thoughts I've been pondering lately...

...me and Isaak are forever going back and forth on the idea of having another baby-"are we done yet" "if we did, when would you want to"-back and forth-back and forth. I haven't had any peace, it's been consuming my thoughts, which that in itself is odd for me. Even though after Sydaleigh was born, we knew we wanted to have another child, I still didn't think about having another child until she was 16 months or so. I haven't been able to put this thought to rest since Marvelly was born. I can't shake thinking about it. I try to tell myself to just "let it go" "don't dwell" but I feel like God won't let me let it go. And even more interesting is that Isaak seems to be giving it a lot of thought as well. For someone who was dead set on not having any more kids-he sure does talk about it- a lot. Me and Isaak were talking about this whole thing again yesterday and out of Isaak's mouth comes the subject of adoption. I've thought about adoption before-but never with any real seriousness, usually just in passing. But when me and Isaak started discussing this issue further I could feel God beginning to open my mind up to this possibility. And Isaak's.

...it's also getting close to the holidays, and with the holidays comes the whole "how can I help" "who can I help" "what can I do to make a difference in somebody's life this holiday season" thinking. I don't want that to be my thought process only when the holidays roll around. Since moving to Nebraska God has been challenging me, molding me, opening my eyes to His heart and for me it's not just about "helping in the holiday's" anymore. But, like many, I want to do more. But do what is the qustion. I feel like I've yet to find my passion when it comes to "the world". I know what my passion used to be, still is actually, but is no longer a reality and that is missions. I grew a heart for mission work back at my very first church is Michigan, Faith Center Church. I knew at the ripe age of ten or so that going off to work and witness is foreign lands was something that I wanted to do. It wasn't until I was 21 that God took what had only been a dream of mine and brought it into fruition. But that's also where is ended. Isaak didn't have a heart for mission work. We didn't share the same passion-despite going together to Peru. It's not just about me anymore. It's not all about what I want and what I think is important. I'm not saying that when you get married you have to see eye to eye on everything under the sun-but when it comes to the big stuff-well, God isn't going to lead us in two seperate directions. I still pray that one day Isaak will grow a heart for this, but for now, that is not my reality. So I'm searching for what is not only my reality, passion, heart for serving the Lord and meeting the needs of those He loves-but Isaak's as well. So that as a family, we can stand united, in the same passion, teaming up to help in an area that both of us have a heart for...

...pondering further, I think even more important than the issue of whether we do or do not add to our family in the furture, whether we feed the hungry, do mission work, raise awarness for cruelty to women around the world- is that no matter what desicion we come to, God is leading both of us in the same direction. He is going to give both of us clarity, a clear sense of what direction to take, and we'll both be on the same page-no matter what that page says....