God, investing in people is the most important thing we can do with our lives. We are the pinnacle of His creation. We were made in His image. He sacrificed Himself to save us. People matter to God. God loves us more than anything. So people need to matter to us. It matters how we treat each other. It matters how we love. It matters what we do with our lives. This is the only chance we've got.
There are no guarantees for tomorrow.
There are no guarantees for a long life.
So I must live my best for Him today.
And pray that if I do go, while I'm busy living, that He takes care of the ones I love and left behind.
And that He will meet me in the midst of my fears and worries and provide peace to overcome. That He will give me the motivation to not waste my life, but to invest it well...no matter how long it lasts.
God can be trusted. Even if we don't understand His plans.
Praying....for that dear family to be comforted in the wake of such a tremendous loss.
From my devotional last week,
"When you pass through the waters....they will not sweep over you". -Isaiah 43:2
God does not open paths for us before we come to them, or provide help before help is needed. He does not remove obstacles out of our way before we reach them. Yet when we are at our point of need, God's hand is outstretched.
Many people forget this truth and continually worry about difficulties they envision in the future. They expect God to open and clear many miles of road before them, but He promised to do it step by step, only as their need arises. You must be in the floodwaters before you can claim God's promise. Many people dread death and are distressed that they do not have "dying grace". Of course, they will never have the grace for death when they are in good health. Why should they have it while in the midst of life's duties, with death still far away? Living grace is what is needed for life's work and calling, and then dying grace when it is time to die. -J.R.M.
"When you pass through the waters"
Deep the waves may be and cold,
But Jehovah is our refuge,
and His promise is our hold;
For the Lord Himself has said it,
He, the faithful God and true:
"When you come to the waters
You will not go down, BUT THROUGH."
Seas of sorrow, seas of trial,
Bitter anguish, fiercest pain,
Rolling surges of temptation
Sweeping over heart and brain-
They will never overflow us
For we know His word is true;
All His waves and all His billows
He will lead us safely THROUGH.
Threatening breakers of destruction,
Doubt's insidious undertow,
Will not sink us, will not drag us
Out to ocean depths of woe;
For His promise will sustain us,
Praise the Lord, whose Word is true!
We will not go down, or under,
For He says, "You will pass THROUGH."
-Anne Johnson Flint
1 comment:
thanks for making me cry.
....
and, also...
yes.
this.
all of it.
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